Childcare for nephew

[Childcarehelpneeded]

My sister has recently moved house and now lives close to us. She has a son who is 9. My nephew finished the school year at his old school but will be moving to our local primary school that is a 10 minute walk from where live from September for year 5.

My sister works Monday-Thursday, leaving the house at 8am and getting home at 6pm. Her plan was to use before and after school clubs or a childminder for my nephew. She has enquired about them but breakfast club only has space on Mondays and the after school club is full. She says there are only a few childminders that cover our village annd primary school and they are all fully booked.

She has asked if our our nephew can come to our house before school on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday mornings from 8am and after school each day Monday-Thursday, until she gets home at 6pm. He will be walking to and from school himself so we wouldn’t need to actually take him.

We don’t want to commit to doing this. We only have our youngest child at home full time as she is at college and is mostly independent. Our older children are away at university in term time. We both work from home, although I only work 3 days, but often we don’t have to start work til 10am. We sometimes have a lie in and a lazy start to the day and then we work til 6pm ish.

My sister doesn’t feel my nephew is responsible enough to leave the house on time to get himself to school, lock up and be at home for 2 hours by himself after school, which I agree with. She seems to think that as we don’t have to actually take him to school or pick him up, that this is no bother to us at all. I know in reality that won’t be the case as we will have to be up in the morning with him and obviously we wouldn’t ignore him after school. He’ll want to chat, play, have food etc and we need to be working. She says he can watch tv or go on his iPad but inevitably, it will disturb our work and our life.

I have said that this doesn’t work for us, but have offered to do 1 day if she can sort out the other days. I was a SAHM when our children were young so I didn’t have to worry about childcare and don’t know what other options there are. Are there any obvious options we are missing? We don’t have any other family locally and all her friends work full time so have their own childcare to sort out. Her ex is a waste of space and doesn’t see my nephew regularly.

Do childminder spaces become available regularly? The school have said it’s unlikely a space will open up at breakfast club and after school club as they have a long waiting list.

After years of raising our own children, we thought we were free of this and I can’t help but feel annoyed at being made to feel like we have to help. AIBU? Any advice about other childcare options welcome. Thank you.

My youngest would watch him if she was here but it doesn’t really work around college. Most days she isn’t home until 5.30pm.

I will speak to her about babysitters, maybe advertising if a student could do it (not sure of the legalities of that or if my sister would be comfortable), maybe changing her hours.

We would do every day temporarily but I’m worried that a childminder place or other alternative won’t be found and don’t want to do it longer term. The school seem sure that he won’t get a place and childminders didn’t sound hopeful of a place becoming available.

Tbh it doesn't really sound like much of an undertaking for you to be up at 8am to let him potter around by himself. The novelty will soon wear off and he won't want to be chatting and playing every day, just set him up on the sofa with a bowl of cereal and leave him to it?

You obviously see it as a huge inconvenience, if you can't get past that in the interests of helping your sister then that's your prerogative but as a PP says, so much for it takes a village hey 🤔

I would help where I could, without impacting myself much. Therefore I’d let my nephew come to mine after school, and watch TV downstairs whilst I was working upstairs. Especially if it was planned to be temporary, whilst searching for an alternative option.

The mornings are different. You have later starts, so it would be disruptive. They’ll need to sort drop offs by changing their working hours, until a solution comes available.

We would do every day temporarily but I’m worried that a childminder place or other alternative won’t be found and don’t want to do it longer term

If you start it you can be sure she won’t ditch free family childcare for a paid option.

It’s too big an ask, you’re fine declining.

For the “it takes a village” lot, it does take a village, one you often need to make for yourself, it doesn’t mean dumping your responsibilities onto one female relative who is meant to be working. Being part of a village means giving and not just taking.

He will require looking after though. He is a chatty and active 9 year old who isn’t going to just sit quietly on an iPad for almost 3 hours after school. We will have to change our day to be up earlier than we usually are.

Until this time last year we were still taking our youngest to and from school every day and we have enjoyed having more freedom with our daughter making her own way to college. I do help my sister but I don’t want to commit to childcare 4 days a week.

You obviously think you’re really kind but your comment shows you are not. I’m not being horrible, I’m trying to help my sister find a solution that suits everyone.

We wouldn’t stay in bed til 8am knowing he was arriving at 8am. We have pets who are used to getting attention as soon as we get up and I’d like to be showered, dressed and have had a coffee by the time I’m dealing with a child, so realistically we would be up much earlier. He is a very ‘lively’ child so he would be chatting and playing every day. We would also have to watch him around our dogs so it’s not just a case of leaving him to it.

Yes it is a huge inconvenience to get up much earlier, change our routine and try to work with a 9 year old in the house who will want to talk and play, 4 days a week. We have raised out children and as much as we have enjoyed it, we were looking forward to a different life now.

Would your college aged daughter be willing \ able to do some baby sitting for cash and cover some of it? Might be a mutually beneficial solution.

