To be pissed off DS broke my trust and I need to tell the girls mum?

[Lavender317]

My ds is 13 and he's different to a lot of teen boys and teens in general as he doesn't care about social media and only has a phone because I feel comfortable with it on the way to school, the phone is his brothers old iPhone 7 (he did have a phone of his own - a Samsung but he lost it). He doesn't care about social media either but does have an iPad and Nintendo Switch and plays on his dads Xbox or brothers PlayStation. His search history on the iPad is normal and he's very into buses so his youtube history is bus routes and the sidemen and whatever he watches with older brother (travel challenges mainly)

He's kind and very thoughtful and he's bright . Hs does have ASD but it doesn’t affect him in many ways now he’s older, he was diagnosed at 3 due to being nonverbal but he really has caught up and it doesn’t really stand out. He goes to an all boys school but outside of school attends cadets and a tennis club which is mixed with both boys and girls. He's quite close to a girl from cadets, I don't think they're dating. Here's where people may flame me though but he asked for her to sleepover and I said yes. I know I know but let me explain.

I had my eldest at 16 - my mum didn't approve of the relationship I had with his dad, he never slept over but I still got pregnant and I didn't feel comfortable telling her about how he was treating me either so my goals for the boys are for us to have an open relationship and where they're respectful men. My eldest had a gf from 13-15 and I allowed sleepovers at 13/14, he also had a best friend who was a girl who'd sleep over from about 8/9 and it never stopped until they fell out (and nothing due to the sleepovers).

Anyway back to it, the girls mum has met ds2 (he went over to the girls house once) and they had a sleepover monday night as the girl has now finished school for the summer too so she came over and they played swingball in the garden and watched a film, had kfc then they spent time in ds’s room on the switch, it was pretty much what ds does when he’s on his own except with a friend. She slept on the air mattress in ds’s room. Fast forward to today when i was hovering ds’s room (im sure some will say he can do it himself but i was already hoovering so it didn’t hurt) and i found a condom wrapper and i admittedly did panic and over react, he only turned 13 in april.

He didn’t seem bothered at all when i showed it him and he said after some questioning that he was showing it her (she showed him a tampon she had in her bag apparently) and she thought it was funny, he said he took it from his brothers drawer and he knew he they were there as he had helped him sort his room once and he went off topic and was talking about how he was confused about why his brother had them if he’s gay but he explained to him about stds, i suspect this was because he felt awkward so tried to change the subject. He said he didn’t know where the condom had gone but kept saying he didn’t have sex with her and got quite frustrated but asked me not to tell DP (i haven’t yet as he’s away). i am inclined to believe him but also he’s a teenage boy and very deep into puberty much more than ds1 was in this age

AIBU to be annoyed with him and feel like he broke my trust? I also have to tell the girls mum don’t I?

What on earth are you thinking encouraging or allowing two vulnerable young people to be in such a situation.
I would also say exactly the same to the girls parents. They are children.you are supposed to keep them safe. You have let them both down

@Lavender317 Did the girl's mother know she would be sleeping in the same room as your son? As for sex can happen anywhere. Well yes, it can and does. But as the mother of a 13 year old you're supposed to minimise the chances not increase them. You also had a duty of care to protect the girl that was sleeping over. I mean, putting two hormone fuelled teenagers in the same bedroom all night is just asking for the bleeding obvious to happen.

If they did, then at least they took precautions.

“He didn’t know where the condom had gone” come on OP wtf?!?! That’s a very typical teenage “the sky is pink”

imagine the condom went down the loo. How incredibly irresponsible of you. You seem to have him up on a pedestal which will not raise him to treat women with respect either

If I was the girls mum I would be livid with you , if my daughter stayed at your house ( she wouldn’t ) I would expect at a bare minimum separate bedrooms . You have given consent for two under aged children to have sex under your roof , you should be ashamed .

It doesn't matter what the original thread was about when a child safe-guarding issue is raised. People have a duty to point this out so someone who may not understand that their parenting is unsafe.

This CANT be real, it's too absurd. But incase it is, OP you are both unreasonable, naive and nuts for allowing a sleepover.

If I knew you personally I would be making a report to children’s social care. You are taking no responsibility for what’s happened and your judgment is way-off. Grow up and be a parent.

Stop trying to be the cool mum and actually parent, or do you want a long line of teen parents to be your legacy?
You need to tell her mum incase they did have sex, or she was uncomfortable with his behaviour. She should have also asked what the sleeping arrangements were but it was your job to protect them in your home and you failed horribly

You can have an open relationship in terms of communication without allowing sleepovers. And of course teens won't only have sex if they are allowed to sleep over but it certainly makes it much more convenient for them!

