AIBU to expect my mum to cancel her gym session to look after my kids?

[Mkxxx]

For context: I (34F) have two boys (3 and 11m). I have help from my mum once a week on a Tuesday. 8am-5pm she’s at my house. All the other days I get no help and no help from my MIL either. I have managed my maternity pretty much on my own with my husband in the office 5 days a week. It has been hard with a baby and a toddler. My son only recently turned 3. Anyway I never bug my mum to come outside of a Tuesday because honestly it’s just hard work and not worth it. However right now I’m very ill. She knows I’ve been unwell too. I don’t ask anyone to help me unless I’m desperate. So I asked my mum last night to come today. She said she can’t come until the afternoon when most the day has gone because she has the gym. I asked if she could miss it this once since I never ask like this and she said no. Now im feeling so much anger because the lack in inflexibility shocks me. If my child had asked me for help I would go! Also she doesn’t work and retired to ‘look after her grandchildren’. So am I wrong for feeling annoyed and upset?

@Mkxxx I think you're maybe getting a harder time than you expected on here, which must be upsetting when you're not well and feeling a bit let down by your mum. It's hard to communicate tone here, but I mean this really kindly - I wonder if you're underestimating yourself, in thinking you need help. You may well look back on these days and feel invincible, if you get through them without help. Maybe the help from your mum is even actually impeding your confidence a bit.

Or maybe your two side businesses are making you feel overwhelmed and stressed, and you need to leave them aside for a while. Because your kids, not your businesses, are your priority now.

I hope you feel better soon, and look back on this as a time you exceeded your own expectations of yourself. Honestly, those are the times when I became a mother.

You may be capable of looking after them, but their father obviously isn't. I feel sorry for you, but not because your mum let you down (she didn't).

Oh this is laughable. What about people who get cancer - would you still blame them for having more children than they can take care of while they are having chemo, even when they had no idea they’d get cancer at the point of conception?

of course not. In the real world, people get ill and need help. In the real world, friends and family then help out. And what goes around comes around, you help out and other people help you. It’s what I’d call normal life.

I feel so sorry for all you posters who live in these awful worlds where no one except your partners can possibly be expected to help with childcare. What a sad and lonely way to live.

He can’t call in sick. He’s not sick!!

Except when a villager tells someones kid off for running around a coffee shop then the villager gets told to mind their own because in the 2020s the village just means free childcare.

Behave!

Your husbands manager thinking men shouldn't help doesn't matter.
I'm a people manager too and there's a funny little thing called employment law that I have to abide by.

I feel so sorry for all you posters who live in these awful worlds where no one except your partners can possibly be expected to help with childcare. What a sad and lonely way to live.

I'd rather live in a world where my child's father was equal in parenting them than one where I blamed my mother for not helping me raise my children.

As a single mum I am very greatful to my support network. But I would never expect them to cancel pre arranged events for me unless I was in hospital and had no other options!

as good as support network may be they are still entitled to live their own lives.

It’s a shame she didn’t come and help. If you are so unwell and don’t usually exploit her, then she surely would have wanted to help her sick child. It sounds uncaring.

Grandma here who also does one day a week free of charge to small baby & toddler.
Have now for 3 years.

However im taken aback at some of these comments here, they are harsh.
Presumably from Mums who have little or no Grandparent support.

First of sorry you are ill with a toddler and tiny baby that requires a huge amount of resilience.
Secondly your hubby really should come home if you are sick.

However if thats impossible on this ocassion then as a Grandma too I would skip the gym and be there. Honestly nothing is more important than family....suppose you fainted?

My daughter knows im there for her 24/7
Parenting does not stop when your kids have children and this particular time with a newborn toddler is hardcore for any parent.

Im sad and sorry for all you young Mums who have no family help. That was my own personal experience too and thats why I help my daughter. Because I know hard and lonely it feels.

Time with my grandchildren is wonderful and precious and a gift.

Cannot imagine turning my back on my daughter if she was ill. Never.

I'm not saying he's lazy, it's the people in this post implying it. He's far from it.

And it's both! I parent in the day and do businesses at night.

He could take a day off though.

fgs, it’s a day with her grandchildren and the odd request to help when she’s ill. It’s really a very normal situation for a great number of parents. And I in turn will do the same for my grandchildren, with absolute delight.

