Childcare for nephew

[Childcarehelpneeded]

My sister has recently moved house and now lives close to us. She has a son who is 9. My nephew finished the school year at his old school but will be moving to our local primary school that is a 10 minute walk from where live from September for year 5.

My sister works Monday-Thursday, leaving the house at 8am and getting home at 6pm. Her plan was to use before and after school clubs or a childminder for my nephew. She has enquired about them but breakfast club only has space on Mondays and the after school club is full. She says there are only a few childminders that cover our village annd primary school and they are all fully booked.

She has asked if our our nephew can come to our house before school on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday mornings from 8am and after school each day Monday-Thursday, until she gets home at 6pm. He will be walking to and from school himself so we wouldn’t need to actually take him.

We don’t want to commit to doing this. We only have our youngest child at home full time as she is at college and is mostly independent. Our older children are away at university in term time. We both work from home, although I only work 3 days, but often we don’t have to start work til 10am. We sometimes have a lie in and a lazy start to the day and then we work til 6pm ish.

My sister doesn’t feel my nephew is responsible enough to leave the house on time to get himself to school, lock up and be at home for 2 hours by himself after school, which I agree with. She seems to think that as we don’t have to actually take him to school or pick him up, that this is no bother to us at all. I know in reality that won’t be the case as we will have to be up in the morning with him and obviously we wouldn’t ignore him after school. He’ll want to chat, play, have food etc and we need to be working. She says he can watch tv or go on his iPad but inevitably, it will disturb our work and our life.

I have said that this doesn’t work for us, but have offered to do 1 day if she can sort out the other days. I was a SAHM when our children were young so I didn’t have to worry about childcare and don’t know what other options there are. Are there any obvious options we are missing? We don’t have any other family locally and all her friends work full time so have their own childcare to sort out. Her ex is a waste of space and doesn’t see my nephew regularly.

Do childminder spaces become available regularly? The school have said it’s unlikely a space will open up at breakfast club and after school club as they have a long waiting list.

After years of raising our own children, we thought we were free of this and I can’t help but feel annoyed at being made to feel like we have to help. AIBU? Any advice about other childcare options welcome. Thank you.

Yanbu. I would ask her to ask online about babysitters who could cover it. No way would I give up my mornings & evenings if I no longer had any dependents myself.

This.

Say you are both working, have other commitments and are unable to assist.

Did she move closer to you, in order to use you as childcare?

first post nails it. Did she not look into this stuff before she moved?

....and the "be kind" squad have already arrived.

Sis needs to get him on every waiting list going, flex her hours for a bit and maybe use some leave to cover the gap. Or could she ask to do 5 shorter days temporarily until places are available?

If there was evidence she was moving her hours round and on waiting lists I'd maybe offer to do the 3 mornings until clubs were sorted. But if not I wouldn't get into it because it could easily go on forever when she realises it's much cheaper to beg free labour off your family!

That’s an awful lot to ask of you and also, what about when he’s too sick for school, inset days, school holidays etc? I’m guessing you’d be expected to step up then as well!
She chose to move away from the grandparents, so she needs to sort her childcare out herself.
You've offered one day a week and I think that’s fine, plus you’re actually supposed to be working!
She’ll have to speak to her employers to try to tweek her hours.

This is not a you problem, this is a her problem.

Does the after schhol club/breakfast club have spacevon a Friday? Lots of people have Friday as there day off. Maybe she could change hers? That would cover another day.

I think you role as being local could be to ask around your networks (friends of your children or their parents) to ask if there are any young people (someone on a gap year?) who is looking for a part time babysitting job.

Self sacrifice is not what this is. Hyperbole from someone who has taken this comment personally I think.

It’s a choice and the op has it. The op also asked on AIBU. You understand how that works right?

I would keep it as an absolute red line that you can't look after him on days you are working.

I think many of the people who comment that you are selfish OP are people who still have small DC. It is so much easier to add in another child when you are already doing childcare for your own DC. However, when your DC move on to college and you change your lifestyle, it is way too much of an ask to commit to formal childcare.

My Dsis and I helped each other a lot when our DC were young but now that we have college age DC we do not offer the same level of help to our younger Dsis who has very young DC. We have both moved on to either more responsible careers or to additional hobbies now that the daily school run is over.

Stick to your guns OP. And for all the ‘village’ people ( see what I did!) on here - where do men come in to this? Why is it up to 2 women to solve childcare?

