To be pissed off DS broke my trust and I need to tell the girls mum?

[Lavender317]

My ds is 13 and he's different to a lot of teen boys and teens in general as he doesn't care about social media and only has a phone because I feel comfortable with it on the way to school, the phone is his brothers old iPhone 7 (he did have a phone of his own - a Samsung but he lost it). He doesn't care about social media either but does have an iPad and Nintendo Switch and plays on his dads Xbox or brothers PlayStation. His search history on the iPad is normal and he's very into buses so his youtube history is bus routes and the sidemen and whatever he watches with older brother (travel challenges mainly)

He's kind and very thoughtful and he's bright . Hs does have ASD but it doesn’t affect him in many ways now he’s older, he was diagnosed at 3 due to being nonverbal but he really has caught up and it doesn’t really stand out. He goes to an all boys school but outside of school attends cadets and a tennis club which is mixed with both boys and girls. He's quite close to a girl from cadets, I don't think they're dating. Here's where people may flame me though but he asked for her to sleepover and I said yes. I know I know but let me explain.

I had my eldest at 16 - my mum didn't approve of the relationship I had with his dad, he never slept over but I still got pregnant and I didn't feel comfortable telling her about how he was treating me either so my goals for the boys are for us to have an open relationship and where they're respectful men. My eldest had a gf from 13-15 and I allowed sleepovers at 13/14, he also had a best friend who was a girl who'd sleep over from about 8/9 and it never stopped until they fell out (and nothing due to the sleepovers).

Anyway back to it, the girls mum has met ds2 (he went over to the girls house once) and they had a sleepover monday night as the girl has now finished school for the summer too so she came over and they played swingball in the garden and watched a film, had kfc then they spent time in ds’s room on the switch, it was pretty much what ds does when he’s on his own except with a friend. She slept on the air mattress in ds’s room. Fast forward to today when i was hovering ds’s room (im sure some will say he can do it himself but i was already hoovering so it didn’t hurt) and i found a condom wrapper and i admittedly did panic and over react, he only turned 13 in april.

He didn’t seem bothered at all when i showed it him and he said after some questioning that he was showing it her (she showed him a tampon she had in her bag apparently) and she thought it was funny, he said he took it from his brothers drawer and he knew he they were there as he had helped him sort his room once and he went off topic and was talking about how he was confused about why his brother had them if he’s gay but he explained to him about stds, i suspect this was because he felt awkward so tried to change the subject. He said he didn’t know where the condom had gone but kept saying he didn’t have sex with her and got quite frustrated but asked me not to tell DP (i haven’t yet as he’s away). i am inclined to believe him but also he’s a teenage boy and very deep into puberty much more than ds1 was in this age

AIBU to be annoyed with him and feel like he broke my trust? I also have to tell the girls mum don’t I?

Also if you suspect sex yes, they’re minors it’s statuary rape!

This.

My mum didn’t approve of the relationship, kicked me out because i wouldn’t have an abortion which pushed my closer to my ex and i felt i couldn’t tell her when he became abusive. I understand her not approving of him but we didn’t have an open relationship at all where I felt I could tell her things and I only left to protect DS. I was 16, his dad was 19. I got pregnant and we never once slept over so sex can happen anywhere is my point. It doesn’t only happen at night.

You just can't let 13 year olds have girlfriends stay over.

I have a friend who went down the "they'll do it anyway" route and allowed things like sleepovers and drinking at a young age - this it didn't end well for them at all. You're allowed to have rules and not allow things as a parent but still be close to your kids.

From my perspective I see this as actively encouraging sex is underage children, he's what year 8? Don't be cross at him for breaking your trust.

As for telling the girls mum, I would defo want to know. But then zero chance my DD would have been staying over anyway.

That was an awful decision to make.

You are extremely misguided - but the girl’s mother (or father) is presumably mentally subnormal or requires some kind of parenting assistance. Or plain negligent.

You've learned your lesson with this one. Plenty have already told you.

But I have to say, finding a condom wrapper at least means he used one!!

This doesn't excuse your terrible choice re the sleepover. Not being able to stop something doesn't mean encourage it and make sure they have somewhere to do it.

As someone pointed out he didn't break your trust at all unless you believe they had sex. Unless you specifically said "don't show each other condoms or tampons."

So clearly you do think they had sex, which is a reasonable conclusion.

And now you know not to do it again.