You say your AIBU isn't about allowing sleepovers, but it should be. You allow a teenage girl to sleep in the same room as a teenage boy and you're annoyed at HIM because you found a condom wrapper?? Sigh. You should be annoyed at yourself for facilitating this happening.

He hasn't broken your trust at all. You said she could sleepover and she did. He said nothing happened, maybe it didn't, maybe it did. The only person that would be breaking anyone's trust would be you if you tell DP. However, in case anything DID happen, you now HAVE to break his trust and tell your DP as well as her mother to check that she is okay and if anything did happen she wasn't pressured, etc.

In future, don't allow girls to sleepover and you won't find yourself in this situation where your son is getting the blame for your poor judgement.

Op I think you’re getting it a bit tight here. All my dd2’s friends have been boys since day 1 and if I stopped sleepovers at 13 she’d have been left out of the fun parts of social life so I allowed it until about that age too. She’s 15 and still not even thought about having sex, she was still acting like a child at that point as were her boy pals. They had always done it. I stopped it when she started her periods but tbh I don’t think she asked again. Presumably the girls mum allowed it too so it’s on both equally. There’s nothing to say they had sex, playing about with condoms and tampons at that age is standard. You know now it’s time to knock it on the head. I’d be interested to know how many horrified people on here actually have a kid this age, especially ones with opposite gender friend groups.

Good grief! If ever there were a case for compulsory parenting classes, this is it - for OP and the girl's parents.

So much that doesn't make sense here. Unless you explicitly said to your DD 'Don't have sex with her tonight', how can he have betrayed your trust? No reaction would be an over reaction - but the person you should be over-reacting to is yourself, for allowing this to happen under your roof. Rather than asking how to react to DS, how about thinking about how you will react if the girl is pregnant? Did you promise not to tell DP, as requested by DS? If so, why? Of course you must tell the girl's mum. If she's as irresponsible a parent as you, she'll wonder why you've bothered.

Typo

I agree
this is absolute madness!

If you trust him enough to allow the sleep over then you need to trust his explanation of the condom wrapper and his statement that they didn’t have sex. If they did then at least they used a condom. These are the only take homes from this situation. He might have some learning from this but so do you my lovelie. Also never agree to keep secrets from your hubby. That will not go well.

Totally get the reasoning for allowing the sleepover but oh my, there should have been some ground rules. Doors open when gaming, separate bedrooms for sleep etc. So YABU for being upset with your son for breaking your trust because you pretty much gave them a green light by allowing them to sleep in the same room. Absolutely yes, you have to tell the girls mum BUT she also let her 13 year old have a sleepover at a boys house. No way would I allow my daughter to do that without knowing the family well first and knowing that there would be some strict ground rules about where they would actually be sleeping!

You play with fire and you get burned. You allowed the sleepover but so did her parents (I assume). Of course it’s in some way sexual.

Op get a grip ffs, what a moronic thing to allow . My god. Why in gods earth would you allow that ?

Agreed. What’s the fuck OP?
he is a CHILD. They are CHILDREN.

what the fuck????

This was poor judgement OP. It’s all very well saying they’ll do it anyway. But at night, with no supervision, in a comfortable place is a lot different (and probably preferable for them!) to doing it in some park or alley. They are 13, it’s illegal and wrong of you to enable it.

Having said that, I suppose his story ‘could’ be feasible- two daft kids getting a bit silly/curious about condoms and tampons. I think I would tell the girls parents (I sincerely hope for your sake that the other parent knew they were sharing a room; it would make them as naive as you, but the alternative is they didn’t know, in which case they will likely be incensed at you!). I’d tell them so they can talk to the girl and between you you can try to wangle the truth out of them. If they give conflicting stories with inconsistent details then they are probably lying.
They’ll need to establish whether the girl needs the morning after pill, assuming it’s not been too long. What a sad and disgraceful thing to have to say about a 13 year old kid. Please learn from this.

What the actual hell are the adults in this story playing at?

It sounds as though the other mum is as daft as you if she allowed her daughter to have a sleepover at your house at her age. You should tell her though. If your son is lying, it won’t make much difference to him. But the girlfriend could have an unwanted pregnancy emerging and if it was my daughter, I’d want to know early days.

But your reasoning is flawed! You had your DC at 16, so to be an open parent you let
your DS have a sleep over with his girl ‘friend’. Your experience should surely have made you more cautious.

What about the girl? Have you told her
mum yet? You must absolutely tell her.

This is a total mess isn’t it?

I would be devastated if this were my DS or DD. But I would never have allowed the sleepover or allowed my DD to sleep at your house.

Speechless!

I still question whether the other mother knew ...

Well, hopefully youv'e learned your lesson. I think you have a moral responsibility to tell the girls mum.