AIBU to expect my mum to cancel her gym session to look after my kids?

[Mkxxx]

For context: I (34F) have two boys (3 and 11m). I have help from my mum once a week on a Tuesday. 8am-5pm she’s at my house. All the other days I get no help and no help from my MIL either. I have managed my maternity pretty much on my own with my husband in the office 5 days a week. It has been hard with a baby and a toddler. My son only recently turned 3. Anyway I never bug my mum to come outside of a Tuesday because honestly it’s just hard work and not worth it. However right now I’m very ill. She knows I’ve been unwell too. I don’t ask anyone to help me unless I’m desperate. So I asked my mum last night to come today. She said she can’t come until the afternoon when most the day has gone because she has the gym. I asked if she could miss it this once since I never ask like this and she said no. Now im feeling so much anger because the lack in inflexibility shocks me. If my child had asked me for help I would go! Also she doesn’t work and retired to ‘look after her grandchildren’. So am I wrong for feeling annoyed and upset?

Your husband should have stepped up

She can’t go six days a week….

1. she has babysitting duties to her other DGC (it’s all there in the OP)
2. She may have a class booked at a gym that she’s arranged for the days she doesn’t have babysitting duties, not necessarily on any other day
3. She offered to come over later, but OP like a spoilt child said no (can’t have been that ill, because she would’ve accepted that kind offer of help)
4. Annual leave for the DH is presumably paid for, it would’ve just a morning
5. she also works and is on ML she may still be earning
6. He has a duty now and when OP is back at work to share parental responsibilities, or is OP or DGM to cover all illness
7. OP may have been infectious, why would she want to infect her DM

I’m 10000000000 in the DGM favour! 🤷‍♀️

Of course!

I can't imagine not helping out if a family member is ill particularly when she's retired so she would possibly be able to rearrange her gym. Hope you soon feel better OP. Parenting when you're poorly is a tough gig 🌷

If only the children had two parents and one wasn’t unwell?

She should absolutely be helping you more especially if you are ill. She's retired with all the time in the world, the gym can wait

I hope you feel better soon. Being sick with small children is super hard. However, that being said I agree with your mum. You get a lot of help with one regular day a week. Most people don’t get this and it’s a huge imposition on your mums free time even if she loves the time with grandkids. She clearly needs this for her own mental health (particularly if she is helping with childcare) . If you are this unwell your husband should take time off. My in laws won’t even visit if someone in the house is unwell in case they catch something!

Let me rephrase that for you….

Shes raised her children, worked and had no time to do the things she wants (like daytime gym), she’s got other children she also helps.

Now is the time for her to do the things she enjoys without having time constraints!

She shouldn’t feel obliged to do childcare. It should be on her terms. In an emergency, yes, I bet she would help.

You are being unreasonable.
Your mum is already doing loads!
Is it easier to get annoyed by her than your partner, the kids' dad?
Or someone else in the family, preferably male as women are always expected to stand in, having done most of the child rearing first time round

I imagine your mother isn't on call for when you want her? I cannot believe you expect her to change her plans due to you feeling unwell. Where is your husband in all of this? Your mother decotes one full day a week to help you, that is very generous of her to do that. Just because she is a grandparent, it does not mean child care comes along with that. You choice to have children, we all have to get on with things when we are ill. Get over yourself

Or other GPs if the other parent really must work!

You are very unreasonable! You chose to have children so close together and you have a husband who should have taken time off for you. Your mum didn’t say no, she just said she’d be round later. It. Screams ungrateful to me

If the OP took all the 'shoulds' out of the equation, she'd feel much better about the whole thing.

It’s not unreasonable to ask your mum for help when you’re ill, and you and her grandchildren need some help. That’s what families are for. My mum would’ve dropped everything to help me if I was ill. I want my children when they’re grown to know, I’ll help if I can. ( not on demand) But absolutely if they’re ill.

Anyone who has family help is very lucky. We didn't have al lot, though my parents would have liked to do more. Only options were nursery or DH taking a day off. Xx

I get it from another mum but no I think that’s insane to ask your mum to not go to the gym! Get your husband to help!

What an appallingly transactional attitude.

I think you are right to feel upset. Not easy looking after children those ages. I would definitely have cancelled gym session to help my daughters and son in such a situation - you were ill, it was just the gym!

Its because they love their grandchildren and their sons and daughters. Grandchildren grow up so fast...they are very precious.

True. But grandparents shouldn't have to agree to provide childcare to be allowed time to nurture that bond. They should just be able to see their grandkids anyway without childcare being used by the kids' parents as a bargaining chip, imo anyway.

Realistically, a kind and thoughtful mum who cared about you would definitely do this for you without hesitation.

But MN is full of grannies who offer no help, and bitter mums who get none, so the polls on these topics always go the same way.

Everyone has different opinions. My children are little. If my daughter was unwell and struggling with two young children in the future though, I would definitely just rearrange the gym and help out. I wouldn't want her to suffer. I think the relationships on here seem very transactional. She helps you one day so never need or any for help at any other time!

I also find the whole paying your parents for childcare thing weird. Unless they had said they definitely don't want to do it. But then I wouldn't pay them anyway, I'd be paying for childcare.

Your post is the totally normal view that is most common in real life. MN is a parallel universe, honestly!

It’s a favour most people would do even for a friend, never mind their daughter. In fact I have done exactly this for a friend and I’m not some kind of saint. I bet many of us have.

You're lucky to have a full day of childcare from her once a week TBF. I don't have that with my 1 year old it is just me all week. When I got really ill with a stomach bug my husband took the day off? Where was your H??