Does the girls mother know she was at your house? I had a friend who’s mum thought she came to mine every other weekend… she never once slept at mine. Her boyfriend lived around the corner.

Well most 13 year olds wouldn't, and you certainly don't go making it easier and more comfortable.for them. Appalling behaviour.

Of course you have to tell her parents. Although, IMO, her parents were as negligent as you. Unless they assumed your DS and their daughter would be in different rooms.

It truly reads that you're trying so hard to be cool mum that you're going to be a granny much too soon. Don't rebel against what happened with you at the expense of your kids.

Hs does have ASD but it doesn’t affect him in many ways now he’s older, he was diagnosed at 3 due to being nonverbal but he really has caught up and it doesn’t really stand out.

How much do you know about Asd and puberty?

Wtaf were you thinking? It would be stupid to allow a sleepover in different rooms but in the same room pf course that was always going to happen? You must be insane. You absolutely must tell the girl's parents. But be prepared that she will likely be banned by them from seeing him any more. Goodness me.

You will have no idea whether they actually had sex or not. But no more sleepovers and you drive her home when it’s time to go. No I wouldn’t tell her mum. But it certainly wouldn’t happen again.

This is a wild decision, OP. I am absolutely an advocate of talking to young people about sex and relationships, and of encouraging open communication. If I had a 16 year old who came to me and said they were thinking about sex with a trusted boyfriend/girlfriend and they wanted to chat/needed my support around birth control, I would provide it.

But there is a difference between that and actively allowing a 13 year old to have a member of the opposite sex stay in their room, and letting a 13 year old have a bf/gf stop over. 13 is so very young. You can't stop teens having sex if they really want to. But that's a far cry from encouraging it. And I don't think it's normal for 13 year olds to have sex. I don't think they are emotionally mature enough to fully understand the risks and everything else that comes along with sex.

This thread scares me as a mother and a teacher. DS is 22 now but he would never have had a GF stay over before 16 at the earliest and not until they had been dating quite a while. Luckily it was Covid so didn't have to worry about that!
As a teacher I know that 13 year olds have sex - but you are encouraging it, making it OK and appear normal. Did her parents even know she was staying at yours? If I was her mum and found out I would be contacting school and maybe even the police (about you for allowing this).

Does he know about the morning after pill?

Tbh they shouldn't even be upstairs during the day with the door closed at that age. Door open and you popping past whenever might help put them off. But normalising a sleepover is mad.

It wasn't a good call. But you didn't make it alone. The girls parents allowed it, presumably without questioning you on the arrangements, so you and they are jointly responsible. And for this reason, you need to tell them. Because just as you need to be less lax with your son, so do they with their daughter because she needs protection.
You can have a brilliant, open and respectful relationship with your kids without being permissive. Better in fact, because if you teach them that some things are not a good idea, and those are things you won't allow, explaining why, then when they're old enough to see it through a mature lens, they'll respect you for keeping them out of trouble. It isn't about trusting them to be sensible, it's about understanding that they are too young to always make wise choices, so that's your job.

What has letting your 13yo son have his gf sleepover in his bedroom have to do with 'open communication'?

Please parent your child. You know your job done is to protect him, right?

This girl sounds vulnerable too if she has parents that also allowed this. So two vulnerable 13yos, with SEND in the mix, sleeping together. What could possibly go wrong.

YABU. I won't give an opinion on the sleepover but you say that you allow them because you were scared to tell your mum about your BF and wanted an open and trusting relationship with your DC. Getting angry is quite counterproductive to that.
You chose one or the other really, be the cool mum who allows the sleepovers and has open and honest conversations with your DS or be the authoritative parents who has firm boundaries and gets angry.

I would most definitely tell the girls’ mum. Maybe it will shock at least one of you into responsible parenting.

As most people on here have ignored your question and instead repeated their horror at the situation, I will answer.
How you do depends on how well you know them and what sort of people they are.
I’d tell them first and assuming they are not unconcerned and laid back, have both sets of parents talk to kids together, find out what actually happened and lay down future conditions.
But they shouldn’t be made to feel guilty. All blame lies with you, and depending on what they knew, her parents

Did you speak to the girl's mother and she told you explicitly herself that she was happy for the girl to have a sleepover at your house and sleep in your son's room? if yes, then tell her you found the condom. if you didn't personally speak to her and she didnt say she was fine with them sleeping in the same room then I would wonder if she actually knew where her daughter was and entirely blame you for allowing anything to happen.