To be pissed off DS broke my trust and I need to tell the girls mum?

[Lavender317]

My ds is 13 and he's different to a lot of teen boys and teens in general as he doesn't care about social media and only has a phone because I feel comfortable with it on the way to school, the phone is his brothers old iPhone 7 (he did have a phone of his own - a Samsung but he lost it). He doesn't care about social media either but does have an iPad and Nintendo Switch and plays on his dads Xbox or brothers PlayStation. His search history on the iPad is normal and he's very into buses so his youtube history is bus routes and the sidemen and whatever he watches with older brother (travel challenges mainly)

He's kind and very thoughtful and he's bright . Hs does have ASD but it doesn’t affect him in many ways now he’s older, he was diagnosed at 3 due to being nonverbal but he really has caught up and it doesn’t really stand out. He goes to an all boys school but outside of school attends cadets and a tennis club which is mixed with both boys and girls. He's quite close to a girl from cadets, I don't think they're dating. Here's where people may flame me though but he asked for her to sleepover and I said yes. I know I know but let me explain.

I had my eldest at 16 - my mum didn't approve of the relationship I had with his dad, he never slept over but I still got pregnant and I didn't feel comfortable telling her about how he was treating me either so my goals for the boys are for us to have an open relationship and where they're respectful men. My eldest had a gf from 13-15 and I allowed sleepovers at 13/14, he also had a best friend who was a girl who'd sleep over from about 8/9 and it never stopped until they fell out (and nothing due to the sleepovers).

Anyway back to it, the girls mum has met ds2 (he went over to the girls house once) and they had a sleepover monday night as the girl has now finished school for the summer too so she came over and they played swingball in the garden and watched a film, had kfc then they spent time in ds’s room on the switch, it was pretty much what ds does when he’s on his own except with a friend. She slept on the air mattress in ds’s room. Fast forward to today when i was hovering ds’s room (im sure some will say he can do it himself but i was already hoovering so it didn’t hurt) and i found a condom wrapper and i admittedly did panic and over react, he only turned 13 in april.

He didn’t seem bothered at all when i showed it him and he said after some questioning that he was showing it her (she showed him a tampon she had in her bag apparently) and she thought it was funny, he said he took it from his brothers drawer and he knew he they were there as he had helped him sort his room once and he went off topic and was talking about how he was confused about why his brother had them if he’s gay but he explained to him about stds, i suspect this was because he felt awkward so tried to change the subject. He said he didn’t know where the condom had gone but kept saying he didn’t have sex with her and got quite frustrated but asked me not to tell DP (i haven’t yet as he’s away). i am inclined to believe him but also he’s a teenage boy and very deep into puberty much more than ds1 was in this age

AIBU to be annoyed with him and feel like he broke my trust? I also have to tell the girls mum don’t I?

You allowed a situation where they can easily have sex, and they will think that you condone it- a very stupid idea, how on earth will you explain in to the gf's parents? Pray nothing comes of it and you don't have to own up.
Broken your trust? FFS he's a 13 year old boy and we are talking about sex.
Your "reasoning" does not stand up , of course young teenagers can have sex anywhere, but it's much less likely than if they are in a nice warm comfortable bedroom.
These are children and sex between them is against the law, I am sure if it becomes police matter they will not be impressed with your behaviour.

I mean I echo most of the posters upthread so I don’t need to reiterate how bizarre this is.

However, surely you’d know if the condom was actually used?

I got pregnant and we never once slept over so sex can happen anywhere is my point. It doesn’t only happen at night.

Are you trolling?
Surely this has to be rage bait.

Of course sex can happen other than at nighttime’s but no one is stupid enough to not realise that it massively increases the chances of it happening when alone in a room together at night.

I’m guessing you are fine for your DH to have sleep overs with female colleagues and friends then?

I mean…You should’ve at least had them sleeping in different rooms.

