AIBU to expect my mum to cancel her gym session to look after my kids?

[Mkxxx]

For context: I (34F) have two boys (3 and 11m). I have help from my mum once a week on a Tuesday. 8am-5pm she’s at my house. All the other days I get no help and no help from my MIL either. I have managed my maternity pretty much on my own with my husband in the office 5 days a week. It has been hard with a baby and a toddler. My son only recently turned 3. Anyway I never bug my mum to come outside of a Tuesday because honestly it’s just hard work and not worth it. However right now I’m very ill. She knows I’ve been unwell too. I don’t ask anyone to help me unless I’m desperate. So I asked my mum last night to come today. She said she can’t come until the afternoon when most the day has gone because she has the gym. I asked if she could miss it this once since I never ask like this and she said no. Now im feeling so much anger because the lack in inflexibility shocks me. If my child had asked me for help I would go! Also she doesn’t work and retired to ‘look after her grandchildren’. So am I wrong for feeling annoyed and upset?

I really hope you don't feel like people are criticising you for the sake of it. Those of us who've had no support are - mostly - trying to get you to appreciate how lucky you are, so you don't end up shooting yourself in the foot. Even a loving and generous mother will, possibly, reach her limit some day. Maybe you've already felt at your limit with your kids sometimes? I definitely have. Mothers are allowed boundaries too. Ask someone else for help?

Anyway, I hope you feel better soon. I hope you and your mum are all good. I've disagreed with you, but I really do wish you well. 💜

It's not sneered at
But the world will not end if he takes a day off
There are very few jobs like that

Oh give over! You need help with your own children, feeling hard done by only having help from your mother one day a week, yet you’d help others?

You only had children because you got the promise of help from your mother?

how would you have had capacity to help others?

Who's sneering at him?

Of course his job is important but so are his kids

And definitely by Tuesday!

i can’t imagine refusing to help a daughter/son when they ask for help. Days off work are precious & if I could help to save them using a days holiday I would.

The majority of mothers (OP included, it seems) also work and support their families. Mothers often take days off if their children (or partners) are ill. Is suggesting that this is as it should be sneering at them?

Most mothers work. To suggest that they should work and also take on all responsibility for organising childcare (or get their female relatives to do it), because God forbid anyone distracts a man from his important Man Job for a moment, while men should just work and never have to give a moment's thought to the care of their own children, is the grossest sexism.

Interesting how you mention the gym enough time that we get the message (although didn't respond to whether there might be a penalty for late cancelling) but not once did you say anything about your illness.

I suspect your mum didn't think you were that unwell, that's all.

Just a final thought, I really hope if anyone in your life needs help for whatever reason (big or small), you can give it to them

The one you should be telling this to is your husband, who left his sick wife alone.

Not your poor mum or women online.

Your and your partners kids its both your job, not youre mums.
Her time is her time to do what she wants.

I am dreading my daughter announcing she is pregnant.

Whether she has children or not is entirely down to her and her husband. I have no say in it which is as it should be.

However by the standards of Mumsnet I will be required to disrupt my own plans at the drop of a hat to help out. If I don't all the child raising and love I've given to my children in the past count for naught and I am condemned to a lonely old age never seeing my family

It doesn’t matter what your husband’s role is, he is entitled to take parental leave like everyone else and SHOULD take it.

The majority of women work and financially support their family too. The OP included. I’m sure when she returns from mat leave she won’t just say “oh well I guess the baby will have to look after itself when it’s too contagious for daycare”.

I'm sorry.you're ill OP and hope you recover soon.

I voted that you were U (sorry).

Yes it would have been nice for your mum to adjust her plans and help, but she hasn't. And all you can do is ask and not have an expectation.
Your DH does need to step up - if he's senior then he should be leading by example for those more junior to him.and taking dependent's leave wheb his spouse is too unwell to care for his DC. If his organisation is too backwards to accept that then voting with his feet is sensible, particularly given from September you'll be working and having DC in childcare so he will need to step up more than while you've been off.