This is lovely. Thank you. You are better at articulating yourself than me. I think that's why comments are being harsh! Also people's comments about paying are bizzare to me, not the norm with anyone I know. I have however said she doesn't need to do the Tuesday I can just get childcare etc, but she said she wants to otherwise she'll never see her grandkids. So comments that i'm a brat are a little intense.

You are not so sick that you can't post on the internet, you can certainly parent your own children. Free childcare for a full day every week is exceptionally generous. To be upset that your mum won't give up her own personal time doing something she enjoys to do your job as a parent for you is showing an incredible level of entitlement. She said she could do the afternoon, be greatful!! Many of us would love to have such a helpful grandparent!! Most people just parent their own children, sick or not! The mind honestly boggles!!

People say they wouldn't have "survived" but the truth is you would have as you would have no other option. Plenty of people (my parents were two of them) have had no grand parent support and have just had to got on with it as not surviving simply wasn't an option.

I think there's to be a fine balance. I have support of both sets of grandparents. Im very lucky and I don't take it for granted. I don't think we should do motherhood alone and support benefits everyone.

But I don't take the piss. I realise my parents are people with their own lives. I don't expect them to drop everything for me, or give up their life for me or be round at the drop of a hat.

I'm not sure what to make of it @Mkxxx. A whole day of help is enormous.

What was wrong with you that meant you were too ill.to.look after the DC? There's a wealth of difference between being unavle to get out of bed a d feeling under the weather.

My DH couldn't always have taken time off work. When I had influenza he was in court, big case, DS was just under 2. We had to hire an emergency nanny for a week. 39 years ago, with agency fees and an increased premium because there was influenza in the house, it was £800. I literally could not get out of bed.

D&V, UTI, I had to get on with it.

Yes, he could.

I agree, mostly. And this is such a kind post. I had no family help at all, and I think as a result I'm struggling to imagine how the OP could be so sick that she needs her mum's help, but also not so sick that her husband isn't taking her to an urgent doc appt. But then, I'd want better for my own kids - which your post reminded me of.

But, then, I also wouldn't accept, or offer, a formal 8-5 childcare arrangement from, or for, anyone, and at the same time be beholden to a relational ideal where we help each other out as and when. I genuinely don't think you can have it both ways.

I do think @Mkxxx you are being unreasonable. From your posts, I get a sense of entitlement to your mum's time, which probably arises from your mum's generosity and the lovely relationship you seem to have with her. I get that it's hard, but if you messaged the night before, then you didn't know whether you'd be able to mind your kids or not. It was pre-emptive, and it's fine, in that case, for your mum to have said, sure, once I've been to the gym. Do you appreciate that? I'm not saying you're a brat, but I'm not wholly agreeing with you either.

I'm not sure what your definition of very unwell is, but if I were very unwell I would expect my partner to stay home to look after me and the kids.

I think your mother has made a judgement call on how ill you are and reckons that you'll manage until she can join you in the afternoon. If you ask her nicely, she might even cook for you.

Most people manage on their own with small children, but if you really think you cannot cope, ask a friend to step in. It shouldn't always be your mum.

Seems like a way for fathers to absolve themselves of parental responsibility at all costs.
Finding the nearest available female to step in rather than a father being slightly inconvenienced is beyond weird.

People say they wouldn't have "survived" but the truth is you would have as you would have no other option.
Yup. Sadly, I know this from personal experience. It comes at a cost - and I'd say I literally barely survived some of it - but people say this too lightly. D&V with a toddler doesn't scratch the surface of what you can survive if you have to.

But - I'd want better for my own kids. That's for certain.

Mumsnet is batshit on this stuff. I knew before reading replies that you’d be bollocked for expecting your mother to be supportive and your husband would be expected to drop everything because there is zero comprehension from many that not all people work in jobs where they can take a day off every time they need to. It’s really selfish of your mum to prioritise a gym session over her ill daughter and grandchild, I would cancel a gym session to help a friend out never mind my own child!

I voted yanbu. If that were one of my kids I’d be straight round with soup and my mum or mil would have done the same for me ( in fact they actually did do it because I was very unwell for a while in my 30s) . I understand you feeling hurt.