AIBU to expect my mum to cancel her gym session to look after my kids?

[Mkxxx]

For context: I (34F) have two boys (3 and 11m). I have help from my mum once a week on a Tuesday. 8am-5pm she’s at my house. All the other days I get no help and no help from my MIL either. I have managed my maternity pretty much on my own with my husband in the office 5 days a week. It has been hard with a baby and a toddler. My son only recently turned 3. Anyway I never bug my mum to come outside of a Tuesday because honestly it’s just hard work and not worth it. However right now I’m very ill. She knows I’ve been unwell too. I don’t ask anyone to help me unless I’m desperate. So I asked my mum last night to come today. She said she can’t come until the afternoon when most the day has gone because she has the gym. I asked if she could miss it this once since I never ask like this and she said no. Now im feeling so much anger because the lack in inflexibility shocks me. If my child had asked me for help I would go! Also she doesn’t work and retired to ‘look after her grandchildren’. So am I wrong for feeling annoyed and upset?

That’s great that you can decide it’s “no biggie”! It’s like you’re the actual person who decides how important it is to them?

Let’s hope the DGM doesn’t catch and miss her gym, Tuesdays looking after OPs children and the other day she gives her other DGC.

'The granddads doing the full Monty is rare, though, isn’t it? '

Do you mean helping with childcare? Very common round here lots of grandads and dads in playgrounds at pick up. Unless at work, obviously then employers tend to expect them to be reliable!

It needs context about the nature of your illness.

Proper seriously ill (like could be hospitaliased or just out of hospital) you are not unreasonable.

Normal illness (flu, gastroenteritis etc) you are unreasonable.

'I would 100% do this for my daughter. A gym session is easily rearranged or if its a specific class its no biggy to miss a week to help your daughter when shes unwell with 2 small DC'

Exactly. Never ceases to amaze me some of the dysfunctional family situations we see on here.

I agree it's your husband's responsibility rather than your mum's. It's important your mum prioritises her own health and doesn't skip the gym as no doubt she's middle aged or older. Only if your husband nor his parents cannot step up and you're very very ill would i expect your mum to sacrifice her own well being.

I don’t understand people’s sense of entitlement that their parents must help with their kids. They’re your kids you made them! Never once have I asked my parents to do childcare for me while I’m at work. That’s me and my husbands responsibility. We work it out between us. Wise up ffs

It is a truth universally acknowledged that women still do the vast majority of childcare and childcare related activities. So much so that you don’t even need to prove it in court in discrimination cases because judges accept this as very well known fact. I and most of the people I know, in our 40s, ask our mums for help with kids and ask our dads if we need th lawnmower mending. Most of our friends still apportion jobs down gender lines -ie we do the washing, the men do the garden. It is just life, we have not evolved that much since the first discrimination acts came in in the 1970s.

it is not misogyny to accept a truth and run with it. Some grandads may be great child carers, and in future, there will be more as more men step up to the child caring plate. But for now, with grandparents who were born in the 50s/60s, the men are highly unlikely to be the ones you’d call to change a nappy.

you cannot judge these people by current expectations, and you can’t judge the OP or anyone else for understanding this very well accepted truth.

Mumsnetters with no sense of family, obligation and responsibility can never understand these kind of posts. Sorry for the pile on op and sorry you are unwell. Like you say, it’s a cultural thing, a lot of these commenters don’t have the culture of helping out family member or friends and so cannot relate. I do agree that your mum could have skipped the gym this one time for your sake which also acknowledging she’s been very helpful with her once a week help. Hope you feel better soon.

They’re certainly are, so dysfunctional that parents don’t take care of each other and their own family, they get anyone to do, anyone doesn’t matter what they miss, but we can’t have a DF inconvenienced by taking care of his own family! He must “be respected” because he’s working.

Keeping fit is v important for older people, especially if you want her to keep on looking after your kids

I imagine very few people want their father-in-law to come take care of them when they are ill.

Whilst it's not unreasonable to ask I think it's pretty unreasonable for you to be pissed off when she's said no she isn't available for the whole day. She did at least offer to come when she was done with her gym session which is better than not coming at all. I get you were ill(hopefully you're feeling better by now) but it doesn't entitle you to expect your mum to drop everything and come running especially when your kids have a capable father who could ask for a day's leave for childcare. Seems your husband needs to actually exercise some rights to parental leave in urgent situations

I haven't read everything, because you lost me at EXPECT my mother... No you should not expect!

Wow, some of the responses here are unbelievable. It’s not always easy to take time off work (the husband), and if my daughter was ill I’d be there in a heartbeat. Stuff the gym 😣

Your husband should take the day off and look after his own kids and wife.

However....

It saddens me that so many people on these threads always seem so cold about any expectation grandparents would help. Yes you decided to have kids and yes you have a husband... but I genuinely think people who love you and could put themselves at a minor inconvenience to help you would and if they won't it says something about their relationship. As a mum I'm telling you now there is no way that I wouldn't forego the gym for a morning to help my daughter

Your kids are yours and your husband’s responsibility, if your poorly he needs to help, not your mum, you need to realise this and stop moaning about her , your kids , you wanted them so you and husband need to deal
with it, some mums don’t have parents to help at all.

WHY are you too scared to ask your Husband?! The one who is also a parent to step up and look after HIS children…. Why does he not care enough about you to not work for one day? Stop blaming your mum who helps out already and look closer to why you have a Husband who clearly does not care about you, you’re deflecting greatly.

It’s mad isn’t it? I wouldn’t dream of demanding someone else look after my children unless it was their father and I know he would feel the same.

Your dear Mum shouldn’t be viewed as pure help to you, she has her own life and different priorities ie her own health.

your immediate family should be your first call ie your husband. It is difficult when they’re young but also this won’t help I know but remember you are incredibly lucky.

I don't think you can be annoyed with your mum as its her life. Also you sound a little 'poor me' saying you have 2 young children with no help and you do it all yourself. You have to expect that when you have children, its part of being a parent.
If its a one off get your husband to help or your MIL who never helps.
But all that aside I was really ill when my children were young and I didn't have to ask my mum to help, she was just there for me.
I currently work and don't have grandchildren but if my boys asked me for help then I'd try to help them. If you cant ask your parents for help then who can you ask.

I actually can’t bare entitled parents like this - you act like you didn’t plan this. You did, you planned another baby with a toddler and you have to take what comes with that.The children are you and your husbands responsibility, not your mums so no she can do what she wants with her free time!

I don’t think you are being unreasonable to be disappointed and upset. I would be too. But I learned very early on that I was on my own, and I could accept my parents as they were, or not. That was MY choice. Currently you have support from your mother, one day a week, which is more than many of us had/ have. Your choice is whether you want to risk your relationship with your mum and your current arrangement over this. In future, your husband will need to take time off, if you are too unwell to look after your children.
I hope you are feeling better soon. It suck’s being sick and having to look after the children as if you were not. 💐

'I’ve noticed throughout this thread and on others you seem to disregard women'

I'm a woman, so I disregard myself you think? Please don't cryptically comment about 'other' threads. Try and challenge me there or else it seems a bit unpleasant and like youre the disregarding other people's views.

I 100% support women. My dh took time off when I was seriously ill not when I was off colour. Do try to see the difference!

Why don’t you hire a babysitter for the morning.

Your husband needs to grow a backbone and start recognising the fact he's a parent.

He has a legal right to request flexible working and also to take unpaid leave to look after his children.

What his boss thinks is irrelevant.