AIBU to think that I'll regret this forever?

[Unsurewhattodo122]

Me and DH are lucky enough to have one wonderful son who we had after 2 years of trying (and medication as I've got a pituitary tumour that made me infertile). He's 6 now. When we tried for a second, it then turned out DH had extremely bad sperm quality. We were told we'd need ICSI which would a) bankrupt us and b) be a bit risky for me with the hormones plus I'm terrified of the process.

However - I've never fully gotten over it and feel guilty 24/7 that DS doesn't have a sibling. I'm 38 now and time is running out and I've just heard that my neighbour is pregnant with her third, I just feel like crying.

I kind of feel I'll regret it my entire life if I don't do something drastic now and try to get pregnant, at the same time I don't have the money or headspace for ICSI (I've got a history of anxiety so I don't think I could actually cope) , please tell me if I'll ever get over this!

Also to say I feel an overwhelming amount of guilt my parents can't have more grandchildren either.

Goodness me OP , I could have written this.

Had problems with pituitary tumor, then luckily got pregnant with DS.

Tried a few years later for number 2, had m/c and then DH had some kind of issue.

Contemplated IVF etc and decided not to. I knew to many people who suffer too much and I just didn't want to put my mental health on the line and focus on that process instead of giving DS all my attention.
Tried international adoption...gave up as process dragged on and on, so finally came to terms with having an only child.

He's a grown man now and lives abroad.
He always said he was happy without siblings and never missed them.

I'm close to retirement and happy enough surrounded by my animals.

OP, gently, the point of you isn’t to produce grandchildren for grandparents.

I’ve got an only child, and while it probably wasn’t what I planned, it’s still great. Life jjst doesn't turn out how we think sometimes.

Define "something drastic"?

A second child won't guarantee you happiness.

Can you afford some counselling to unpick your feelings, especially around the guilt?

Lots of luck in making your decision.

Why on earth do you feel guilty? Do your parents tell you that they are disappointed that you haven't had another baby?

They have one lovely grandchild. Surely they should be grateful for that?

Don't feel bad for your parents. Some people don't get to be grandparents at all! Your son will be fine as an only. It's not a life of misery, there are many advantages to it, and you can have friends round and relatives to make sure he has company. Enjoy your lovely son and be glad of him.

Do you mean the hormone medications for IVF would be risky for you or pregnancy hormones ?

I’d it’s the IVF hormones have you considered a donor embryo ?

I kind of have the feeling a second one would fulfil me and make sure my DS won't be alone once me and DH are gone.

By something drastic I mean, doing one of those IVF things where you pay once and then bet as many rounds as needed till you get pregnant

I know that's a possibility but I wouldn't want that unfortunately

I have one amazing son. My parents adored him. Be happy with what you have, and not what you don't have.

I had four IVF miscarriages before my miracle.

IVF (failing) was the most stressful thing I've experienced. I lost my last tube to an ectopic after him and it was in some ways a relief to know I couldn't have more, because taking the option off the table meant I could focus on the one I DID have.

Thank you. Yes, my son is wonderful and my whole world. I do think it would be better to have another as I'm probably smothering him though and this way he wouldn't have all of our attention all the time!

I just don't know what to do. I've seen three therapists for this, they have been great but ultimately I'm still torn and when someone announces a pregnancy I'm literally green won't envy and I just don't know how to make this feeling go away..

And if i did have IVF and anything at all was to go wrong I'd blame myself for not just being happy with one!

the thing is you can only make the decision based on the information you have right now and you won’t ever know really which path was right for you - you’ll only know the one you’re on. We have two and have thought so long about a third and ultimately decided against it for a variety of good reasons although I feel very sad about it and some guilt too. Maybe it wasn’t the right call and we should have gone for it… but if we had there’s also a strong possibility that it wouldn’t have been right for us. Some more clarity came to us over time but we didn’t have that info a few years ago so I try not berate myself. Sending you good wishes. It is very difficult and I think when you have a child, people tend not to have too much sympathy but any decision which isn’t what you would chose with an open choice is hard to make .

I guess you also need to weigh up the cost and chances of it working. A lot of people often think IVF is the answer to infertility. You may spend all the money and either not get any blasts or nothing might implant and either way you end up with nothing. So you’ll be much poorer and still not have a second child.

Absolutely this x plus I met a lady well into her 60s with 4 grown children, whom she said had decided they were not having children (for planet/sustainable reasons amongst them) so you're never guaranteed grandchildren, nor should it be expected! I implore you to have a few counselling sessions to help you through this x

At the risk of sounding trite - I know you're grieving - you're projecting a big fantasy. I have two adult children. They loathe each other. Always have done. Also, it's not your job to give your children grandchildren. They've got one. And a healthy one - yay! Lots to celebrate.

Not having the big family you want is heartbreaking. Of course it is.

If takes more effort, but a lot of them have a much better social life because the parents are very generous with playdates and sleepover invitations.

They also tend to invite a friend for days out and holidays as the kids grow older.

Small thing, once they start secondary, and the cost of everything on offer adds up, no one is feeling that sorry for the only children anymore.
School trips, sport tour. club trips. having the entire family budget for them instead of sharing fairly with siblings, it's not the same.

Being an only child does not mean being lonely.

make sure my DS won't be alone once me and DH are gone.
you can only encourage him to be very social, have a solid group of friends and will be a lot less lonely that siblings who hate each other because one was the only looking after the elderly parents, and they are fighting about inheritance.

I have a sibling 7 years younger than me. We loathe each other and always have done. We have absolutely nothing in common.

Your DS won't miss out on a sibling. I can understand you'd ideally have liked two, but there is such an age gap now that they won't 'play together' and trying to do things that both a toddler and an 11 year old want to do is a bloody nightmare.

Please don't focus on 'regrets'. Enjoy the life you have, not some idealised fiction of how it should or might be.

Siblings don’t always get on and I’m sure your parents / parents in law are delighted with the grandchild they have.

None of these are good reasons to have another.
Im an only child and have never suffered from that at any stage. It has only been a positive. Most of my friends with kids have only one. Those with more, many have said they wished they stopped at one but felt some kind of pressure like you are experiencing.
I would say around 70% of the people I know with siblings have some issue or drama with them. General dislike, total estrangement or long term ‘fighting’ that impacts on parents and family relationships is not uncommon. I see friends being burdened with their siblings issues throughout life; financial, mental health etc
DH’s didn’t get on with his siblings while growing up which damaged him hugely and they were useless and a complete burden when his parents died.
My MIL was delighted with her first GC, felt overwhelmed once the second came along and tapped out by the third.

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sending lots of good wishes your way!

I see a lot of angst here from people worried about if they've made the wrong choice having once child, or if their secondary infertility will somehow harm the child they have, but I don't think I've ever met someone who was desperately sad they did not have siblings. I think I have seen some posts on here from people who are sad about it, but honestly I suspect its rare.

Can you try to reframe this psychologically as being very fortunate that you have been able to have one child given your fertility challenges?

It makes me glad to hear that you are happy being an only! You are right on all those points...a good relationship is never guaranteed I suppose.

It's just that I have so many friends having several children with total ease, some even first time trying each time ...

I'm similar in that my sister is 8 years older. I can't remember ever playing with her though we get on well now as adults. Thank you for your kind words. I have lots to be grateful for and feel actually really bad moaning!