To not take child to party?

[Thirtygoesataname]

I have 3.5 year old boy girl twins. They go to nursery where all the children play together. A boy is having his 5th birthday and invited my daughter. I totally accept its his right to invite who he wants to his party. I also know my children are individuals and dont need to do everything together. However, they are still really young and wont really understand why one gets to go to softplay with children from nursery and not the other. They are also still at the stage of doing everything together and dont like to be apart for long. Im considering just declining the invite but I have always taken the view that if they get invited to a party they are going. I see so many parents sharing videos on social media of their children excited for their party then sitting there all sad because nobody turned up. It breaks my heart. Would I be unreasonable to decline this time to avoid hurting my little boy? There is no way my little girl wouldnt come back and talk about the party with the other children and being at softplay, nor should she have to. I appreciate this seems like a lot of fuss over nothing but I really dont know what to do for the best. There is no way I am going to message the other mum and ask if I can pay for my son to come, that just feels awkward and entitled.

You’re totally over thinking this
it’s fine that one child goes and not the other

They are too young to understand anything other than that this feels so unfair to them. I would definitely decline.

You can't take away an opportunity for your daughter to protect your son.

I'd take her and then have some special mummy/son time.

It's honestly no hig deal.

Can you take your son to soft play too ?although I get it is difficult, if you don't have anybody watch your son so you can drop off your daughter then maybe decline, you have a year or so before school to teach about separate friends.

I’ve had siblings bought to soft play parties and not even been asked. It didn’t bother me, they just don’t go in the party room you can either buy them food if they just carry on playing

This why on earth do you think they have to be glued together

Because they're 3.5 year old twins. Are people not realising that when they answer this?

aw this is not fair on your daughter - or her friend - it has to start somewhere!

I know it's completely forbidden on mumsnet but I feel in the normal world you could message the mum, explain they are twins and ask if you can pay for extra twin to attend - I am not sure quite why this gets so much rage on mumsnet but if someone asked me as a parent (and I've been through all this for years with older kids now) - I would consider it perfectly polite and normal question.

You can preface it saying 'absolutely fine if you can't add more kids please do just say no'.

however. I also think your child will understand! you start to say 'x is invited to a party/playdate/ we do something else.

I have been there with younger sibling in tears when older family friend invites their big brother etc and they do'nt understand but I feel this is just part of life.

As a twin please don't treat them as a package. Your son is perfectly capable of understanding his sister did something and he didn't and there will be many times he gets to do something and she doesn't.

It's also lovely that they get 1-1 time with both a parent and their peers.

Its fine to decline invitations if they are inconvenient. Whats not on is not turning up after saying you would attend, or not replying at all.

At 3.5 I would decline.
That child is unlikely to be a friend for long so not worth the upset.

I wouldn't ask for him to join the party that isn't fair either, if they wanted him to come they would have invited him.

Absolutely saw that
it’s still ok IMO
siblings / twins etc are allowed to be treated and should be treated as individuals
any upset (if there is) will be fleeing and forgotten about as well
no need to make a big deal out of it

You're not doing your children any favours by not teaching them resilience.

It's better they learn from a young age that they will have different friends and interests and activities.

Take your son to do something else fun.

Of course people are.

But they are individuals. Do you not realise that?

So what?

Do you have a partner/family member that can do something else with the uninvited twin?

The thing is once they start school this will happen more often if they are in different classes or if people don't do class parties and the children only play with one.
There is a boy/girl twins and girl/girl twins in my daughter's year. My daughter only played with the girls so boy twin has never been invited to her parties.

It's soft play. Take one for the party and pay entrance for the other one. I always paid for my other child if one had a soft play party.

at 3.5 it wouldn't have been fleeting.

When DH left with one twin, twin with me would have been upset (actually they both would have), and would have spent the whole time apart asking when twin would be back. Then other twin comes home with a party bag, and the toys hang round for days, so it would have started the whole thing off again.

and for what? two hours at soft play and some cold pizza.

maybe your twins would be totally ok but I know mine wouldn't and op does too.

the main thing op is to decide and let her knowm. the issue is when people just don't respond. cite childcare issues for son if you want to avoid an awkward convo

Does your son consider birthday child to be his friend as well? If he does I would either ask if he can come (do you know the parents well? They may not realise dd has a twin, at nursery I wouldn't have had a clue because drop offs weren't synchronised like at school) or decline as at 3.5 they are old enough to feel left out but not really to understand why.

Especially at such a young age it's pretty normal for parents to reach out and ask if a sibling can join in. Even more so with twins. It got to the point where I used to just proactively say on the invite siblings were welcome but just let me know first for numbers.

Just ask.

At that age, I wouldn't even tell my child they'd been invited to a party if I didn't want to (or couldn't) take them. If they prefer playing together your DD probably wouldn't enjoy it as much anyway without your DS, so it's not really like you'd be 'taking an opportunity away from her'. It's also not a friendship that needs nurturing if the boy is turning 5 and is presumably off to school soon. So I think it's fine not to go - there's plenty of time later for them to develop separate friendships. And I hate the 'they have to start developing resilience/learn to deal with disappointment' arguments - little children get multiple opportunities to do that pretty much every day, they don't need extra ones.

It could be a mistake. I'd never invite one 3 yo twin and not the other. Maybe reply saying sorry, girl can't make it, she and her twin don't like being separated just yet.

I think some PPs are not twin parents! 3 is too little for explaining all this, I wouldn’t go. I would add that my two often did things separately at that age no problems. Don’t stress about what happens at school… they’ll be at least 14 months older and better able to understand

I think this is definitely the best approach.