AIBU to expect my mum to cancel her gym session to look after my kids?

[Mkxxx]

For context: I (34F) have two boys (3 and 11m). I have help from my mum once a week on a Tuesday. 8am-5pm she’s at my house. All the other days I get no help and no help from my MIL either. I have managed my maternity pretty much on my own with my husband in the office 5 days a week. It has been hard with a baby and a toddler. My son only recently turned 3. Anyway I never bug my mum to come outside of a Tuesday because honestly it’s just hard work and not worth it. However right now I’m very ill. She knows I’ve been unwell too. I don’t ask anyone to help me unless I’m desperate. So I asked my mum last night to come today. She said she can’t come until the afternoon when most the day has gone because she has the gym. I asked if she could miss it this once since I never ask like this and she said no. Now im feeling so much anger because the lack in inflexibility shocks me. If my child had asked me for help I would go! Also she doesn’t work and retired to ‘look after her grandchildren’. So am I wrong for feeling annoyed and upset?

You're definitely being unreasonable.

YOU chose to have children, your mother has raised hers already.

Be grateful that you get any help at all, you sound really entitled and it's not nice.

Grandparents are supposed to enjoy their grandchildren, not be recruited to do everything for them.

I have 3 children , all lat 40’s ,
6 grandchildren and a great great grandchild
I would drop any non essential appointment to help my children if they were ill.
Even now and I’m in my mid 70s, I would still help them if they were desperate

Wow, you’re so demeaning of women being unwell, Did you get someone (anyone) to parent your children when you had a headache?

So demeaning that any woman would expect that a headache meant they had to call in help.

So misogynistic!

So you excuse a DF not helping for a “headache” but another woman should?

Except she is sick.

Ok, and what would a single mother with no family do? When you make the decision to have a child, you do so knowing that this is going to be a possibility. You really do just have to power through. If all you can give is 2%, then you've given 100%.

To answer your question, yes, you are being unreasonable to ask your mum to give up her gym session. She already gives you a huge help all day on a every week and the fact that neither MIL nor your husband can step in doesn't mean it's up to your mum to give up even more time.
You and your husband decided to have the kids and now you gotta look after them - even when you're ill. You'll need to figure it out and fast as this will be the first of many times you need additional help with childcare.

Exactly
Some posters have issues with comprehension .
Op’s mother offered to come a bit later after her gym session . She knows her own child and obviously felt that Op could cope until the afternoon
Op, has the audacity to have a moan on MN .
She has a whole husband the father of the children.

You’re not too ill to be posting on here though?? Can’t be that bad.

The child is your responsibility , you had her. Your mum is living her life . She's not your childminder. Perhaps that's what you need . A paid child carer. So you can leave your child there for the day an a regular basis. I was a single parent after my divorce my daughter was three. my mum lived a ten minute walk from me. I'd never ask my mum to have my daughter she was at a child minder while I worked. Think about securing a full time carer.

Did you get angry at one of them if they didn't cancel their important, self care appointment for you? If so, you were entitled, like this poster. Nobody owes you care for your children, even family.

I agree. I am 66 now and raised 4 kids with no parental or PIL help. When I visit my son's family and my 2 young grandchildren, I have no idea how I did it. My grandchildren are the most beautiful things ever, but after an hour or 2 with them--I need a nap!

Right--aren't the OP's father and fil capable of helping? It's ALWAYS the women...

I would never suggest “going NC” - another concept MN is obsessed with - except in the direst of circumstances.

Why not? Because families should be there for each other, and be kind and supportive to each other.

I can’t speak to the OP’s situation but anecdotally many grandfathers literally are incapable of helping. My FIL was never alone with his children until they were old enough to be home alone themselves. He proudly told me he never changed a nappy. Damn straight I’m not leaving my kids with him - even if he would allow it, which he never would.

It’s misogyny that caused that situation in so many of the older generation. But it’s not misogyny to admit asking your FIL or dad is not an option, if they’re similar to what I describe.

