AIBU to think that I'll regret this forever?

[Unsurewhattodo122]

Me and DH are lucky enough to have one wonderful son who we had after 2 years of trying (and medication as I've got a pituitary tumour that made me infertile). He's 6 now. When we tried for a second, it then turned out DH had extremely bad sperm quality. We were told we'd need ICSI which would a) bankrupt us and b) be a bit risky for me with the hormones plus I'm terrified of the process.

However - I've never fully gotten over it and feel guilty 24/7 that DS doesn't have a sibling. I'm 38 now and time is running out and I've just heard that my neighbour is pregnant with her third, I just feel like crying.

I kind of feel I'll regret it my entire life if I don't do something drastic now and try to get pregnant, at the same time I don't have the money or headspace for ICSI (I've got a history of anxiety so I don't think I could actually cope) , please tell me if I'll ever get over this!

Please don’t feel bad for your child as he won’t miss what he doesn’t have. I’m an only child and really don’t think I’ve been deprived not having siblings. Also your parents are fortunate to have a lovely grandchild.

Thank you so much for your response. Yes we're like this, DS is a social butterfly, makes friends easily and we often arrange playdates etc.

I often feel as if people kind of pity I my children though I'm not sure if I'm projecting!

There will be so many that reply on this thread that they have an only and their child is fine or were an only themselves and were/are fine or who have siblings and they hate them.

no one can say for certain about the future. You can only decide for yourself. I did go down the IVF route to give my child a sibling (which ended up as 2 as I had twins) - for me I knew I would have regrets if I couldn’t say I’d tried everything. Only you know for certain if that “everything” is IVF or not

Thank you for sharing, and sending lots of well wishes!

I have an only child by choice and every day I'm glad that we resisted the social pressure to have more. We love being a family of three. We have so much freedom, can plan activities that perfectly suit our child's age and interests. We have loads of quality time together and alone.

I have one sibling who I'm not particularly close to. DH is an only child who didn't feel like they lacked anything.

Everyone is different of course, but I just want to say that having an only child can be wonderful

Well exactly this, I know of people who had to have like 7 rounds of IVF and I don't have that kind of money. Also importantly, DH is very reluctant doing IVF.
We've tried about a year of fertility acupuncture for both of us which strangely helped with other stuff but not with fertility

My DB is 8 years older. We never played together or in fact did anything together. I might as well have been an only. He’s v nice but we don’t see each other much. Too big a gap I think.

I think I would concentrate on drawing an imaginary line, accepting the situation and looking towards the future with optimism.

You have no need to feel guilty about this , it is something you cannot control. Feeling guilty about not giving your parents more grandchildren is really not necessary, and for the whole of life up till the past few years, it would have been impossible for you to do anything about this.

You are over-reacting.

To have a child is a blessing and you have one! Don't worry about what you cannot have, be glad and enjoy what you have.

There are so many people who cannot conceive and their idea of joy is to have a baby.

I only have one and am quite content. I am lucky.

go and have a look at this thread

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5557873-my-son-is-treated-like-an-outsider-by-his-own-siblings-and-its-breaking-my-heart?page=1

I dont' know how much is true, how much is made up on there, but having siblings can mean so many different things

Please do not feel guilty for not giving your child a sibling. Only today mine (DS 18) told me he was so glad he was an only child because it meant he could spend more time with us, and that he only intended on having one child himself because having a second would not allow him to devote the time he needed to making memories with his first born.

Multi children families are great, but so are single child families. I’m really sorry that you may not get the second child that you want, but please don’t worry about your current child, they will still be very happy as you will make it that way ❤️

I have one child and honestly am so grateful as we have such a close bond. Through life he was always going to be an only child. Growing up yes everything is centred towards “families” single mum and son it was never easy but honestly now I wouldn’t change it. We are so close, he is 25 now and honestly amazing 🥰

That's so wonderful to read! You've obviously been amazing parents the way your son talks about his upbringing! He sounds like such a happy young man!

