AIBU to expect my mum to cancel her gym session to look after my kids?

[Mkxxx]

For context: I (34F) have two boys (3 and 11m). I have help from my mum once a week on a Tuesday. 8am-5pm she’s at my house. All the other days I get no help and no help from my MIL either. I have managed my maternity pretty much on my own with my husband in the office 5 days a week. It has been hard with a baby and a toddler. My son only recently turned 3. Anyway I never bug my mum to come outside of a Tuesday because honestly it’s just hard work and not worth it. However right now I’m very ill. She knows I’ve been unwell too. I don’t ask anyone to help me unless I’m desperate. So I asked my mum last night to come today. She said she can’t come until the afternoon when most the day has gone because she has the gym. I asked if she could miss it this once since I never ask like this and she said no. Now im feeling so much anger because the lack in inflexibility shocks me. If my child had asked me for help I would go! Also she doesn’t work and retired to ‘look after her grandchildren’. So am I wrong for feeling annoyed and upset?

You could say the same of her mother.

Why did you assume my friends are all women? Check your own bias.

She is being unreasonable to prioritise gym over her daughter. I would be upset too

I agree with other posters who say it should fall to your husband first.

However it does seem a mean that your mam won’t miss one gym session to come and help. I can’t imagine either my mam or my MIL being so inflexible like this if I was unwell.

Irrelevant what his boss thinks
He's entitled to unpaid parental leave

Sorry you're struggling @Mkxxx but I'm with the majority here who think you are being very unreasonable. And fwiw, I'm also from a culture where families are expected to support each other, and that includes grandparents being around as a spare pair of hands for their grandkids (though also where older people are respected/ deferred to - if it's a contagious illness you have, I wouldn't be exposing an older woman to it).

You're looking after 2 kids, 4 days a week, during office hours if I've read right? And your mum is coming over in the afternoon because you're not well. Your set up is just about as easy as parenting can get.

I'm no martyr - I'd take any help that was offered to me - but if you've had kids on the understanding that you'll share them with your mum, you need to revise your understanding.

Personally, if I was her I'd miss the gym session to help you out (as long as you didn't have noro or something). But on the other hand, 8am-5pm, every Tuesday? I think she's probably earned a wee break herself?

And having read your updates/ your reply to @Longtimelurker1980 "Remember this when they are old and infirm. You reap what you sow." "Thank you for understanding. I won't hold it over her as she has helped me too."

Yikes. Your mother is effectively doing formal childcare for you (while you're on maternity leave) a full day every week. In all honesty, I don't know of any cultures where the family care practices align so well with the working day. Certainly not mine. But even from a transactional perspective, you have nothing to "hold over her". She's going well above and beyond, if she's looking after your kids, without you, a day a week.

If this is about the relationship, I suggest you change the arrangement to a more relational one - say, you hang out with your mum and your kids for a few hours, a few days a week. You pick up her shopping on the way to her house. She plays with the kids while you clean her bathroom, then she makes everyone some lunch before you help her clear up and go home to get your own house sorted and dinner started.

Someone who has their own life and healthy boundaries maybe? Have you never been ill and got through it on your own? I remember wanting to die from a nasty virus while travelling in Asia. But I had to get myself back to the UK and I did because I wasn't going to end my days in fucking Cambodia. As so many are saying, where's the husband - the other half of the equation who wanted to have kids???

Op, honestly, how poorly are you? As a single mum without help I got through every illness for 16 years, and the only days I had help were the day after two of my chemo appointments.

Just shut yourself in your bedroom with supplies and a pile of toys. Let your dcs play or snuggle while you rest.

I do think how sick you are is relevant though. If your husband works an hour away, and you've just fainted, then yes - your mum most definitely should be there.

I am not saying you are lazy, but your husband being AT WORK is not lazy either.

I’m on maternity leave.
I’m currently launching two businesses.

which one is it?

Kindly you are being unreasonable. I had the same gap. We lived far from both sets of DGPs.
I remember we both had flu. We asked in-laws to come help and they said no. If it had happened again we would have contacted friends or used some kind of emergency babysitter if we could - even just for an hour or two.
On these ill days either DH needs to come home or shorten his day. If not possible and it wasn’t for us then it’s TV on and just stay in 1 room and make the best of it.
It’s horrible. Ive been there.
However your Mum has done her child rearing time.

OP says 'So I asked my mum last night to come today'.

So her husband should have stayed.

I would feel similar to you OP. I also know that should either of my children need me they have and always will be my priority.

I hope you feel better soon.

It's your husbands' job to help you with the children when you're sick. Your anger is directed at completely the wrong person.

Ah. Missed that. Yeah, def agree, husband should have stayed. Or she possibly could just power through, if this was a pre-emptive request.

@Mkxxx "His manager doesn't believe in men helping." His manager can do one. Your DH is not 'helping'. He's the father of the child and is jointly responsible with you for bringing your child up. You've mentioned culture a few times - I'm assuming you're from a culture where women including yourself and DM have very little value (which is why you think she should step up) unlike said manager who is male and God.

On the “should husband have stayed home” that does very much depend on how ill she actually is. Is it a bit of a cold or is it full blown flu?

Op does seem to have a “drop everything and help” me attitude to things!

I think you lost sympathy OP when you said your mum comes round every Tues to help for 9hrs. Most mums on maternity leave get no help as they are at home to look after their kids. It is reasonable to ask your mum to help when you're sick but it is unreasonable to be cross if she has plans. She might not even be going to the gym. For all you know she might have a doctor's appointment and she doesn't want to worry you, or she is one of these people who are a stickler for routine and are very rigid in their plans. You just don't know her thought process. It's good she will come round in the afternoon. Least she's meeting you half way. Your partner could call in sick if you really can't get out of bed.

OPs mum is very involved.

She looks after the children every week and cancelled her plans to come for the afternoon.

It was just the one morning that she couldn’t do (even though no other family member or friend could/wasn’t even asked) and for some reason she’s getting hate when she sounds like a lovely person.

I guess the saying ‘the more you do for someone, the more they expect’ is very true.

I agree.

She’s either very poorly and DH needs to take the day off or she’s not that poorly and so she can cope without support for one morning.

Not so poorly they couldn’t run straight to MN….

My mum would say yes in a heartbeat.

There is a general feel on Mumsnet that you are a CF to have any expectations of grandparents at all.

Very different to my experience IRL and for all my peers. My Mum would cancel anything non urgent to help me in this type of scenario (I would never take the mick with it) and I will be absolutely the same with my DS when he grows up because that's what we do for those we love.

I do think your post excuses your DH a bit too much though. If you've been on mat leave for a year it's not like he will have needed to step in with this type of situation much, I imagine...not having to take time off if the kids are sick etc. I hope when you do return to work he intends to do his share as there isnt really an excuse not to.

ETA I do agree it does depend on how ill you actually are in terms of whether you should struggle through a bit...none of us can know that though.

Your husband should have called in sick himself. They are his children, not your mum's. You're too ill to look after them, he's a neglectful parent.

Her mother managed to raise the op to adulthood!

The op has her own children now and seems to be struggling to it’s a husband who doesn’t want to take time off work to help out at home