AIBU to expect my mum to cancel her gym session to look after my kids?

[Mkxxx]

For context: I (34F) have two boys (3 and 11m). I have help from my mum once a week on a Tuesday. 8am-5pm she’s at my house. All the other days I get no help and no help from my MIL either. I have managed my maternity pretty much on my own with my husband in the office 5 days a week. It has been hard with a baby and a toddler. My son only recently turned 3. Anyway I never bug my mum to come outside of a Tuesday because honestly it’s just hard work and not worth it. However right now I’m very ill. She knows I’ve been unwell too. I don’t ask anyone to help me unless I’m desperate. So I asked my mum last night to come today. She said she can’t come until the afternoon when most the day has gone because she has the gym. I asked if she could miss it this once since I never ask like this and she said no. Now im feeling so much anger because the lack in inflexibility shocks me. If my child had asked me for help I would go! Also she doesn’t work and retired to ‘look after her grandchildren’. So am I wrong for feeling annoyed and upset?

The mother did go and help though (I think people are missing this) she just went a little later than the OP wanted.
She had a gym session that presumably she had already booked and maybe even paid for. It could be something that her doctor has recommended ,we don't know how important it was to her to go to it. Who are we do say that the gym session wasn't just as important to OPs mother as OPs work is to him?
But in any case the OPs mother is also a person in her own right with the right to a life.
She went to the gym session then she went to help her daughter. I don't think she did anything wrong. The OP is lucky to have her.

As a mother of adult children but not a grandparent I can't say what I would do, but I know how difficult it has/is to prioritise myself, even though they don't need me now to commit to set gym/classes/meet ups Its difficult, maybe after many years she's finally putting herself first to achieve a gym goal?

Like the many husbands and partners we hear about who prioritise multiple long periods in gym per week as its good for their mental health? Knowing you have a full day per week free childcare is fantastic, don't ruin your relationship with your mum feeling she's not doing enough, she really is, appreciate that. As everyone has said, your husband has to actually parent when you can't, simple. Who cares what his bosses thoughts on the matter of childcare is, if within his contract he can take time off for dependants being sick then he does.

Look elsewhere for additional help paid/other family, not expecting more from the one person freely giving you support

Exactly this!

I mean we’ve got people on here saying the DHM should just go on YouTube to exercise!

How controlling is that??

Although she obviously doesn’t have to I know for a fact my mam would come and help me if I was ill. I think you’re getting abit of a hard time here.

You’ll get told you’re wrong here but my mum would have instantly helped and I would do the same with my kids if they’re ill.

Your children, your responsibility.

Agree. Sad, isn't it?

Thankfully, both my daughters would rather be single than be with men who don’t see them as equal.

And her mum did go and help her just not as quickly as OP wanted

if you are so ill you can't look after your children for a morning, your husband needs to take emergency leave to do it. your entitlement towards your mum is off the charts

And here we go again, you can't be looked after in your old age if you didn't help out with your grandchildren. What a fucking awful attitude to have.

Your parents brought you up, fed you, clothed you, made sure you got an education so that you could get a job and work but fuck 'em in their old age if they don't stump up childcare first. Awful awful attitude

Mn is funny isn't it. I know not one person who would prioritise a gym session over their ill dd asking for help. Glad we don't come across such rabid folk irl bleating on about how very important gym sessions are and how everyone at work should just drop everything and dash home now.

Maybe ask mil next time op

Yes I think your mum could just go to the gym another day to help you out while you're poorly.
If you don't usually ask, I don't think what she regularly does for you is relevant - it's more of an emergency if you're too poorly to look after them, and if it were me, I'd cancel the gym and help out on this occasion. It's a one off.

But I do also agree with others, that your DH should step up if your mum can't help. I wouldn't be angry with her for saying no, she's got plans which she feels are more of a priority for her, which is fine. But your children should be your DH priority so he should step up on this occasion and I wouldn't direct your anger at your mum.

FWIW one day a week childcare sounds like a godsend to me, as I don't get any regular help at all. However, my parents will gladly help out ad hoc in an emergency - perhaps because they don't have that regular commitment and so are more willing when it matters. I'd probably be annoyed in your situation but I wouldn't let this on to your mum.

I was replying to a pp who said if she doesn't do her gym sessions her pain worsens. Must be difficult to be so reliant on gym opening if can only attend specific time so I helpfully suggested YouTube have resistance training sessions whicn may be of benefit?

Or her fil? Your misogyny is off the charts.

Apparently MIL never helps, so let’s shoot the one that does help?

I think you are getting some harsh comments on here!

Interesting how many women don’t have help. The suburb I live in, so many Mum’s have a LOT of help from Grandparents.

My parents are both dead and my Mum was in ill health for many years so couldn’t practically help much. So yes I also had to suck it up! Saying that if she was able I know she absolutely would have helped me in that situation. In context, if she’s retired- she has 3 other days a week to go to the gym!

But I also think it’s fair to expect your husband to step up, first.

Equally I think it’s human to be upset because parenting is a hard and vulnerable time. Personally I feel I would absolutely help my children in this situation when they are older, as I know how hard it is!

Totally agree! It’s clearly a woman’s job..

Yes anyone really fil, auntie, uncle, ndn. Then dm< who gave up work to look after dgc> will soon be complaining that she isn't needed!

Such a valid point.
‘the only person who currently helps me, will be a few hours late helping me yet another time, so is it right that I’m fuming at her, rather than at the other dozen family members and my own husband who never help?’
and, according to many on this thread, who are misogynists, ‘yes, you’re right, it’s so sad she doesn’t help more.’

As I said previously

No good deed goes unpunished.

You've been spoilt with help to be honest. My children are late teens, I was a single parent and neither sets of grandparents looked after my children once. Their choice, not mine. I made do, even when I was sick etc. You need tor realise nobody owes you help. You're lucky to have your mum do one day a week for you.

'But I also think it’s fair to expect your husband to step up, first'

Anyone would think he was playing golf. He was at work! Most responsible jobs do not allow spouses popping off home as dw/dh is a bit peaky. Serious illness yes, feeling off colour amd needing another pair of hands not so much.

So DMs must change their plans because DD feels a bit peeky?

If you read the first post it actually says she’s “very ill”, but you just change the facts to suit your misogynistic attitude.

It’s not misogyny just being realistic, very little grandfathers of older generations have taken anything to do with childcare