AIBU to expect my mum to cancel her gym session to look after my kids?

[Mkxxx]

For context: I (34F) have two boys (3 and 11m). I have help from my mum once a week on a Tuesday. 8am-5pm she’s at my house. All the other days I get no help and no help from my MIL either. I have managed my maternity pretty much on my own with my husband in the office 5 days a week. It has been hard with a baby and a toddler. My son only recently turned 3. Anyway I never bug my mum to come outside of a Tuesday because honestly it’s just hard work and not worth it. However right now I’m very ill. She knows I’ve been unwell too. I don’t ask anyone to help me unless I’m desperate. So I asked my mum last night to come today. She said she can’t come until the afternoon when most the day has gone because she has the gym. I asked if she could miss it this once since I never ask like this and she said no. Now im feeling so much anger because the lack in inflexibility shocks me. If my child had asked me for help I would go! Also she doesn’t work and retired to ‘look after her grandchildren’. So am I wrong for feeling annoyed and upset?

IT IS HIS CHILD

gosh then that’s very sad. Well done you for being the bigger person.

rest up and get well soon.

What a bizarre thing to say.

Your mum helps out once a week. Is STILL coming over to help this afternoon yet somehow her going to the gym seems to be some monumental occasion that you've decided you can "let go" as if her attending a gym session and not coming over straight away was somehow going to impact the support you gave her.

Yes, like most of us. OP seems to think she’s got it tough.

This reverse-misogyny is so odd. Someone has to pay the bills. I would always ask my non working parent or friend before expecting a partner to stay off work. It’s just common sense.

In spite of the fact that the OP's Mum helps one full day a week, I do think she was mean to put the gym before her sick daughter. I do agree that quite often young parents do act very entitled when it comes to expecting help from grandparents, so it is good to see that other posters appreciate that grandparents have actually done their bit by raising their own kids, but in this case I actually think the OP is justified in being pissed off with her Mum.

@Mkxxx

I am sorry you are not feeling well, and I hope you feel better soon. I also hope that when your husband gets home he can get stuck in so you can take yourself off for a rest or have an early night.

I am not sure it was your intention but you sounded extremely entitled in your first post. You are very, very lucky to have your mum have your kids for a full day every week FOR FREE.

They are your kids. These kinds of situations (sick kids, sick mum etc) happen to every family. It is not your mum's responsibility to change her plans and the tone in which you wrote your post was very demanding.

I am not sure about your mum's gym but at mine, missing booked classes at short notice might trigger penalties.

She might have a class that she attends that either she very much enjoys, is a social outlet for her, she meets other people there etc or she just might not want to do another day of childcare at short notice. There is nothing wrong at all with her choosing to ring fence this particular day for herself.

It is unfortunate that you are ill but many many parents have ZERO family support and have to cope with illness (either their kids or themselves). You just have a low key day, take all the meds that are allowed, and make a cheat meal for dinner. This may happen many many times over the years with young children. You can't just expect people to come in and rescue you all the time.

These are your children - strictly speaking this is a situation that you and your DH should be able to manage between yourselves.

Also saying "I would do it for my kids if they asked me to come and help". Please be careful with an attitude like this. One day - when you are feeling better - try to think about how many times your mum looked after you (and any siblings you have) when she herself was ill and she didn't have anyone rush in to help her or she had to juggle and re-arrange other commitments or pressures.

Your mum has done her time raising small kids - with you - she is allowed to prioritise herself from time to time. She is already doing you a massive favour.

An attitude of gratitude might help you.

I hope you feel better soon.

It’s HIS child.

The grandmother already raised HER children. She has her own life now! Despite this she is willing to help out once a week.

I don’t think you are unreasonable to be surprised that your mom would put the gym first.

As a mom I would definitely help but you do sound a bit entitled. You chose to have 2 kids with your partner not with your mom. You shouldn’t expect help from her. Parenthood is hard but is on you and your partner, nobody else. Also if you were struggling with one and didn’t have any support maybe you should have thought twice before having the second one. Sorry

I'm hope you feel better soon, OP, but, honestly, I never get these posts. I mean, with effective contraception freely available, how hard is it not to have more children than you can comfortably take care of on your own?

Don’t take it so literally. It was just a response to the comment. This gym issue will not even be remembered by the end of the week. The point I was saying it’s still my mum so I’m going to always be there. Me being upset by this one thing doesn’t define our whole relationship.

I’m pretty strict around protecting my exercise time, but tbh I would make an exception if my daughter or DIL was sick. It’s awful being ill and having young children to look after. Yes, your husband could request time off work and I would expect him to if it were a long term thing, but as a one off I would step in to help.

What makes you think the OP doesn't earn? She is on maternity leave and mentions starting businesses so she works too presumably or has in the past.

Nowhere does she say that the DH will not be paid if he asks for a day of annual leave or parental leave.

It’s a one off illness where I needed some help. I’m perfectly capable looking after my children thank you very much. Hope no one ever comes to you for help with an attitude like that.

I don’t think it’s entitled when I have been told that I would get help. If I just expected it like that then fair enough.

You do get help though.

Also your mum said she would come over when she could.

Why does she do such a long day when she does come over?

You're very lucky to have a full day's help every week. I'm sure your DC will have a lovely bond with their GM.
I hope you feel better soon.

I do think you’re being harsh. Your mom has said she will come after she’s finished with something she does for herself. She is not being selfish. You lr hubby could have had the morning off and then could have gone into work in the afternoon.

Right and OPs father or FiL dont exist? Why are only women expected to help?

It’s not her responsibility. She helps you a whole day each week, that’s a massive amount of help compared to most people. Of course you manage on your own, you chose to have children!

She did ask and her mum is busy in the morning.

So she either sucks it up or her DH takes it off to help his sick wife and parent his own kids.

The mum shouldn’t have to change her plans because she’s the only one kind enough to help out.

It’s because I usually work on the Tuesday. And she prefers to come once.

@Mkxxxthreads like these are always chock-full if posters saying you’re unreasonable, it’s your child so only your responsibility, of course your DH should be taking a day off rather than you asking your fit and healthy but retired mum for help. It baffles me. It’s one of those weird MN things that I have never encountered in real life, just like being expected to pay for everyone’s meals if you invite them out for your birthday, not having evening aswell day guests at your wedding, having a paid bar at your wedding etc etc.

I can see why you’re upset, I would be too.

I'm sorry, OP.
My mom would have my dad cooking something 'healing' while she comes round to nurse me / help with the children.
I'd help you as a friend, never mind family.
I hope you feel better soon 💐.

If my child was ill and needed my help to look after my own grandchildren, I would most definitely cancel a bloody gym session. Partners cannot always take time off. It is the most stressful time of your life, working full time and trying to parent two children like you don't work, so yes, I would help. Especially if I was retired and didn't have a boss breathing down my neck.