AIBU to think that I'll regret this forever?

[Unsurewhattodo122]

Me and DH are lucky enough to have one wonderful son who we had after 2 years of trying (and medication as I've got a pituitary tumour that made me infertile). He's 6 now. When we tried for a second, it then turned out DH had extremely bad sperm quality. We were told we'd need ICSI which would a) bankrupt us and b) be a bit risky for me with the hormones plus I'm terrified of the process.

However - I've never fully gotten over it and feel guilty 24/7 that DS doesn't have a sibling. I'm 38 now and time is running out and I've just heard that my neighbour is pregnant with her third, I just feel like crying.

I kind of feel I'll regret it my entire life if I don't do something drastic now and try to get pregnant, at the same time I don't have the money or headspace for ICSI (I've got a history of anxiety so I don't think I could actually cope) , please tell me if I'll ever get over this!

Enjoy your son.

Adoption as a means to have a sibling for her child is more likely to upend the whole family than IVF.

I broadly agree with this.

My ds has a softer, the ‘perfect’ two and a half year age gap. She’s lovely. His childhood ended the day she was born.

His best friend is an only. Ds and he are inseparable.

You can choose friends but with siblings you get what you’re given.

Look at doing fertility treatment in Spain, it's a lot cheaper than UK.

You will grieve and learn to live with this OP, happily.

You will also regret not concentrating on your child because you can't help being distracted and hurt by the lack of another child.

I know you can't help being in pain, but be aware that you might look back and wish you made more of these years.

I am not trying to be unkind.

It's really difficult when your life takes a different path to the one you expected. Sometimes you have to dig deep to get past that feeling and appreciate the life you're living, not just grieve for the life you expected.

DH and I have 1 child through IVF. It was an absolutely brutal process. It felt so unexpected too, the shock of having to go through it has never really gone away. And the anxiety through my successful pregnancy was horrific. We have a great life the 3 of us and both agree that we would never go through it again and risk the health and happiness that we have now. Plus DC isn't too bothered about sleep, so we wouldn't have the energy 😀

Gebuine question: why do you care so much what other people think?

You've mentioned your parents, your son and "other people", but your husband doesn't want more and his opinion matters more than theirs.

Fwiw, I have a sibling and they are a total shit. Many others feel the same.

So by all means try for more if ti's what you and dh want, but you need to be confident and own that, because you're framing it like it's a "must have" for your child when in reality, your child isn't part of the decision making process and rhere is as much chance they won't like eachother as there is thst they will and that's a gamble you and DH alone are accountable for.

It's all lovely to imagine two happy siblings but the reality is you may have post party depression, worsened health, less time and opportunities for your eldest and they may not get along. So measurably his life might be worse, which is why you need to decide for you and DH and be accountable about what you both want.

Siblings are not always gifts.

Don’t put the pressure on your son or potential future children to be best buddies or even companions. I’ve never got on with my sister. I never will. DM says that her greatest fear is that we el t see each otger a more after her death. She’s right.

OP, I haven't read the full thread but I'm currently in the trenches of infertility, not knowing if I'll even get one. I'm not saying this to guilt you, but try casting your mind back to that point and remember how much you'd have given up to even have one child.

You're fully entilited to your feelings and it's a different grief of secondary infertility entirely, you can't compare the two, but try and remember the shear dread of not knowing if you'd ever have a child.

Sorry if it comes across harshly, I don't mean it to.

It sounds like you may regret this decision OP. You sound like you really want to add to your family. Are you able to discuss the health risks with your medical team? Also is it possible to move away from all-or-nothing thinking about having multiple IVF rounds and consider having just 1 to see what happens?

Also just as a counter voice to the 'he might not even like a sibling' voices- he might love one (I have two brothers who really made my childhood great).

Then again, I know single children who hated being an only child....so you can't win.
I wanted a second child and also a sister for dd1 which I luckily got and they love each other to bits and they are glad they have a sibling. I guess I was just very lucky and I'm sorry it didn't work out sibling-wise for you :(
Sometimes however I regret having children at all with the cost of living, difficulties getting decent employment and the state of the world in general :(

Firstly....Please don't trash your health over this. Health is very precious and I don't think many people realise that until they face a crisis or have to confront a long-term condition. And don't strain your marriage over it if your dh isnt really on board.

I have an only child and would have liked a bigger family (age and some difficult family circumstances rather than infertility forced my hand).

As someone who is just about coming out of the shame and guilt tunnel now my advice to you as a stranger on the internet is please stop beating yourself up and enjoy the family you have.

It wasn't my fault
It isn't your fault.

A family of 3 is still a beautiful family. It's still a life well lived. And you have so much of it ahead of you.

I wish I hadn't spent so much time marinating in guilt and letting it detract from the life I have.

I would gently encourage you to unpack where this guilt is actually coming from.

Wishing you all the best whatever you decide.

Ultimately, it just wasn't meant to be. Between the money and health issues, going for IVF would be unwise. Just move on. IVF is just not possible for you, take it out of the equation.

If you really, really wanted more kids there are other options (surrogacy, international adoption, donor egg) but you won't entertain it.

So that's it. All possibilities are off the table. You can't have more children, don't torture yourself by pretending that it's possible for you. You have nothing to regret, it's not your fault

As someone aged 38 and childless after 3 years of infertility, 6 rounds IUI and 3 failed IVF, I think YANBU because I understand that your head and heart want what they want. I’m going to continue trying the IVF route until my MH reaches a point where I won’t survive it any longer . I get the shame about grandparents too cos I feel that every time a new round fails . Good luck @OP x

Adoption? Fostering?

I love my sister a lot, we had a great childhood together and now we are just as close. I was really happy when I had two girls because I hoped that they would have a similar relationship which they do, despite being absolutely nothing like one another. They also have great relationships with their cousins and it’s been really interesting as they have got older to see each of the children develop a one on one relationship with each other.

Great comment.

You will get pros and cons from both sides of this conundrum all of which are valid. I have 3 siblings (one of 4) and 3 children of my own.

there is a 6 year age gap between my eldest and middle daughter (only wanted one the had a change of heart). And they didn’t ’play’ together per se but as they get older I feel the gap closing and they all get along great (my youngest is 8 years younger then eldest).

my siblings and I have had ups and downs and falling out as well as joy. You aren’t guaranteed to get along but there is something about having shared stories and memories as children as well as similar jokes and feelings about parents.

my dad was diagnosed with dementia and I can’t tell you how grateful I am to have my siblings to share the grief and burden. No amount of good friends or even cousins can experience this like siblings can.

however this is just my story. I do feel sad when I hear my friends who don’t have siblings tell me how they longed for them or that the care of their parents is solely down to them.

so as much as im sure there are many pros and cons to each side, i do think if you want another child (and you may be trying to talk yourself out of it), go for it. You will not regret having that child for one moment.

I agree with @Hatty65

By 6/7 your son won't have a playmate if you had another baby

Speaking from experience I would enjoy him now and not spoil that enjoyment with regret about another potential child. Don't waste those precious years between 6 and 13 when boys are delightful and can be so close to their mums.

Well as I said I'd absolutely love another one, but can't have it so whether he wants a sibling or not is kind of by the by

Thank you so much..yes we're incredibly close, I'm so lucky to have him!

I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles. I hope you'll get the family you wish for and sending you all the very best wishes and a hug!

I think the problem is that it's very unlikely the first try will work and then you've opened that door and stopping. I've been told that you'd probably have several embryos after one round and then need to decide what to do with them, I'm absolutely dreading all this and just don't think I'm cut out for this unfortunately. Huge respect to everyone going through IVF as it sounds gruelling.