Well, now that I think about it--when one of my children was about 3-4 months old and my parents were visiting, I asked my dad to sit with the baby on the sofa for 15 minutes so I could grab a shower. He agreed. As I was getting dressed I heard a 'thunk' and KNEW that the baby had rolled off the sofa onto the hardwood floor. Yup. That's exactly what happened. WTF. I thought maybe it was just my incompetent (kindest word I can think of) father.

Many of us know will have experienced both serious illness and minor illness and know the difference and what support is appropriate and necessary.

For example. Serious illness with a diagnosis where one cannot function will require a spouse to take time off. Minor illness where one feels off colour which sounds the case here won't.

My df used to pick dc up and take them to school if I had a cold for example. When I had a serious illness that required medical attention then dh took time off. These are normal and promotional responses. You really should know the difference.

As a parent there is not a chance I'd prioritise the gym over helping my dc but we do have a very close relationship.

My df was brilliant with ours. School runs, taking to dance classes etc. He loved being involved and helping. No idea why some keep parroting 'misogynist' bollocks.

But the OP described herself as “very ill”, you decided she was a “bit peaky”, what made you overule her feelings?

I’ve noticed throughout this thread and on others you seem to disregard women a lot, a classic line on this thread was “a DH can’t come running home because his wife has a headache”, why would you imagine that a woman as you’ve said wouldn’t know the validity of her illness?

Please don’t tell me I should know the difference, when on this thread alone you’ve downgraded OPs illness because you’ve decided you know better from a forum post. So if she was very ill, then why wasn’t the DF of the holder stepping up? You excused this by deciding she was a woman who was only peaky and therefore her DM should fill the void?

Looking at OPs small posting history, she doesn’t appreciate her mother, on more than one post that is evident. I’d help and support a grateful and respectful DC, but not one than just moans about me.

I also again would never farm my kids out to “anyone” as you’ve stated you did, our children were/are to be looked after primarily by us their parents, as should all children.

The granddads doing the full Monty is rare, though, isn’t it? And it’s usually the grandmothers who are expected to pick up the pieces, who are far more hands on, even when the grandparents are doing a stint together, let’s be honest.

In this case, perhaps the mum feels that she has done her time at the childcare coalface, that she does quite enough with her one day a week, she might even feel that that’s not sufficiently appreciated, and also that original poster is being a bit of a princess, isn't really that ill (sorry original poster; this might be completely unfair). We don’t know.

What is noticeable here, at least in the first set of posts, is that the tone on MN on this subject has changed. Even six months ago this debate would have been full of young women being outraged that their mothers weren’t offering to do their bit of childcare. And some hesitant, apologetic older women trying to explain that they had done their time with their own kids, usually while holding down a full time job, then might have had the burden of elderly parents, and were now tired, and simply not up to full days of babies and toddlers etc.

Despite the punitive cost of childcare, are older women finding the voice at last to say enough?

She didn’t say she couldn’t help though- just not in the morning because she is also taking care of her own health and fitness.

I would 100% do this for my daughter.
A gym session is easily rearranged or if its a specific class its no biggy to miss a week to help your daughter when shes unwell with 2 small DC.
Not everyone's DH has the flexibility to take a day off at short notice or gets paid carers leave, unpaid carers leave requires notice, unless your employer had a more generous policy than the statutory one.
If DHs emoyer is inflexible the simplest option is for DH to phone in sick ( and hope he doesn't catch it next week!!)
Is your dad around to help??

Why are people so accepting of men not stepping up though and so keen to make excuses while at the same time wanting to stop a woman to drop everything?

I don’t class myself as an overly feminist person but I am shocked by some of the attitudes here. Men - live your lives. Women - forever be at everyone’s beck and call.

Does it not feel to you as though the grandmother is making a point, I give up my free time to help with several sets of grandchildren, I brought up my children and worked, now I really need to look after myself for a change?

I love the fact that your mother has strong boundaries, good for her! Call your husband, he needs to come home.