AIBU to expect my mum to cancel her gym session to look after my kids?

[Mkxxx]

For context: I (34F) have two boys (3 and 11m). I have help from my mum once a week on a Tuesday. 8am-5pm she’s at my house. All the other days I get no help and no help from my MIL either. I have managed my maternity pretty much on my own with my husband in the office 5 days a week. It has been hard with a baby and a toddler. My son only recently turned 3. Anyway I never bug my mum to come outside of a Tuesday because honestly it’s just hard work and not worth it. However right now I’m very ill. She knows I’ve been unwell too. I don’t ask anyone to help me unless I’m desperate. So I asked my mum last night to come today. She said she can’t come until the afternoon when most the day has gone because she has the gym. I asked if she could miss it this once since I never ask like this and she said no. Now im feeling so much anger because the lack in inflexibility shocks me. If my child had asked me for help I would go! Also she doesn’t work and retired to ‘look after her grandchildren’. So am I wrong for feeling annoyed and upset?

When your mum comes for the day to help, what is she doing for you?

Makes more sense that you work the Tuesday. Thanks for clarifying.

I’m a great grandmother but at 85 too old to help However, I looked after my grandchildren when needed. I knew she had to work in order to contribute to the family finances. This continued into school days when I met them from school. My reward was a really close relationship which exists today. I can’t imagine a dd of mine being ill and refusing to help her while I went to a gym. Okay in my case it would have been an art class. Same thing. It’s a one off thing and she needs help.

You would ask a friend over your children’s own father to mind them when you are ill?

Literally mental.

What is going to happen to DC when anyone in the family is sick, including the children? Nursery/childminder won't take a sick child, how are the children going to get to care if DH or yourself is sick? These scenarios have to be thought through.

OP only said that because another poster told her not to bother helping her mum when she was older and needing care. OP's response was that she would help her as her mum had helped her a lot.

You are just determined to have a dig at OP.

You sound like a lovely mum and gran.

I m so happy I am from a country where grandparents actually love being grandparents and they had help and now they’re offering it back. I had (and still do!) a lot of help from my mom (who works full time & goes to the gym btw) and my DS has a fantastic and very special relationship with her, and for that I’ll be forever grateful. op, YANBU.

I’m on your side, OP. You’re ill, you don’t usually ask for a change in her schedule like this, and while I’m sure going to the gym is important to her, it’s not like it’s something she needs to do, or something she can’t reschedule.

Not if you have lovely friends who would ask you similar favors, also.

Being willing to help out doesn’t mean dropping everything to be at your beck and call which seems to be what you expect. She has her own life too!

He's entitled to take time off to care for a sick family member. It's the law.

Hello. I’m not a SAHM. I’m on maternity leave. I go back full time to work and I’m currently launching two businesses. I cook and clean and make fresh homemade food everyday and I workout. I’m not lazy as your post seems to imply.

And when I’m off maternity, I will be keeping days free to take off for unexpected illnesses. My kids will be in nursery and pre school.

So mothers should never leave work if they have a sick child?

Your childcare is your own responsibility. Your mum has done her time as a mother - she has no obligation to you outside of what you’ve agreed.

Lots of women helping each other with childcare so that the important men folk arent inconvenienced by their own kids. How lovely.

Have I got this correct? If your mother had said she wouldn't give you any help then you wouldn't have had children? I really don't know what to say to that. I think I'm going to back away from this thread

Perhaps your DM felt that someone from your DHs side of the family could help?

Your DM is from a generation where she will probably have been expected to put herself last, all the time. I’m now retired and have only in recent years been able to pick up my pre-family hobbies (I’m a musician which require regular practice and rehearsals). She’s now at a time of life where she should be able to prioritise herself more, not just instantly give up what she does just because someone else thinks she should. And btw, going to the gym is important to maintain her own health and wellbeing as she ages. She met you halfway by saying she could come after the gym, but that wasn’t enough for you.

Yeah, my mother was thrilled to have grandkids and spend time with them. Now they’re older and she’s taking care of my dad, who has Parkinson’s disease, but when they were babies she was over at our house multiple times a week. I couldn’t have survived it all without her.

YABU but also I think that you think it will be a one off is not realistic- when your children start nursery they will get every sickness bug going as likely will then you and if your husband won’t help you will end up in a dire situation

I will be back at work and keeping days free to take for emergencies.

This was just a one off illness issue where I needed some help in the morning.

I'm sure that OP is more than able to take care of both children when she is well. However, she is feeling very ill at the moment so it's obviously much harder to care for her children on her own. People who are sick take time off work. That doesn't mean that they are incapable of doing their job when they are well.

Be prepared for this not to be a one off.

What will happen if one of the children is ill and can’t go to childcare? Your husband needs to keep looking for a more flexible job because it can’t all be on you (and it’s not your mums job).

Once again anger and an unfair sense of expectation gets directed at a woman and not where the true fault lies. OP I would be looking at that crazy song for inspiration: "Where the hell is my husband?"

And will your husband have to keep some emergency days free?

This sexism is never going to change if we don't challenge it.