Oh I’m one of the few who would do it, but Ive been a working mum and know how tough juggling it all is, I also got school holidays off and took nieces part of week as Sister in law worked full time so maybe I’m biased but I enjoyed having them.
In morning I would just stick on tv or iPad could you leave out a snack and do same evening I doubt he’d want much chat, doesn’t sound much really and places might open up at clubs so wouldn’t be be forever.

It's absolutely ridiculous of her to expect you to allow your nephew to come to your house while you're working. She wouldn't dream of telling him to show up at your office until she could collect him three hours later, just bc you WFH doesn't make it any different. You're at work until 6pm therefore you're not available to provide childcare. The destination of your work is irrelevant. Say no and stick to it.

It's disrespectful of your sister to ask something so huge, especially as it's left you feeling guilty and like it's your problem to solve when it isn't, it's hers. Why are you being asked to disrupt your working day to fix her poor planning? She should be speaking to her boss and coming up with a new work schedule. Has she changed her place of work to suit the move? What's her plan for school holidays, as others have said? What if you want a term-time getaway?

YANBU. Say no and don't relent, it sounds like you'd be roped in for at least two years of childcare if you give her an inch.

“Oh I’m one of the few who would do it, but Ive been a working mum and know how tough juggling it all is”

Yeah join the club! I imagine many of us who have said Yanbu and that she shouldn’t do it are also working mums (or have been) trying to juggle it all.
For precisely that reason, she shouldn’t be pressured into doing it again after finally getting a bit of freedom back after doing it for her own kids for so long.

At least have the decency to read the op’s posts! The nephew is not the kind of kid that sits still and is into everything and talking and wanting to have someone to talk at 24/7 as well as not being able to be left on his own with the dogs or anything else!

Speaking as a childminder I've always found that school aged children stay with me for the duration of their time at primary school so spaces don't come up until a child leaves year 6. She could ask childminders to hold onto her number in case they do have a space come free. Also, if she decides to let him be home alone after school, she may find that school won't let him leave by himself. Our school don't allow it until Year 6.

I would do it for my sister but not everyone is the same. I'm stuck in September on how to get my two primary school aged kids to my parents on a Thursday afternoon my sister doesn't work a Thursday and I have thought of asking her but I know the answer will be a 'no' doesn't annoy me because her kids are all up so I get it but I would do it without a second thought but everyone is different so that has to be respected

Tbf OP says she was a SAHM, so she wasn't trying to juggle it all when her kids were young...

If the nephew is well behaved I'd do this for my sister on the understanding I might want to go on holding term time and she'd have to sort that week and she continues to look for a child minder. I'd do it until she finds one. Your nephew can watch TV after school and bring a snack with him until she collects him. Your sister probably hates asking you but can't find other options ATM. I'd always help out my family if at all possible because I know they are always there for me.

You're saying you took your nieces on your days off. OP is being asked to have him during her own office hours, week in week out. That is a very different prospect. Especially as it's a straight 1:1, her sister is asking her to take him during OP's own hours so that she herself can work.

I havnt an opinion of what the poster should do….however it seems to be the mumsnet answer to all these problems that someone ‘should just change their working hours’
Dont people realise that just isn’t possible in most cases?
It’s an unknown concept that people just can’t pick and choose when theyll work…we don’t all work from home, make up time in the evenings, stay in to collect the Amazon deliveries, take the dog out in our lunch hour, have the kids running around our feet when we’re supposed to be concentrating on the job that pays our salary.

She decided to move and not think through and plan future childcare thats her problem not yours. When I looked at schools for my kids I checked out the wrap around care.
i have how everyone have to become a “village” for people who dont think through their plans.

She has a child. Before moving schools you have to plan your future childcare during your work hours or change work hours or change job. The poster doesnt have to suddenly provide childcare 4 days a week

It is a big ask and of course you can say no but personally I would do it for my sister, in fact I did it for my friend for several years with her son and daughter.

That last line sounds like a judgement. Maybe as a single mum she doesn’t have the same choice as you do to be a SAHM or work flexibly.

I’d do this in a heartbeat for my sister. She was also a single mum. Although I lived too far away to do anything regularly, my nephew stayed with us for some of the school holidays. The difference is, I like my sister. If she had come round at pick up and wanted to stay for dinner, I’d be fine with it. In fact, I’d offer it so she didn’t have to cook after getting home so late.

But, as you don’t seem to have much of a relationship with her, you should say no to all of it, not even one day.

This x 1000