AIBU to expect my mum to cancel her gym session to look after my kids?

[Mkxxx]

For context: I (34F) have two boys (3 and 11m). I have help from my mum once a week on a Tuesday. 8am-5pm she’s at my house. All the other days I get no help and no help from my MIL either. I have managed my maternity pretty much on my own with my husband in the office 5 days a week. It has been hard with a baby and a toddler. My son only recently turned 3. Anyway I never bug my mum to come outside of a Tuesday because honestly it’s just hard work and not worth it. However right now I’m very ill. She knows I’ve been unwell too. I don’t ask anyone to help me unless I’m desperate. So I asked my mum last night to come today. She said she can’t come until the afternoon when most the day has gone because she has the gym. I asked if she could miss it this once since I never ask like this and she said no. Now im feeling so much anger because the lack in inflexibility shocks me. If my child had asked me for help I would go! Also she doesn’t work and retired to ‘look after her grandchildren’. So am I wrong for feeling annoyed and upset?

This isn't your Mum's problem. You sound annoyed that both her and your mil don't help more and'I have managed my own maternity'....yes. That's what happens. I get that it's hard. Especially when you are sick. We have all been there. You are looking to the wrong place for support though. This is where your husband needs to step up. If he's in a inflexible role and you can't cope then he needs to help you sort paid childcare. I find it hard to believe he can't take a days leave to look after his kids if you're really not able to though. Even in a senior role ( in fact in my experience the more senior you are the more flexibility you have). Your mum realises this is a slippery slope and is just maintaining boundaries. As she should. This is a problem you need to sort as a couple and you will thank her for it. She's just showing you tough love.

Hope you get well soon OP. I spent 2 months vomiting all day (chemo) whilst looking after 2 small kids as no family help and it was abysmal and lonely.

I’m not triggered 🤣🤣🤣

But OP is getting help….she gets a whole day a week, she’s still not happy! She also thinks it’s her mother’s place to step up, not the father of the children? I mean come on, who thinks the children’s own father shouldn’t parent as well?

Exactly this!!!

I can’t believe posters are being rude about OPs mum when she’s doing more than anyone else and already said that she would look after the kids in the afternoon.

I can’t get over the fact that OP and other posters are annoyed because the mum can’t do 1 morning (but still doing the afternoon), on top of the weekly childcare she already does and yet it seems no one else does anything.

She sounds wonderful and if I was her reading this thread I’d be having second thoughts about how much I help in future.

People are being mean, my mum or dad would always come and help out if I was ill and at home with the kids. My mums been taking my kids out for a day each week this summer holidays just to give me a break, I didn’t ask her to but it’s what she wants to do both as my mum and their grandma. Maybe your mum doesn’t realise just how unwell you’re feeling? Of course it would be great if your husband could take the day off but I appreciate not every workplace / boss is flexible around family needs. I think a lot of people here have no support and are judging you by that standard, there is literally nothing wrong with asking your mum for help if you need it and she’s around - just because other people don’t have that choice it doesn’t mean it’s an unacceptable thing to do? Hope
you feel better soon OP x

Oh gosh I'm sorry you went through that! I would've helped you if I knew you! Hope you are recovering. Sending lots of love xx

I assume your mum normally looks after them while your are at work and if you are off I'll, you will be at home. I know it's difficult to look after children when you are ill but unless you are v ill, I think you will have to just suck.it up. I assume when you go back to work, your mum will do your Tuesday childcare again.

Hi op if you are in the uk it’s irrelevant how your dh bosses feel about childcare there is a rule for all parents of dependent children they can take unpaid emergency leave to care for their children so your getting mad about your mum not dropping her plans but your not getting mad at your dh workplace. I’m sure your mum would have helped but maybe she needs the gym for her own health. Either way you need to realise it’s both parents jobs to take care of their children.

You have male friends that arent at work who you ask to look after your kids when you're unwell, over your husband?! Really?

Oh 100% people are being mean. My neighbour's mum comes every single day to help with her 3 kids and she's a nurse. I don't have jealously towards her, I'm actually happy for her and that she has that. Parenting isn't easy so I know how much that help will do for her.

People will always be better/worse off than you. I manage my kids all the time with no issues, sometimes an illness really does knock you.

Also people citing the law around work, yes I'm aware of the law. Doesn't mean employers stick to it all the time! Things aren't black and white.

But thank you for your message. x

why would you pay your own mother for childcare, I’m sure her mother wouldn’t do it every week if she didn’t want to, and I certainly wouldn’t take money off my own child to look after and spend time with my grandchildren.

yes it’s great her mum helps her one day a week but I think that’s pretty bare minimum for a grandparent and you should want to be involved and help when you can!

Also people citing the law around work, yes I'm aware of the law. Doesn't mean employers stick to it all the time! Things aren't black and white.

The law is very much black and white...

I genuinely hope not but I worry you will find yourself completely burnt out in a few years time trying to juggle two businesses, two children and all the responsibilities.

