AIBU to expect my mum to cancel her gym session to look after my kids?

[Mkxxx]

For context: I (34F) have two boys (3 and 11m). I have help from my mum once a week on a Tuesday. 8am-5pm she’s at my house. All the other days I get no help and no help from my MIL either. I have managed my maternity pretty much on my own with my husband in the office 5 days a week. It has been hard with a baby and a toddler. My son only recently turned 3. Anyway I never bug my mum to come outside of a Tuesday because honestly it’s just hard work and not worth it. However right now I’m very ill. She knows I’ve been unwell too. I don’t ask anyone to help me unless I’m desperate. So I asked my mum last night to come today. She said she can’t come until the afternoon when most the day has gone because she has the gym. I asked if she could miss it this once since I never ask like this and she said no. Now im feeling so much anger because the lack in inflexibility shocks me. If my child had asked me for help I would go! Also she doesn’t work and retired to ‘look after her grandchildren’. So am I wrong for feeling annoyed and upset?

The law allows unpaid leave for situations like this.

My husband is a company director and would absolutely wfh or leave to cover for me if necessary. Times have changed!

“Older generations” so my age? 61? OP said that her DM has recently retired to help with DGC, so I anticipate about the same age? My DH and all our friend same age were hands on DF and DGF!

they’re in their 60s, not 90s!

Given the OP needs help, no one else helps, I’m not sure that will happen anytime soon.

Deciding whether or not to have children based on the amount of free care you might get is bonkers.

How do you think those of us whose parents live miles away or who actually don't have parents, managed?

This is a lovely response. OP I hope you’re feeling better now 💐.

Are there any grandads? Do they get the same vitriol? Women have it throughout their life as parents and then expected to do the same when grandparents. Your husband is the other parent, he needs to step up.

As a Grandma who has the children for a whole day every week I personally would always try and be flexible where possible. Certain plans I would not change unless an emergency but if it was a gym session,coffee with a friend etc I would cancel and help my daughter.

I have 3 kids and have never asked my mum to come and watch my kids when i am sick. I also have life long health issues. They are your kids parenting when sick is part and parcel of life. You get a lot of help more than most people I know do. I cant imagine asking my mum to come and help when sick let alone being annoyed she carried on with her own plans in the morning. I actually tell my mum to stay clear when we are sick so she doesn't get sick.

You were very lucky!

I remember when I had my first, husband (who my mother hated) not at home and I was having a really bad night, awful IBS and 6 month old baby who wouldn't stop crying. Phoned my mum at 3am and she was straight over. She even had to wake up my sister to drive her. There was never any doubt that she would be there in an emergency.

Obviously, that 6 month old grew up into a woman and had her own child. I'm still with the husband my mother eventually grew to like, and every time our granddaughter needed someone (often to pick her up from school in an emergency, or mind her because she couldn't go to school), hubs dropped everything (he's majority WFH) so that our daughter didn't have to pitch out of work. Where was the father? Also at work.

Adult kids aren't taking the piss when they ask for help. They're asking for help.

OP I hope you are feeling better today. There really are some very bitter screwed up people on MN ,just ignore them . X

Which is, um, misogyny.

If you ask someone to do something then feel angry when they say no, you’re not really asking, you’re expecting. There’s a difference. Your Mum was entitled to say no even if you expected her to drop everything. It sucks parenting when you’re not well, but many of us have been there and sometimes you need to find an alternative or just get on with it.

I do feel for you - it’s really, feally hard when you have young children and are not feeling well. I don’t think it’s your mothers responsibility to step in here - it is definitely your husbands responsibility. Most cultures expect help from grandparents, however, when it comes to illness of the other parent, it becomes the couple’s responsibility and not grandparents. If you were at work and your husband was sick, would you expect his mother to come and take care of your children? I do sympathise with you feeling unwell - it’s not a nice thing, however when you have children you do have to just get on with it! Next time insist that your husband takes time off - it’s actually very important for your new young family that he does step up when necessary. Also if you were really sick enough to not have capacity to care for your children, your mother would be there. You feel terrible, but you can and by the sounds of it are managing, like most other mothers have had to do. I wish you a speedy recovery and hope you manage some rest.

It is in society, I don’t think the poster was being misogynistic though, I am anything but but wouldn’t ask my father in law but doesn’t mean I don’t see the inequality

Are you sure she is going to the gym? Maybe she has something more important to do that she can’t miss and doesn’t want to mention and gym is actually a cover story- a medical appointment maybe? If she is normally supportive then it’s something to consider

That poster was and is misogynistic, has been throughout the thread. She also described that the OPs DH shouldn’t take time off work because the OP was feeling peeky. Despite the OP stating she was very unwell. So really demeaning to a woman like they don’t know their own sickness levels.

She can't though because she looks after her grandchildren for two full days a week. One OPs children and one her sisters children.
Perhaps her gym session is necessary for her mental or physical health and maybe it was a booked class. In any case she is entitled to a life of her own .
Also something some parents seem to forget is how tiring looking after grandchildren is as we get older. I am shattered after a day looking after mine.
OPs mother didn't say she wouldn't go and help her daughter just that she would go after she had fulfilled her own commitments. I find it very sad that some people are calling her selfish for that when she already gives two full days childcare to her grandchildren.

You both sound like very busy people OP.
I think with you returning to work it would be well advised to seek a local babysitter that could look after the children.

3-4 hours on a Saturday afternoon so you can have lunch together can mean so much when children are small.

I didn't have family support available so I paid a lovely older woman to give us some time off.

It was money very well spent and something we looked forward to.

She became someone my children grew very fond of.

I didn’t see where she was called selfish but agree with you overall.

OP I don't think you are BU to ask, but neither is your mum BU to suggest the afternoon. She may not have perceived it as an emergency as you were planning from the night before, so suggesting coming a bit later after the gym (which as PP's said she might need for various reasons) seemed reasonable to her to accommodate you both.

Did you ask the other potential sources of support to help you in the morning? Your DH, other grandparents etc? Your DM seems to be your sole support- building up friendship networks with other parents can be a great additional support.

As others have said, sometimes you do just need to get on with it, but of course it is not easy.

As PPs have said, trying to build up 2 businesses while on maternity leave is maybe too much. Are these the full-time work you refer to, or on top of that?

Goid to hear you are feeling better.

We were 'spoilt'. We had my parents, dh's parents, friends. Anyone pitched in, as we currently do for others. It is actually very normal and nice to have a network. The people on here who didn't understandably are projecting .

No the one projecting is you! You can’t even read the OP correctly, then come out with a man can’t take time off because his wife is “peaky”. I get reading your posts that both you and DH had whoever looking after your DCs whilst you worked and clearly wouldn’t take time off for each other or children who you deemed “peaky”, other parents are much more keen on putting their children and spouses first.

But we all have different standards, doesn’t make you right, and accuse others of projection.

Hope the “peeky” OP is better, don’t you?

So sorry that you don’t get help. I retired early to allow me to look after my grandchildren and can’t understand a grandparent not wanting to help their family and enjoy time with their grandchildren. It’s been precious time with them. We do Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday and have done since they were born.
Your mum isn’t developing a close relationship with them. Do you think she will regret that?
I hope you feel better health wise.
BTW I do the gym 4 days a week early morning so I’m here for them can’t she change the time for going to the gym?
Take care of yourself. X