AIBU to expect my mum to cancel her gym session to look after my kids?

[Mkxxx]

For context: I (34F) have two boys (3 and 11m). I have help from my mum once a week on a Tuesday. 8am-5pm she’s at my house. All the other days I get no help and no help from my MIL either. I have managed my maternity pretty much on my own with my husband in the office 5 days a week. It has been hard with a baby and a toddler. My son only recently turned 3. Anyway I never bug my mum to come outside of a Tuesday because honestly it’s just hard work and not worth it. However right now I’m very ill. She knows I’ve been unwell too. I don’t ask anyone to help me unless I’m desperate. So I asked my mum last night to come today. She said she can’t come until the afternoon when most the day has gone because she has the gym. I asked if she could miss it this once since I never ask like this and she said no. Now im feeling so much anger because the lack in inflexibility shocks me. If my child had asked me for help I would go! Also she doesn’t work and retired to ‘look after her grandchildren’. So am I wrong for feeling annoyed and upset?

' then come out with a man can’t take time off because his wife is “peaky”. I get reading your posts that both you and DH had whoever looking after your DCs whilst you worked and clearly wouldn’t take time off for each other or children'

Irl spouses do not take time off work to help the person at home if they feel off it. If seriously unwell, post op, bed bound or similar yes. For run of the mill off days no. I've no idea why you think employers would support this?

We didn't have 'whoever' helping with our dc. Just family or friends and we returned the favour. Hope that helps.

IRL mine did! But he is and always has been a decent and responsible husband and parent!

HTH!

Nothing much to add except I hope you aren't overly disappointed in human nature if the votes aren't showing what you were expecting OP..none of us knows the complexities of each others family relationships so it's always going to be hard to describe things as you see them..Don't take it personally.

Just family and friends?

You said

Anyone pitched in, as we currently do for others.

Not every grandparent can or wants to give up their job/hobby/interests/life to look after their children’s children. Neither does it mean they can’t have a wonderful relationship with them.

My parents live abroad and our children have a wonderful relationship with them even though they only see each other two or three times per year! My parents have their own fulfilling lives and are great parents and grandparents.

Employers don't need to support it, you take annual leave if necessary and permissible. I wouldn't expect them just to give me a day off for free (although I did have one job where you could take up to 5 paid days a year to look after kids which was incredibly generous at the time and probably still is).

I would miss the gym for my DD or DiL in such circumstances. I am utterly sure my DiL would do it for any of her GDC. Your DM is odd. Mind, you DH could have taken the day off - but I know that isn't always possible.
What you are doing, with a 3 year old and a 1 year old was normal in my generation btw. I think, however, it was considerably easier since most women with young DC were at home and a) helped each other out a bit and b) there were lots of activities, coffee mornings, toddler clubs etc to go to that broke up the day. A loss I think and not compensated for by making mothers of young children go out to work. A society that valued mothers would make it possible to combine motherhood with jobs/careers, making training later in life easy and including motherhood as part of seniority for wages/salary and so forth (after all, most mothers are running a huge budget and organising a team day in day out, good work experience on a wide front - not that everything is about going out to work).

Why on earth would you think that someone who was seeing her grandchildren all day once a week (and at other times) wasn't developing a close relationship?

Did Op ever say why her dad couldn't come over?

I know mine would have if mum couldn't.

But then you can’t on the one hand say OP was nowhere near sick enough for her husband to stay home from work to care for their children, while also saying it’s totally unreasonable that her DM could only come over for the afternoon and was in the wrong to not drop her morning plans.

Im in awe of anyone who's got family living close by who are able to help

Am I missing something or did you not read the OP that I did.
A gran who prioritises a visit to the gym and not her unwell daughter or seeing her grandchildren isn’t too worried about prioritising her family. 🤷‍♀️

what?

You’re questioning if a DGM that’s seeing her DGC for at least a full day a week is forming a relationship…. well yes, of course they are! They see them regularly and look after them for hours that day.

The fact that they wouldn’t see them for one extra morning because they had prior arrangements is hardly going to damage that relationship now is it? I mean that four hours is not critical as to bonding or not!

The OP is extremely ungrateful to be moaning about a four hour time slot that the DGM cannot fill.

Well I can. A dgm missing a gym session to help her off colour dd is proportionate, a spouse skiving off work and dashing home is not.

We’ll agree to disagree. My priorities are obviously different. When my DIL was ill my son had a job arranged for a disabled person and tried to prioritise them as they had suffered a bereavement. Obviously I as GM stepped in to look after the GC

Very few grandparents retire with the idea of providing childcare, you have no right to insist she miss her time at the gym- appeal to her better nature and try to sound less entitled.
When I was a child we didn't live near grandparents and they NEVER provided childcare, and never expected to- once you had done your time in the trenches that was it.
This modern expectation GP's will take up the slack of childcare without demur and without payment is really strange- who wants to give up the time for yourself you have worked for all your life to look after children, seriously?- many do it but I don't think it is their dream retirement.

I know a ton of people retiring now because they want to spend time with grandchildren and help their kids. Many also relocating to do so.

As does OPs DM, not sure what on earth disabled and bereaved people have got to do with the OPs DH?

You know lots of people retiring to look after grandchildren? Gosh you must know a lot of privileged or wealthy individuals. Most people cannot afford to retire so early.

How old are the people I know?

YABU. I don’t have parents. I was raised by my nana who died when I was 20, I have zero family and 4 kids. If I was that poorly their dad would take a day off work to help me. I hope that puts your situation into perspective. Be grateful for the help you get.

Your partner should be helping you out more. You shouldn’t expect your mum to be at your beck and call, she has her own life and you need to organise yours. You can’t help being ill so in this case, your DH needs to put in a few days off work and handle it.

To all the people saying her husband should take the day off. He’s working to pay their bills. The nan doesn’t work. They can go to the gym 6 days a week. I’m with OP. The Nan should come and help 100000%
my mum would come and help me no questions asked.
maybe majority of these posters aren’t close to their mums.

Well if your husband is in such a senior role he can’t ever take time off for childcare reasons (🙄) and you have two businesses, why not get some paid help?

Yes I agree it’s maybe not as close a relationship as some of us are lucky to have.