To be pissed off DS broke my trust and I need to tell the girls mum?

[Lavender317]

My ds is 13 and he's different to a lot of teen boys and teens in general as he doesn't care about social media and only has a phone because I feel comfortable with it on the way to school, the phone is his brothers old iPhone 7 (he did have a phone of his own - a Samsung but he lost it). He doesn't care about social media either but does have an iPad and Nintendo Switch and plays on his dads Xbox or brothers PlayStation. His search history on the iPad is normal and he's very into buses so his youtube history is bus routes and the sidemen and whatever he watches with older brother (travel challenges mainly)

He's kind and very thoughtful and he's bright . Hs does have ASD but it doesn’t affect him in many ways now he’s older, he was diagnosed at 3 due to being nonverbal but he really has caught up and it doesn’t really stand out. He goes to an all boys school but outside of school attends cadets and a tennis club which is mixed with both boys and girls. He's quite close to a girl from cadets, I don't think they're dating. Here's where people may flame me though but he asked for her to sleepover and I said yes. I know I know but let me explain.

I had my eldest at 16 - my mum didn't approve of the relationship I had with his dad, he never slept over but I still got pregnant and I didn't feel comfortable telling her about how he was treating me either so my goals for the boys are for us to have an open relationship and where they're respectful men. My eldest had a gf from 13-15 and I allowed sleepovers at 13/14, he also had a best friend who was a girl who'd sleep over from about 8/9 and it never stopped until they fell out (and nothing due to the sleepovers).

Anyway back to it, the girls mum has met ds2 (he went over to the girls house once) and they had a sleepover monday night as the girl has now finished school for the summer too so she came over and they played swingball in the garden and watched a film, had kfc then they spent time in ds’s room on the switch, it was pretty much what ds does when he’s on his own except with a friend. She slept on the air mattress in ds’s room. Fast forward to today when i was hovering ds’s room (im sure some will say he can do it himself but i was already hoovering so it didn’t hurt) and i found a condom wrapper and i admittedly did panic and over react, he only turned 13 in april.

He didn’t seem bothered at all when i showed it him and he said after some questioning that he was showing it her (she showed him a tampon she had in her bag apparently) and she thought it was funny, he said he took it from his brothers drawer and he knew he they were there as he had helped him sort his room once and he went off topic and was talking about how he was confused about why his brother had them if he’s gay but he explained to him about stds, i suspect this was because he felt awkward so tried to change the subject. He said he didn’t know where the condom had gone but kept saying he didn’t have sex with her and got quite frustrated but asked me not to tell DP (i haven’t yet as he’s away). i am inclined to believe him but also he’s a teenage boy and very deep into puberty much more than ds1 was in this age

AIBU to be annoyed with him and feel like he broke my trust? I also have to tell the girls mum don’t I?

2 hormonal young teens sharing a room. What could go wrong?
13/14 is too young to be having sex and all the " well they'd do it anyway" allowing them to share a room bollocks just condones it. It will also make them think a resulting pregnancy isn't a big deal, because hey, Mum knew we were sleeping together.

Remember too @Lavender317 the one likely to feel under pressure in this situation is the girl.

Do you realise that there are now lots of laws regarding underage sex, and if a boy (age 13 plus) has sex with a girl who is under the age of consent then he can be charged with r*pe...even if she consented. Because in the eyes of the law, an underage person can not consent. If her parents wanted to they could insist on pressing charges. Even if the daughter refused to support police investigation. I would very strongly advise you do some research on this before you consider your approach any further and allow any more sleepovers. This is illegal, and could land your son with the type of criminal record that will impact on him for the rest of his life.

I wouldn’t tell the girls mum.

If she gets pissed and goes to air cadets or the school about it the police will get involved. It’s a safe guarding issue.

I suggest you never let your son have another sleepover at a girls house or yours unless you want child services up your backside until he’s 16.

Of course the girl is your responsibility! She has been invited go sleepover at your house.
The girl's parents will have expected that you as the adult in charge , to taking reasonable measures to safeguard them both. You have a duty of care here.

Well what should it be about then hun? Mum of 3 boys here, my oldest is 18...no way on this PLANET would he have been having girls over to stay, not even now unless he's been with her for a fair amount of time. I was a year old than my oldest when I got pregnant, I want more for him.

Not in a month of Sundays would this shenanigans fly in my house.

I m not going to judge the sleepovers as I used to have a male friend all of my life till I was 20. But I met that boy when I was 2.5years old and we had more of a sibling relationship rather than anything else. He is still my best friend and both of us happily married with kids. However, your son’s situation is different. Seems that they developed a friendship older so more likely to develop feelings. I wouldn’t tell him off, more of trying to talk to him about the risks etc. He ll know how to hide things better next time so be prepared.

@Lavender317 there's just no excuse whatsoever to behave so irresponsibly.
Don't even try.
Yes tell the dm and be prepared for safeguarding authorities to be all over you.
DM, of course needs to be aware.

I got as far as the first line where you said your DS is different … and thought here we go. You let your 13 DS stay overnight with a young girl?

Allowing your 13 year old DS to have girls sleepover in his room practically guarantees that you will be a grandmother by the time he is 16.

He says they didn’t have sex; what he probably means is that they tried, but didn’t quite know how. They’ll succeed soon enough though.

And yes, you should tell the girls parents, and include details of the situation you created which allowed it to happen. You could at least have insisted on, and enforced, separate rooms FFS!

When did they say it was? They’re letting the OP know that being in cadets doesn’t mean they won’t be having sex?

Yes your right, your post was not about judging you but whether you spoke to the girls mum but your parenting here is so awful that people are shocked and needy to make it clear to you that letting two thirteen year olds (of the opposite gender) share rooms, and go upstairs alone is not acceptable.

You clearly haven't learnt from your own mistakes and seem to try to convince yourself that this is good parenting and you are not to blame -
'he's different from other boys'
your goal is to have an open relationship with your sons
your eldest (who is actually gay) had a girl stay over during 13-15

Honestly, this is shit parenting from both you and the girls parents but I by the way you think people are going off on a tangent, you don't feel you've done much wrong. Stop it now otherwise you are likely to have another teenage pregnancy, but the only thing now is you won't be able to blame your mum.

Did the girls parents know she was at your house and that they'd be staying in the same room? Seems odd. I think morally you have to tell them; they need to have a conversation with her and make sure she's OK. She's been put in a situation where she may have felt pressure to do something (maybe not full sex but something) and they're not old enough to handle that at 13.

Your inability to reflect upon the pattern of your parenting decisions and child safeguarding is horrifying. As parents we all fuck up but here you are being called out and you’re in utter denial still.

Denial is definitely the right word!

The OP has broken the trust with her son, not the other way round. A child should be able to trust that his parents will protect him from harm, which this mother has failed to do.

@Alltheducksandgeese why is the OP getting an unfair response? Do tell us why you think what @Lavender317 did was okay. Your experience was nothing like what the OP describes so was a pointless anecdote.

Wrong to not tell the girls mum for definite.