To not take child to party?

[Thirtygoesataname]

I have 3.5 year old boy girl twins. They go to nursery where all the children play together. A boy is having his 5th birthday and invited my daughter. I totally accept its his right to invite who he wants to his party. I also know my children are individuals and dont need to do everything together. However, they are still really young and wont really understand why one gets to go to softplay with children from nursery and not the other. They are also still at the stage of doing everything together and dont like to be apart for long. Im considering just declining the invite but I have always taken the view that if they get invited to a party they are going. I see so many parents sharing videos on social media of their children excited for their party then sitting there all sad because nobody turned up. It breaks my heart. Would I be unreasonable to decline this time to avoid hurting my little boy? There is no way my little girl wouldnt come back and talk about the party with the other children and being at softplay, nor should she have to. I appreciate this seems like a lot of fuss over nothing but I really dont know what to do for the best. There is no way I am going to message the other mum and ask if I can pay for my son to come, that just feels awkward and entitled.

The Op paying for her son is fine abd doesnt get rage on mumsnet
Its when people turn up at parties with extra siblings and ecpect them to be accomadated that gets rage.

I have girl twins, and I can really understand why this must be really hard. I’ve not been in this position before but is your little boy actually friends with the birthday boy?

If not, I’d explain it that way and either arrange a play date with a friend or do something nice but different with him like the cinema, etc?

I think the earlier twins deal with this, the better

hen sitting there all sad because nobody turned up. It breaks my heart.

you are very kind, but it's always OK to decline an invitation,
Not turning up means you said you would attend and you just don't show.

In that context, they are so little of course you can decline

They are also too little to understand that they could go to the softplay but stay away from the party. When they are older, you can just take a friend and keep them away, but at 3?

It could be and probably is a simple oversight. Message and ask if your son can come. Say you'll pay if necessary. I've had messages asking as much myself and I have sent similar messages. It's fairly common for siblings to attend even if they're not directly involved with the party.

they're 3 years old!

Too young for parents to drop and run, too young to understand that they can use the soft play but stay away from the party

Of course they are individuals and can be treated as such, but they are 3! Do you really expect a 3yo to stay on a seat for an hour while his sibling is having fun? That's mean

Absolutely go to the party. It’s a lovely opportunity for your dd. Where is their dad? Surely, he can take your ds out for the day to do something fun together. It’s nice for them to each get 1 to 1 time as they are more than just a unit. If you truly don’t have alternative childcare, then yes, I think you have to decline, but don’t do it because only one is invited. You will have a lifetime of this to handle, so might as well start now.

As a twin mum I understand where you're coming from, but honestly, take the opportunity to spend as much one on one time with separate twins. They so often end up.as "the twins" that they so often get ignored as individuals. And its lovely just to do something with one rather than two.

Did the invite get given in person or through the nursery? I am wondering if the mum even realises she is a twin or just asked her son / the nursery for names her child plays with.

I would 100% message and ask if you can bring both if you pay for one. Just explain it's too difficult with childcare otherwise as you would want to stay as they are so little.

I think at that age it's bizarre to only invite one, unless it was an all boy/all girl party.

A three year old will understand that he’s not invited to a party thrown by a friend of both of them?
I really doubt it.
I would decline.

You are putting your sons feelings of
missing out above your daughters feelings by making her miss out.

Drop DD, so something with DS for a few hours, collect DD and they both share their afternoons activities.

I have never seen a kids party where it was acceptable to "drop" a 3 yo and go do something else.

Parents are always expected to stay and manage their own child, it's a party, not free childcare

I’m surprised that a 5 yo is inviting someone 3.5 yo to their party. That’s quite a big developmental gap. I wouldn’t be worried about declining the invitation.

Do what you think is best, it ain't that deep!

The sooner they're treated as individuals the sooner they'll get used to it.

I have boy girl twins and the answer is to take the easy route. Take her, do a special treat with your son. Decline the invitation. Whichever gives you the less grief.

I think at this age they're too young to fully grasp it. If it was the same scenario at 4.5, I would say let one child go and do something special for the second. I would either ask the mum if you could pay for the other twin, or decline. Then start individual activities / conversations around this to slowly lay ground work for the future.

I say this as a twin mum - I think you need to ensure they have things to do which are separate from each other sometimes so this is a good opportunity. I think it can be really unhealthy to do everything together as they can become over-dependent on one another. I'd drop off the child with the invite and take time to do something nice with the other.

I have twins and a singleton. I have declined invitations because of the hurt this situation causes. At 3.5, it is very hard for them to understand. You can't avoid the twin who hasn't been invited hearing all about it and no matter what what anyone says, it hurts to be actively excluded. This is not the same as normal siblings who are a different age and different classes etc.

Even at age 11, this still causes a huge amount of upset where the friends are joint friends. On occasion, even now, one of my twins will choose to decline the invitation in order to avoid their twin being upset.

I think you should let your daughter go. Presumably she knows she has been invited? What will you say to her if you decline the invitation.
Your children are individuals and will have different friends. All you have go say to your son is that his sister is friends with the boy so he has invited her to his party. There might be an occasion where he is invited to a party and she isn't. You need to show them that that situation is normal.
You can also tell him that he and you will do something nice with him

It seems odd that the parents have invited one and not the other presumably they're in the same nursery group on the same days? So normally people tend to invite the whole group, unless it's a very big nursery?
Unless they have a very good reason not to want one of your kids there, it's rude to invite one twin and not the other at this age. Obviously when they're older/in different groups etc, that's different.
I'd just say sorry, until they're X age, it's too awkward to take one to a party and not the other. Happy to pay for Ashley, if it's cost that's the issue, but I'm not bringing Jordan unless Ashley can come too.

I have boy girl twins and logistically taking one not the other just doesn’t work. You can’t drop and go at that age … I’d decline the RSVP and explain to the mum that as they are twins and you can’t leave one at home and then unfortunately you can’t go. Maybe the parent doesn’t know they are twins?

Do you have to stay with your daughter at the party? If so, will you need to bring your son with you, so he will see his sister having fun at the party but not be able to join in?

I think if that's the case, I would decline the invitation.

However, if you can leave your son with his dad (who could take him to do an activity that he would enjoy), it should be OK for your daughter to attend.

I do think that it's a bit mean to invite just one of a set of twins when they both attend the same nursery. It's always going to be tricky and a bit awkward.

If it's soft play and they haven't hired it as a private hire then just pay for your son to go in. Buy him his own food. I'm not sure in the long run one sibling can miss out on things because the other wasn't included. That said ds1 had a friend who was a twin but the twin brothers weren't both in the same class through primary school. I always invited both to any party.

I used to get this a lot with my boy/girl twins.

What I used to do was take both of them along, plus one friend for the child who wasn't invited. Invited child ate at the party table, non invited child ate with me and her little friend. It worked really well. Try that, invite a playmate for your non invited child.

With twins I expect there will be lots of one doing this and the other doing something different.

Different friends, interests etc.

I'd just get on with it personally, some good advice on here already.