AIBU to think that I'll regret this forever?

[Unsurewhattodo122]

Me and DH are lucky enough to have one wonderful son who we had after 2 years of trying (and medication as I've got a pituitary tumour that made me infertile). He's 6 now. When we tried for a second, it then turned out DH had extremely bad sperm quality. We were told we'd need ICSI which would a) bankrupt us and b) be a bit risky for me with the hormones plus I'm terrified of the process.

However - I've never fully gotten over it and feel guilty 24/7 that DS doesn't have a sibling. I'm 38 now and time is running out and I've just heard that my neighbour is pregnant with her third, I just feel like crying.

I kind of feel I'll regret it my entire life if I don't do something drastic now and try to get pregnant, at the same time I don't have the money or headspace for ICSI (I've got a history of anxiety so I don't think I could actually cope) , please tell me if I'll ever get over this!

Thank you so much. Wishing you all the very best!

You are totally right and thank you for the advice!

I could have written something similar. We have one DS. It took a long time to conceive him and we tried for a long time to have another. Ultimately my husband let me decide how far I was willing to go. I decided against IVF because I knew if I did it and it didn’t work I’d find it hard to recover from.
I didn’t want to miss out on the childhood of the beautiful boy I have, chasing a baby that may never come. I’m 43 now, he is 11, and we are at peace with that decision. And we have a lovely life and a great relationship with our boy.

I have one dd15, conceived though ivf when I was 27. The ivf process was easier than expected, but I think I was probably a bit naive. I got pregnant the first time. My dd is the only time I’ve been pregnant. Dh and I did go back for some more tests when dd was about 3, but were told the chances were now much reduced due to my medical issues. So we decided to accept we had one wonderful dc. I feel very lucky that I’ve never had to experience pregnancy loss or failed ivf so didn’t want to cause myself heartache.

15 years on it’s a great decision. Having one is massively underrated and I say that as someone with 5 siblings. Dd has told me on numerous occasions how much she loves being an only (with a furry dog brother). We have a wonderful life. She’s very sociable. She’s spent two nights at a friends house and dh and I got to have a weekend to ourselves. Now said friend is here and the music is blasting upstairs yet I can still hear them laughing.

enjoy your ds. Time really does go so fast!

We also only have 1 child op, after 3 miscarriages, and needing a hysterectomy it's not going to happen, which I'm trying to make peace with.
But I am an only child, I've never felt like I've missed out by not having a sibling, but I did grow up in a close knit community with lots of friends. Siblings also don't always get on, and as for your parents, it's not about them.
Your decision needs to be made for you and nobody else.

I’m an only child as my mother nearly died with me, so she didn’t want to risk leaving me motherless.

I missed have siblings, but my father bought me a pony as a child, then a second pony to keep the first pony company 😃 we travelled a lot and I went to university for undergrad, post grad, and a post-post grad. They bought me my first two cars and I wanted for nothing.

I have one who is adored and who we have resources to bring up a certain way (travel to fun places, concerts and even private school) which would not be affordable with two. Two is definitely more work than one so one also allows me to balance work, being a parent and a partner. As for siblings, I have one who I am not close to, and who has been less supportive to me than my close friends. So, no having siblings is not everything its cracked up to be, and having one is a hugely positive thing. It isn't what I had envisioned, but I love that it is what it is. Personally, I would not spend years and huge amounts of money chasing the possibility of another child - enjoy the present and your child. Good luck making your decision.

Totally agree with this. I was very happy to be an only child and have my parents to myself, and your child won’t be alone when you are gone as they will have their own family. My husband on the other hand has never had a good relationship with his sibling and they just caused him grief growing up.

OP having another child doesn’t guarantee they will have a good relationship, especially as there will be a larger than usual age gap. I have three children. DS1 and DD live in the UK and DS2 in the US, though a few hundred miles from me in the US. My DD has almost no contact with DS1 and basically doesn’t like him much (they are very very different people). It’s 9 years since she saw DS2 and I doubt whether she talks to him more than twice a year (birthday and Christmas). DS1 and DS3 get along ok but see each other no more than once a year and rarely talk on FaceTime. I doubt whether any of this will change when I die.

I think you need to get some counselling to gelp you come to terms with this

@Unsurewhattodo122 ive had several failed rounds of ivf. I will be paying off debts forever and I remain childless. Do IVF if you want, but it’s expensive and no chance of it working. Or focus on coming to terms with having one child. Good luck either way.

Just to remind you - this is your issue, not your child’s! I have an only daughter who is very happy being an only child. It doesn’t hold her back - if anything it makes her connect more with the world outside family and has a strong relationship with both her parents. Feelings of wanting more children do happen - don’t let them get in the way of the pleasure in what you HAVE!