I don't think anyone's judging OP for asking - I'm certainly not. But I also think it's fine for the mum to say, yes, after I've been to the gym. Definitely in my case I'm judging from the position of having no help at all, but that's as valid as any other position isn't it? I think it's fine she asked. I think if I was the mum I'd probably have said yes. But I think it's fine the mum said no. And I think the OP doesn't realise how lucky she is. Whether it should be the case or not, many mums have nowhere near the support she does. I'm glad for her, and hope to be as good to my own kids, but the reality is this is a huge amount of support (as is what you get).

Also people citing the law around work, yes I'm aware of the law. Doesn't mean employers stick to it all the time! Things aren't black and white.

It is black and white, your husband is entitled to at least 5 weeks annual leave and emergency parental leave to care for his dependent children. It’s black and white in the UK.

OK - that's wonderful for your neighbour. But it doesn't change what many people here are trying to get you to accept: you have a huge amount of support from your mum. If you're in the UK, your husband can and should have taken time off. If you're launching 2 side businesses, you're working - thanks to your mum's support. It really is entirely acceptable for her to say no to this extra request (since, from what I've read, you asked the night before - so it wasn't an emergency).

Can you see that? You seem only to be replying to people who are shocked at your mother, so I can't tell if you recognise just how much your mum does (and, when you factor in how much she also does for your sister, how much she might need to protect her gym time?)

Nah. I re-read your post. Honestly, you seem to be comparing your mum to your neighbour's mum, and think she's falling short by that standard. You don't manage your kids "all the time with no issues". You manage them 4 days a week, except, apparently, when you anticipate that you might not feel up to it. I truly am glad that your mum is so supportive. For your own sake, I really wish you'd realise how lucky you are - you don't want to lose what you've got because your neighbour gets more.

Anyway notifications are going crazy. Going to delete this thread soon.

Just a final thought, I really hope if anyone in your life needs help for whatever reason (big or small), you can give it to them without such hateful comments.

Everyone's lives are different, so insulting someone because your life may look different is cruel.

Many people have way way worse situations than me, and my heart goes out to them. Many people have better situations and set ups than me, and I'm happy for them.

My mother is a wonderful person. We have had a disagreement which many mothers and daughters have. We will be fine by tomorrow.

I'm in awe of everyone on here who have jobs/careers that allow their partners to just 'take a day off' at a moment's notice with no consequences. And no loss of pay presumably?
OP, no your mum doesn't have to help but honestly I have friends who i would drop a gym session for if they needed help when they were ill, so I couldn't imagine not helping my children if i was able to. My parents used to have my child one day a week when I went back to work - at their suggestion - but nothing regular on maternity leave. That said, I was laid up with norovirus when my son was 6 months old and they came round as soon as they heard, to take him out while I clung to loo. My husband could probably have come home fron work but it would have been trickier. An emergency is different but simply being a bit ill is not a reason for them to have to take the day off easily.
Well done to all of you have have that flexibility with your partner's work but it's not always that simple!

So in summery you're going to ask the thread to be deleted because the poll didn't go your way.

@shortwife I'm in awe of everyone on here who have jobs/careers that allow their partners to just 'take a day off' at a moment's notice with no consequences.

So you have never left work to collect your ill child from nursery? Or had to stay home with them because they are too unwell or contagious for school?
It’s something literally every parent deals with and employers just need to accept that parents will occasionally need to drop things in emergency situations to care for their children.
My DH just had to take 3 days off “at a moments notice” because our DC was hospitalised … what other choice is there?

I'm in awe of everyone on here who have jobs/careers that allow their partners to just 'take a day off' at a moment's notice with no consequences. And no loss of pay presumably?

All parents can take a day off with no notice for emergency childcare purposes. They may lose pay but that's part of being a parent.

Employers don't get to decide whether they "stick to it". Are you saying that you'd've meekly accepted it if your boss told you they "don't believe" in maternity leave / pay? Come on.

If you don't examine your own internalised sexism, parenting is going to be a long twenty years. Still, look on the bright side - maybe you'll get a few years off before you segue into being a granny-skivvy. While DH puts his feet up and enjoys retirement, presumably.

I can see why you are cheesed off with your mum. A random gym session could easily be rearranged.

Ditto the chemo vomiting and looking after kids. It was a long time ago now and sadly my cancer returned ( and more!) but oh my god, it was hell on earth.

OP, nothing wrong in wanting/ needing a bit of extra help when you are ill. I’m sure your relationship with your mum will survive this.

You are lucky to have a mum who helps you once a week. Many of us don’t have that (I certainly don’t!). She’s a grandparent and is entitled to live her own life. I have two children, aged 3 and 2, and have absolutely no support whatsoever. My mum lives 3 hours away but even if she lived closer I wouldn’t ask her. She’s in her 60s and wants to live her new, retired life. She’s a grandparent, not a parent, to my children.

Why is the work that men do, the work that supports the family, so often sneered at on MN? Their own father is not down the pub or sitting in Costa 5 days a week, he's supporting his family.