In a lot of places one child families are now the norm. There is nothing wrong with that. A lot of siblings aren't close, most prefer spending time with friends, ad a lot don't even live near each other when they grow up.
I do have 2, but that is just because I wanted that, so I understand if you do, but all I'm saying is please don't worry about it from the child's point of view. These days it's probably easier to just have one as you'll always be accused of favouring one over the other-our parents didn't have to worry about terms like glass/golden child!

I think you have so many complex feelings it's going to be too hard to unpick here.

I can offer a perspective as an only child and as a mother who has a grown child who is both infertile and in poor health.

When I was young, of course I wanted what I didn't ever have, a sibling. The older I've got, seeing my friends' relationships with theirs, I'm grateful I haven't had those complications in my life. My husband had a sibling, but they passed at a young age.

As for grandchildren, I'm not going to grieve what I haven't had except for my feelings for my own child and their regret. They seem to have dealt with the situation well, although I know there's pain there. Their fertility or lack of is their life not mine, they have no obligation to me and I have no rights.

Personally I wouldn't put much store by your outside perspective of your friends' lives. People never tell the whole truth.

I hope you find peace with your life and I hope that comes soon.

Whatever happens, I hope you can let go of the guilt, especially when you've had fertility issues. Your parents are probably really happy for you that you've been able to have a baby.

You are wasting the time you should be enjoying your child in hankering for another.

I'm an only child and am very happy, I never once wanted a sibling. I also have no children (by choice) so my parents never had any grandchildren. Did I feel guilty? - no. Did my parents ever mention the fact that there were no gc? - no. We all seemed to manage happy lives with what we had.

Had a similar experience regarding a second child. Never thought I’d come to terms with it but happy to say I definitely have but god, it took time. But right now I truly feel it worked out for the best. Time really does help.
I hope you get there far sooner than you think you will. I genuinely thought I never would but I did and I hope you will too.

I'd keep pushing and see if there is anyway at all you can pay for it. There are wonderful messages on here particularly the first response, but I would keep going at 38.

It’s hard to accept that we can’t always get what we want in life. But there’s such peace in acceptance.
I had not planned to have one child but circumstances dictated that’s what I got.
He’s my sunshine. He’s the happiest teenager I’ve ever met and we have a lovely life. Funnily enough, he’s never asked for a sibling.
Sometimes things just work out really well.

You will get over the feeling, I did although it took till menopause started. But it will go. Focus on what you've got.

I love having a sister...she's my best friend and it's been a total blessing having her in my life...
..so I was thrilled to have a second daughter as a sister for dd1 and hope they support each other through life....but I totally appreciate it's not a given that they will be friends. Its total luck.

I am one of 4, we pretty much have nothing to do with each other and it's been that way for many many years. 2 of them are actually awful people to be around imo, growing up as well as being mature adults now and I can't do more than about 10 mins.

No promises any sibling would get on, truly and giving grandparents more grandkids has nothing to do with anything because you shouldn't have children for other people or expectations you feel towards them.

Enjoy your young son, every moment. Wish you well going forward, whichever way that is.

I personally feel that morally it is shaky at best to have a child for the existing child to have a sibling. Their identify should not be to be James’ brother or sister; they are a person in their own right and should be wanted as a son or a daughter.

I was desperate for a second child, not as a sibling for my ds but for me. I wanted to experience pregnancy and birth and a baby again and I wanted another child.

I am four years in and I regret that decision. Of course, I love DC2 as much as I love DC1, but I never get to enjoy them as individuals. Something I didn’t factor when I had a second child is that the presence of another child changes the dynamics dramatically. Think about a friends child who doesn’t bring out the best in your child. Then imagine having them live with you, and you get the idea. Alone, mine are lovely. Together they talk over one another, clamour for attention I can’t give to them and fight over me. You don’t necessarily have two built in best friends who love and support one another no matter what: you have rivals who will vy for attention.

That is all a bit bleak and there are some sweet moments; they do get on and they hopefully will be some form of support to one another but this doesn’t necessarily come from siblings but good friends, especially other only children.

I adore dc2 but I also know if I could go back in time and not have met them I wouldn’t have two again.

You won’t miss out on anything by only having one.