Your DM does more than many by regularly having your DC each week. Try and be thankful for that and not begrudge by conparing to others. Harder when you're unwell, I know.

Also keep an eye on "building your village" of friends who you can do reciprocal favours for - absolutely invaluable when you're in the thick of it and something upsets your best laid plans. If your 3 year old could have a few hours play date while your 11 month old napped and you rested, that may have been the missing piece for while your DM was at the gym this week.

I think the word 'expect' sums it up. No, you have no right to 'expect' your mum to do anything, she is her own person. In a total emergency with nobody else to turn to, you could perhaps explain and ask but not with the attitude that you have a right to 'expect' anything other than the help she already gives you.

Sorry you're unwell op and sorry your dm prioritised a gym session over helping.
This is not a chance I'd leave a dc struggling and unwell while I went to the gym
Get well soon!

🏅

OP, have you considered that your Mum isn’t at the gym but is at an appointment which is more important than either the gym or looking after your kids? (You being sick or not)

People are also forgetting that the mother did come in the afternoon, she merely said “sorry I can’t do straight away in the morning but I can come and help in the afternoon”. Is that really so awful? She had already done 2 days of childcare minimum for both her daughters, perhaps she just wanted a morning before caring for an infant and a toddler the rest of the day.
People really underestimate how tiring it can be for grandparents to care for young children.

I had D&V really badly whilst on maternity leave with a 6 month old and 2 year old. I asked my MIL to come and help because I felt awful and she came over and started cleaning my house! I was still looking after my DCs and had to ask her to come out of the kitchen and watch them whilst I went to the loo. When I came back quite some time later (15-20 mins) she was back in my kitchen cleaning it (I had a cleaner so it really wasn't that bad!) and my DC were on their own in the living room. I realised how dangerous this could turn out to be and messaged a friend also on maternity leave with kids the same age. She took all 4 of them away from the house, I sent MIL home (with thanks) and I just spent the rest of the day in bed with a bucket. DC was still breastfed so my friend brought them back throughout the day and then took them away again to give me the rest I needed. I never asked for help before or since from my MIL and when I really needed it she let me down. Thankfully I had my amazing friend who I have thanked and helped many times over since. If your mum won't do it, build a virtual village who will.

Of course you’re being unreasonable. If you’re ill with kids, you look after them anyway. If you’re genuinely too unwell to care for them safely, then your husband needs to help, or he needs to arrange an alternative like a temporary nanny.

You’re very fortunate to get free, regular babysitting from your mother. I didn’t get any family help whilst my kids were young. Only now they’re easy and interesting (junior school ages), do in laws want to spend solo time with them a few times a year! My side don’t help at all ever.

On the other hand, I also feel zero obligation to do elder care in future. It works both ways. It would be nice if your mum was willing to compromise but perhaps she already thinks she does a lot. Also, she didn’t say no entirely, she just had a different priority in the morning.

I really hope when someone asks you for a favour and you can’t make it for a couple of hours 1 morning, that they don’t act so rude and ungrateful towards you.

You seem to think this is your mums problem instead of everyone else including your own DH, your own father if you have one and your PIL.

Poor woman is being penalised for being the only one to ever help you out.

This is so true!

MIL - no help
DH - no help
FIL - no help
DF - no help

DM helps and she’s given a hard time!

No good deed goes unpunished!

😂

The message isn't getting lost, you are just not accepting the overwhelming response that yes, you are being completely unreasonable.

You have an issue with your mum putting her own wants and needs above your own. You feel entitled to have your childcare take priority over her plans. It isn't an 'issue' that she wants to go to the gym in her free time and help you when it suits her better, that's her right!

You chose to have children with your husband. It is your responsibility and your husband's to look after them. Asking for help isn't an issue, everyone can ask for help, and it's great when people are happy to give it. Your mum did agree to help, she's just helping in a way that works for her too. Being mad that the help isn't good enough for you? YABU