Doesn’t matter how much you trust them they’re children and will do dumb things. They can’t help it. I would tell her mum it will be awkward and embarrassing for everyone involved but it a situation of both your own choosing

you can’t expect honesty and open communication from DS when you can’t even model it yourself. Lead by example. You don’t need to be angry but there are consequences for all actions, good, bad or neutral.

I would be surprised if the girls mum actually knew where she was / knew the sleeping arrangements … have you spoken to mum ?

No more sleepovers.

Talk to the girl’s mum.

You are being unreasonable to say that he broke your trust. Broke your trust about what, specifically?

I've tried asking this but reply cometh there none.

If anything she has broken the boy's trust ... he should be able to trust that she will protect him.

How do you know she isn’t pregnant already?

Also you are allowing the fact that your mum disapproved of your relationship screw your thinking.

I think it’s something you really need to work through. Teenagers don’t tell their parents everything it doesn’t matter how cool or open or close they are. Part of puberty is going through self actualisation and the establishment of who they are separate from parents.

you can be the most laidback parent in the world it doesn’t matter. It is unrealistic, they are developing internal and private lives and relationships that you won’t know about.

this doesn’t mean you don’t trust your child but have a healthy dose of scepticism and plan for what could be the worst outcome and go from there.

You've really misjudged this one but that's not what you're wanting to hear from the sound of things.

As you don't know for sure that they had sex (although it seems more than likely they did), I wouldn't tell the girls mother but I would most definitely talk to him again making it very clear it is illegal at his age, he's broken your trust and he's not having a girl sleep over again until they are older.

I'm curious what the girls parents thought the sleeping arrangements were? It's very young for a mixed sex sleep over. It's so wrong to have put them both, especially the girl in a vulnerable position like that.

Ok but I think your experience has skewed your views so much that it's become a safeguarding concern.

Allowing 13 year olds to have girlfriends sleep over is dangerously lax parenting. There's an argument for allowing older teens to have long established partners stay, but hormonal children should never be put in that position.

Agreed.

My mum didn’t approve of the relationship, kicked me out because i wouldn’t have an abortion which pushed my closer to my ex and i felt i couldn’t tell her when he became abusive. I understand her not approving of him but we didn’t have an open relationship at all where I felt I could tell her things and I only left to protect DS. I was 16, his dad was 19. I got pregnant and we never once slept over so sex can happen anywhere is my point. It doesn’t only happen at night.

Look, I get that everyone is always trying to correct their own parents' parenting by doing things differently with their own children, I really do. But the way this is fundamentally different is that you were a teenage girl - whereas your own children are teenage boys. You see? There was no way you were going to make the mistake your mum made. Your son was never going to get pregnant behind a bike shed, and then run off to live with a dodgy girlfriend because you've shouted at him and told him to get an abortion, was he? In the present day, you and your son are not the parallel to your mum and you. What you are is someone providing a private space for someone just like teenage you to be knocked up.

Maybe the answer to "what should you do" is "whatever you think the parents of the boy who got you pregnant should have done", but maybe the answer doesn't lie in the mistakes of the past.

I completely agree.

13 year olds are also much more likely to be coerced into doing something that they’re not comfortable with or being immature enough to believe everyone else is having sex too.

I would never put my DD in that position at 13.

The post might not be about sleep overs but seriously OP it’s bound to get mentioned!

Kids do and will get up to all sorts of stuff as part of growing up, and no, they won’t tell you everything no matter how open you think you are. But you’re making it ridiculously easy for children to have sex and I can’t believe you think this is appropriate at all.

Sorry Op, but I think there are little to no parental boundaries in place & the more I think about it the more I wonder if this is a genuine post as surely no parent can be this naive.

