AIBU to expect my mum to cancel her gym session to look after my kids?

[Mkxxx]

For context: I (34F) have two boys (3 and 11m). I have help from my mum once a week on a Tuesday. 8am-5pm she’s at my house. All the other days I get no help and no help from my MIL either. I have managed my maternity pretty much on my own with my husband in the office 5 days a week. It has been hard with a baby and a toddler. My son only recently turned 3. Anyway I never bug my mum to come outside of a Tuesday because honestly it’s just hard work and not worth it. However right now I’m very ill. She knows I’ve been unwell too. I don’t ask anyone to help me unless I’m desperate. So I asked my mum last night to come today. She said she can’t come until the afternoon when most the day has gone because she has the gym. I asked if she could miss it this once since I never ask like this and she said no. Now im feeling so much anger because the lack in inflexibility shocks me. If my child had asked me for help I would go! Also she doesn’t work and retired to ‘look after her grandchildren’. So am I wrong for feeling annoyed and upset?

It doesn’t matter whether your DH manager doesn’t believe in men parenting their children or caring sick spouses. He has a legal right to emergency time of for dependents.

He needs to find his spine. And pull his weight

Absolutely this. Realistically your husband needs to get his priorities sorted out, and you should try being a bit less entitled.

You had not one, but two children on the proviso your mum would help and not the father of your child?! I’m sorry, but that’s just ridiculous. My husband had no help on his parental leave, he didn’t once call his mother or father, we just got on with it.

You're lucky your children still have a nana , many of us don't. It was never her responsibility to offer childcare, if you were reluctant to have children then you and your husband should have discussed that and made your own future plans. What would you do if your mum or mil were ill themselves.

Do you have a long-term serious health condition? You talk about “illnesses”.

If I’d have phoned my mum and said I didn’t feel well, I guarantee she’d have dropped everything, driven over, scooped up the children and the dog and taken them home until I was better.

My husband too would’ve come home from work, but he wouldn’t need to because my mum saw it as her job, and her pleasure, to help where she was needed.

Weren’t we lucky? I hope I’m a grandma like this.

That’s fine. You can’t then demand your mother comes instead.

This seems to imply that your mum should be ok catching whatever is making you ill. I'd hard pass at this if I were her too.

I personally wouldn’t and never have. Just had to power through

Well it’s easy to say that when you are younger but as someone staring 70 in the face and who does a lot of childcare to help my DC , I can assure you that our age group tend to tire more easily plus surely we are allowed to enjoy our retirement? Having worked for 40+ years , I refuse to feel guilty if I go out for lunch with friends or go on a city break with DH and to the best of my knowledge my DC accept that.
Today I - again- had 2 to entertain . Swimming , lunch , park , home and I am shattered .
I can’t make out if the OP is working ? If not , why need so much help ?

him working to support a SAHM IS literally pulling his weight?

When they both work full-time, then of course they will have to split kids sickness etc between themselves. But I bet the OP won't take a day off because her husband has a bug, and would have his own dad coming in the afternoon to help anyway 😂

Which is what the OP described

He's got his priorities wrong by working full time when his wife doesn't? Are you sure?

Is your default for looking after your children when you are not available your mum, rather than their father? This is what you are saying. It is his job, rather than your mum’s. Every time.

I get you op. I don’t get the Mumsnet - you should be grateful for every second grandparents give. They are some of our closest family. I would want to help my closest family if they were ill or in a crisis. That your mum doesn’t want to help you when you’re ill says a lot about your relationship. If you aren’t close or don’t get on then this makes sense. If you are close and otherwise functioning family then in my eyes it is bizarre that she would choose the gym over emergency care of grandchild. I would ask my mum who is hundreds of miles away.

Remember this when they are old and infirm. You reap what you sow.

Hi again. I don’t think it’s entitled when I have been told that I would get help. If I just expected it like that then fair enough.

My mum is aware and says I don’t take the mick and has said if you’re ever unwell I will come help. I just thought your child unwell is more important than the gym. Had she had an appointment for something I’d never expect her to come like that.

Also I feel nowadays mothers are shamed just for wanting some help. It’s not as simple as you chose to have kids. Sometimes there are moments where we struggle. Doesn’t mean you give up and feelings become automatically invalidated. I was with my grandparents all the time as a child.

Also with my husband he’s in a senior role and everyone is demanding from him. Saying I can’t come to work cause my wife is unwell won’t wash. And yes he’s looking elsewhere with more flexibility. Husband does nursery pickups and his manager never lets him leave on time!

Also with me on maternity leave. I’m back to work full time in September. I’m also currently trying to launch 2 side businesses. When I’m back my children are going to childcare settings. One at pre school, the other at nursery. So when this was a one off it literally was a one off.

Also to point out, I’m by no means hard done by. There are many mums out there struggling, we just have different levels of struggles sometimes so it’s nice to support.

I cannot believe some of these replies!
My mum would be round in a heartbeat. What the fuck is up with people?!

I agree. The most recent thread I know was where the OP was moaning her MIL wouldn't help when her kids was sick but her husband had never any time off work when the kids were sick, did nursery runs etc but was still a "great dad".

I'm all for families helping out. I think grandparent support is a wonderful thing and dont think we should be raising kids alone. However if you're really to unwell to look after your kids then really the onus should be on the the dad to step up, not the grandparent.

and absolutely I would ask my non working mother before asking my partner to stay home from work.

You’re a grown up, deal with it, some of us get no help at all.

I don’t think anyone other than the parents should have to ‘drop everything’ and put their lives on hold while looking after your children and dog!

And it’s certainly wrong to be angry at your mum when she kindly offers to come over after her gym session.

This!!!

Misogyny at its finest. So a woman is selfish for not helping look after her grandchild but a father doesn’t get the same response to not helping look after his own child! Why cos he’s a man and has a job? If anyone should be helping out it’s the child’s father!!

Thank you for understanding. Me and my mum are very close so I don’t get it either. Also when she’s old I won’t hold it over her as she has helped me too. I will still be there for her no matter what xx

Maybe see how you feel when you are nearly 70 !

HE IS AT WORK!!!

She is at the gym.

only on Mumsnet. It’s just not the real world.