I think you need to do some work on protecting your inner peace and coming to terms with where you are in life.

it isn’t easy, trust me I’ve been there, and I have to say the one thing that sort of closed that gap for me was investing time in a local project that I did with my DD who was an only at the time. It was linked to charity work. But I found the more I did that, plus some journaling, over the years, I started to feel more fulfilled.

My DD was an only until the age of 13 where I had my second. She really wanted a sibling, but now that she is a teen and her brother is a baby, she keeps reminding me how much she enjoyed being an only and the perks of having me to herself.

So you can’t win haha

Children need love. And the fact they have you is more than enough.

Also we can all make friendships - and I have found that my friends have been like the extended family I’ve always wanted - despite having siblings and cousins, but they can be annoying sometimes.

I married a man who had 2 daughters from a previous marriage. After 2 years I also had a daughter. When she was 5 yo I gave birth to a son. I thought my husband would be delighted to have a son after 3 daughters but he was very jealous, so much so that we eventually divorced. My daughter said that she was perfectly happy until her brother came into her life.But it wasn't her brother that ruined our family it was her father's jealousy. Some children are perfectly happy being the only recipient of their parents attention.

As harsh as this may sound, & I don't mean it to be, be grateful you have a child already & stop feeling guilty about him not having a sibling or your parents not having another Grandchild. You've been blessed with one child after a very tough struggle, please don't spoil your time with him worrying about not having more children. Spoil him, shower him with love & enjoy your time with him. If you keep thinking 'what if' time will pass you by & you'll have regrets for not just enjoying what you have now. If you don't have the money or headspace then put it to one side & just appreciate the little one you have & how lucky you are to have him.

I'm so sorry to hear about your strugges- this sounds incredibly tough! Wishing you all the best and I send you a hug.

Deep down I know that I won't be doing IVF and I think that my neighbours news have just thrown me the other day.

You are absolutely right and thank you for taking time to respond!

I've actually seen three therapists about this. I always think I've cracked it and I'm over it and then I kind of get back to feeling bad about it. It's totally my fault and not the therapists, they were all lovely.

Also, as someone asked before- my son is my absolute world and he'd never know how much I'd like another one. If anything, him being so lovely is the reason I want another one, as I hadn't even ever given it much thought before I had him how many children to have!

I know several people who had a lovely, easy child first and then an absolute terror as their second child - my mum included! I really wish she'd stuck to just me, but apparently I really wanted a sibling.....

DS is an only and loves it. He has had so much time, support and encouragement growing up and we help him out quite a lot financially now he's a young adult.

It's not your fault. Please stop blaming yourself. It's what they call living grief. Have you chatted with your son and asked him if he would have liked a brother or sister? Maybe you could adopt or foster. I'm not saying that's right for you. Just thoughts

I can see so many posts about children being delighted to not have siblings and adults who hate their siblings - I would add that obviously some siblings get on really well ( mine do!) and I’m very close to my siblings as is my husband. Part of how siblings get on will be how you parent them but it’s also an unknown. I wouldn’t have a child to have a friend for my child - you have another baby for themselves but equally I’m not sure it’s helpful to hear all the stories of how terrible siblings are because if it’s not how you envisioned your family it just rings false. Acceptance and commitment therapy is a really nice approach for acknowledging things aren’t how you planned but how you live your best life, acknowledging all the positives and being compassionate towards yourself when it hurts. Sending you much care on whatever choices you make.

I had my daughter at 38 after 4 late miscarriages and abdominal surgery. She is 30 now and very happy with a good group of close friends. I would have loved a sibling for her but it was out of our control. I did feel guilty but we have discussed it a few times and she was happy not to have to share us growing up, she insists she never felt the need for a sibling. I have a few friends who are from a family of 2 children, a few of them don't get on with their siblings and don't see each other. Concentrate on the child you have. Many people can't have any children at all.

I'm sorry OP, I think I misunderstood the question a bit! I'm also 38 and will unfortunately almost definitely end up childless now so just ignore me!

Oh I'm so sorry to hear that. Sending you much love and all the very best for your future!

I just wanted to say a big thank you to all of you who have responded, it's so kind of you to take time out of your day to send such lovely messages, and it's really helped reading them.

Ultimately, as one poster said, I have essentially decided against adoption, egg donation and IVF so realistically I've made my choice. I love my DS so very much and am so grateful to have him. I'll keep trying to draw a line under the whole second child thing and with time, I am sure I'll get there. Wishing you all a great summer!