Hi OP,

I am not sure if you are still reading after 5 pages of Mumsnet outrage.
I think you sound like a great mum (puts hard hat on). It is generally a good idea to trust your kids and keep lines of communication open.
I do think you were being a little naive though. At this age I would give both of them a different room, not to avoid sex at all costs (two determined 13-year-olds will find a way), but to give both of them privacy even if they don't ask for it.
About your question: look underage sex is not ideal, but it does happen. You provided a situation where it was maybe a little too easy for them.
At this age separate bedrooms and the clear expectation that you might pop in for laundry or a plate of snacks (and forget to close the door).
If your son (and the girl) had sex, it really is not something to be angry about. You dropped a lit match next to some dried twigs, said I trust you and walked away.
It is possible that your son is telling the truth. They might not be interested in sex yet. Their friendship might be purely platonic, but if they did there is no taking it back. They used condoms so hopefully there will not be any consequences.
I wouldn't talk to the girl's parents. You don't know what her home life is like and as you can see from this thread and your own reaction, the idea of their child having sex can lead people to become very emotional.

Except it IS about whether you should allow sleep overs!

Pretend all you like but that's ultimately your problem and if you tell the girls parents, you are going to have to explain yourself on this.

You think this is normal and ok. THAT'S the problem.

You were mad (and very naive) to allow a sleepover.

But why on earth did the girl’s parents let her go?!

Assuming they knew she was at your house of course…..

Assuming this is true, it’s fucking insane

Both you and the girls mum are very wrong imo allowing same sex sleepovers at that age. I actually think this is very bad parentimg and you need to take a hard look at yourself, are you trying to be the cool mum or something?

Youre the parent snd its your job to ensure physical and mental welfare of your child and of those kids your child interacts with.

Youve put two young 13 year olds at risk.l here imo.

They dont have capacity for what youve arranged, was it a date-was it not- they were likely consideing. Lines have been blurred by you facilitating this. They were likely confused about the social dynamic of it all because this is not normal.

Yes you will need to tell girls mum but to be honest thst mum is just as bad.

I think both young people have been failed here by the adults in their life.

You sound like one these trying to be cool, wishy washy "mums/mate".

You can still have open dialogue with your children without putting them at risk in situations like this.

Imo your parenting standards seem very low and i think you should look to reflect on what happened, what went well, what went wrong, what could have been done differently. Id write those down and have a proper think to see if you can learn from this.

Im not a cool mum, if anything fall into strict and its no dating until 16 here (even in primary school when theres the innocent boyfrirnd/gitlfriend nonsense-we dont allow that and our message is normslised not just sprung upon them age 14 at first crush) and lots of talks about sex and relationship dynamics in teen years beforehand to develop emotional intelligence.

We focus hard on schoolwork and extra curriculars is the priority -not same sex slerpovers?! Parents need to put boundaries in place to protect their kids and other kids, thats our responsibility...again all imo.

Shaking my head at this one, both kids been failed, let down and put in siyuation neither are mentally equipped for. Disgrace to be honest.

Hope they really didnt have sex and this girl hasnt lost her virginity age 13 on an air mattress to some boy she wasnt even dating and i hope shes not pregnant and doesnt have to get an abortion.

A lot of risk - totally unneccessary.

If you really believed he liked her and were happy with dating befire 16 then you should have helped him explore his feelings, try to teach him whats right and whats wrong and encouraged him to plan a date and ask her on the date, prepared that she may accept or decline. Then further dates and boyfriend and girlfriend dynamic and what that means and boundaries, no sex until 16 at earliest. That should have been your involvement for their age.

Not facilitating same sex sleepover with an air mattress for her to sleep in his room.

She wasn't naive at all. That suggests innocence or not knowing what could happen. She knows better than anyone what could happen so I don't know why people are excusing this away by labelling it as naive.

One aspect of being naive (to me) is to be too trusting or to be blind to reality, in a “burying your head in the sand” kind of way. That’s how I meant it when I used the word naive in my initial post.

I see that more as willful ignorance to be honest

I can’t believe this is real.
If it is, you are nuts allowing this at 13!