To not take child to party?

[Thirtygoesataname]

I have 3.5 year old boy girl twins. They go to nursery where all the children play together. A boy is having his 5th birthday and invited my daughter. I totally accept its his right to invite who he wants to his party. I also know my children are individuals and dont need to do everything together. However, they are still really young and wont really understand why one gets to go to softplay with children from nursery and not the other. They are also still at the stage of doing everything together and dont like to be apart for long. Im considering just declining the invite but I have always taken the view that if they get invited to a party they are going. I see so many parents sharing videos on social media of their children excited for their party then sitting there all sad because nobody turned up. It breaks my heart. Would I be unreasonable to decline this time to avoid hurting my little boy? There is no way my little girl wouldnt come back and talk about the party with the other children and being at softplay, nor should she have to. I appreciate this seems like a lot of fuss over nothing but I really dont know what to do for the best. There is no way I am going to message the other mum and ask if I can pay for my son to come, that just feels awkward and entitled.

I think 3 is too young to be teaching resilience, they won't understand the concept. Twins of that age should be treated equally, I think it's a bit thoughtless on the part of the party mum perhaps she hasn't realised they are twins, and I would ask if I could pay for him to go too. They will soon enough want their own individual friends and be willing if not happy for one or the other to go to a party.

It's a big thing for a small child to feel left out, it's bad enough when they don't get invited to another child's party when lots of other children they know do but when their twin does and they don't it's really hard.

Honestly I wouldn't have a Scooby Doo who are twins and who aren't at DS's nursery. The parent might not be clued in.

Do you give your daughter presents when it is the twins birthday? Or the twins when it is her birthday? Children have to learn that sometimes they do things separately. Imagine if 10 children are invited to a party and every family brings two more children.

I think in principle kids need to understand that they don't get invited all the Time, and that its healthy to have separate friends and do separate activities etc. But not sure that the 'your son will just need to understand that his sister gets to do separate stuff sometimes' understand that:

• they are 3.5. Their understanding is limited
• it's likely the same group of friends. If it was something like it was all girls or all boys that would be one thing and easier to explain that he wasn't invited to the girls party. But it's a mixed group. So no I wouldn't be wanting to explain to my 3.5 year old child, why his sister was going to play with his friends and he wasn't invited.

That are two individual people. Of course your daughter should go. The other child won’t be traumatized for life because of a party.

Ah so you've never met a 3 year old. Let alone a 3 year old twin.

In my limited experience, twins work quite hard not to be viewed as a job lot

Thanks for everyone's input. Im just not going to take her and will let the mum know, I just hope all the other kids invited do turn up! Just to clarify, I am aware they are seperate people with their own likes/dislikes etc. We do not treat them as a package. We have already started working on them doing their own thing e.g son goes to rugby and daughter does ballet. In this specific situation I dont think they have the emotional intelligence yet to understand why they both cant go to the party, nor are we in a rush to teach them this. Their will be lots of time in the future for them to discover that life isnt always fair. Once they go into P1 im sure there will be lots of situations like this and they can decide themselves if they go or not. Right now my daughter isnt aware of the invite so wont be upset about not going. The boy whose party it is is friends with both twins. I doubt the mum is aware they are twins to be fair and I dont want to put her on the spot by asking. This wouldnt upset me at all but you dont know about others and id rsther not create an awkward situation. Ok, think thats covered most points people raised. Thanks again.

I dont think anyone is suggesting this is a traumatic situation....

Just to clarify, I am referring to my twins, they share a birthday. No, the twins dont get presents when its their older siblings birthday.

That’s even worse! Oh no boy twin, you can’t sit with your friends or have cake or a party bag. When it’s another sibling fine, but not a twin with all his classmates! Also it will just look like she disagreed with the invite list

This. Which would you like to do? Just don't ask if the other twin can come. I don't think anyone is missing out on a massive opportunity if you decline because the kids are 3 and this will not be the last soft play party in my estimation. Are you planning for them to be in the same class at primary school?

@Thirtygoesataname My money is on them not knowing they are twins. Given they are Boy/Girl twins I bet they've just not noticed and asked nursery who their little boy plays with.

I'd just reply and say "Oh no, I'm sorry we can't make it I have no childcare for her twin" and I'd eat my hat if the parent didn't then say "Oh I didn't realise she was a twin, of course bring them!"

Nursery parties are never at capacity, it's not like the first year of school when you've got to invite 30!

OP isn’t even considering that option, she already said she wouldn’t do that

I think they're too young to be picking and choosing, I'm have invited both twins or neither. They are old enough to feel sad about missing out but not old enough to understand the why, when they see their sibling going and hear the discussions at nursery. So I'd decline and say you were busy. These life lessons will come when they are old enough to understand.

Is it at all possible that the Mum doesn't know they are twins? You know your children best, but I think letting your daughter attend the party and taking your son to the soft play might work? I'm presuming the party children will be mixed with the general public for play, and just go off for food. If your son will understand that he is eating separately from your daughter, but still gets to play, it could work? You might need to have a little something for him as she will have a party bag though. I do think 3.5 is too young for them to understand the concept of them being individuals to much of an extent.

Does the parent know there is a twin? (Remember that even if they knew that at some point in the past, if they don't know you well then they may have forgotten that little Bella is one of the twins.) If they just asked the birthday child to make a list, they might just not have thought about the twin issue.

At this time of year, there may well be some declines as people are on holiday, so it's possible there might be a second round of invites. Maybe respond saying "I think dropping Bella off is going to be too difficult with Billy in tow and not invited. I think we'd better decline, but if you turn out to have some negative replies, and have space for both of them, they would be able to come. I haven't mentioned it to Bella at the moment."

It's different when they get a bit older, however; you don't want them to end up never being invited because people feel they can't invite just one. There are bound to be some parties which are "all the boys" or "all the girls", so that will help them get used to the idea that they won't always get the same invites.
(I remember someone being thrilled when my mother asked if it was okay for my brother to invite just one of her triplet sons for a playdate; they got very few invites because most people felt they would have to invite all three.)

Sorry i was replying to someone else,.i should have quoted.

I don't have twins but we have many sets in our family and I actually agree with you. Yes, they are individuals but I think twins stay a unit longer than most siblings and their egos develop slower. By the time they go to school they are normally fine apart.
Only you know what is best.

I mentioned your twins! This is an analogy: if you don’t give the twins a present on your daughter’s birthday - this is something for her and not them. Ditto party invitation.

Most soft plays aren't exclusive booking. I'd message and say you're going to have to bring your son too and will pay for him to come in and distract when they go to the party room. Take a cupcake and a bag of tat for him for after and he probably won't even notice.
People needing to bring a sibling along is completely normal throughout infant school, the only time it's not ok is when you expect them to join the party and scarper leaving 2 kids instead of 1.

When a mum told me that for our soft play party I just added one on, it was super cheap per head once I'd paid the booking fee. There have been loads of siblings along at parties I've been to.

Sorry but I wouldn’t bother personally - the 5 yo whose party this is, I assume, is likely going to go to a new school in Sept and there is a full 1 or 2 academic year difference between them. They won’t be friends in any long term sense - nor are they now in any meaningful way given yours are only 3.5yo.

Just thank them but say you can’t make it and let it go. When they are older, in infant school themselves, and this happens again but with ‘real’ friends they’ve made they will be old enough to have it explained why one of them is not invited to a particular party.

Just not necessary to have to deal with this now, at this age, with this particular friend.

I don’t understand why the parents of the 5 year old would only invite one of the twins…at this age why wouldn’t they both be invited. Weird

Because it's unlikely the mum knows they are twins.
The party mum will have either asked the nursery for names of children her son plays with and may have even said can you choose the 8 friends he plays with the most. Or as he is turning 5 he is likely to have told his mum who he wants at his party. Again she might have said can you tell me 8 friends you would like to come. He's hardly likely to say oh there are twins but I have only named one. He's likely to only name the children he likes.

I'm all for encouraging twins to have separate friendships and agree they need to learn that sometimes one will be invited to do things the other one isn't, and that's ok. However, I also think 3.5 is too young for them to understand this. Once they're at school, it will be easier. Especially if you choose a school with 2 form entry and ask for them to be in different classes to encourage individuality and different friendships. It's so much easier to explain at 5, as they're so much more mature by then and beginning to understand more that they are individuals and can be friends with different people. At 3, I would politely decline.

Likelihood is, the other child's mum has just asked him to list friends he plays with and wishes to invite and is oblivious that your daughter is a twin. I'm guessing this child is leaving for school imminently (early September birthday, or August deferred entry from last year?) so it's unlikely the friendship will continue beyond the next few weeks. I'd decline and think nothing more of it. As I said, once they're in school I think it's perfectly acceptable to explain this concept to them, but 3 1/2 is still extremely young.