Oh I’d do this for my sister - you could give him a key to let himself in the morning. Tell him where the cereals are and milk and to help himself then to let himself out the door. You could get a key box?

then to let himself in - you could easily say hi have some food set up or ask your sister to send some food for him everyday to have after school. I think it’ll be fine.

So many people pleasers and doormats on here.

Would I do it? No. End of discussion just bloody no. Why on earth should you after all them years parenting and being up early etc etc now have to do it all again for someone elses child when you are just finding your own easier path? Very unfair to you. You have done your time as it were and if you do not need to be up and starting work till 10am then good for you and do not let anyone tell you that is selfish because what is selfish is someone asking you to get up a few hours earlier to deal with their kid and same after school too when you yourself are working and have earned your extra hour or two in bed of a morning. Absolutely taking the piss. Did your sister help you in any way with your kids growing up? I suspect not and you just got on with things yourself. I am a single parent too and still would find an alternative than putting upon someone who has earned their own non child time. Entitlement is at an all time high these days.

It's a big ask and I wouldn't want to do it - but having said that, is it for one school year until he goes to secondary?

I suppose what I'm saying is that I'd probably do it just for one school year with the proviso that if I go on holiday/a mini break during term time, she'll have to make other arrangements. Same with school holidays, you won't be looking after him all day at half-term, for example. Is his Dad involved?

Edit to clarify that I'm not suggesting that you "should" do this, I'm saying that I personally would do it for one school year, assuming that he'll be leaving earlier and returning later for secondary.

I would not want him having a key to our house. My sister doesn’t trust him with a key to his own house so that isn’t happening. He really isn’t the sort of child that you can just leave to get on with things. He’s very active, talks a lot, messes in things. We couldn’t trust him to be left around the dogs, he puts things down and can’t remember where, it really wouldn’t be easy.

The ex should step up. It's awful. What a shame for the boy, that he's seen as such a problem.
Perhaps your sister could be doing more to get ex to help or his parents and family.
Dosent the exes mother or other family not live nearby and want to help?
All this family breakdown and people not being interested in children they've bought into this world is sad.

Sorry, I misread and he's only going into Year 5. So he needs care for two years. Ugh. Now I'm not sure what to say!

“We have raised out children and as much as we have enjoyed it, we were looking forward to a different life now.“

Stick to your plans. Say no, and don’t be guilted into it. You know it will be disruptive for you and result in resentment, so just don’t do it.

I don’t think I would do it.

Were there any conversations between your sister and you before the move as it’s quite a big deal to move your child’s school- is it a ‘flee’ to get away or was it thought out (apart from childcare bit)

i think if you say you’ll help all week to begin with then youll be doing it forever whilst he is at a school. You will find she’ll say ‘oh he’s no problem’ or ‘it’s worked so well’ or ‘he really really enjoys spending time with you’ it would then be even harder.

Tell her you’ll do 1 day a week maybe? Tell her your work hours are altered. Tell her you just don’t want to!

As a mom having to work my entire life and work life around my dc’s needs I would NEVER expect anyone - family or whoever to help it’s MY responsibility to find childcare or alter my hours or even change my job.

YANBU

He is only just going into year 5 so he has 2 years left at primary, which if we take on and she doesn’t find an alternative, could mean us doing 4 days a week for 2 years. That’s if she trusts him to lock up and be left for hours in year 7. Hopefully he’ll have grown up a lot by then.

You are working. You can't look after your nephew when you're working.

I've always worked from home at least 2-3 days a week (writer). I've found that family need clearly telling that just because you're WFH and have a flexible schedule, it is still work.

If you and your DH were in an office 10-6pm (quite reasonable hours) she wouldn't be asking you.

Her ex is useless, but tbf, my sister moved away from him and his family when they split up. His parents do have my nephew for some of the holidays and ex sees him then. His parents would like to be more involved like they used to be but it was her decision to move away.

When her and ex split, she did move to get away from him, but she was still about 15 miles from us. The latest move nearer to us was just because she liked the area and means my nephew will hopefully get in a better secondary school. I think she genuinely thought she would find childcare without a problem but unfortunately it hasn’t worked out that way.

I’ve said I’ll do 1 day a week, morning and after school, he can go to breakfast club 1 morning as they have a space but it’s what to do the other 2 mornings and 3 days afterschool.

I disagree with this in lots of ways but also feel like you might not know many nine-year-old boys if you would suggest giving them a bowl of cereal on the sofa shudder

I don’t think 9 year olds are counted in the numbers of children a childminder can have so is it just a case of finding one who is prepared to take on an extra child?

And what’s all this business of feeding him too? He won’t want to go without food until 6pm, is she expecting you to feed him?

What was she offering to pay for the approx 15 hours childcare plus breakfast and snacks?

Worst case scenario, she could become a childminder. I’ve seen that happen twice!

😂 I did think that. There would be no milk, it would be dry cereal if it was my nephew eating cereal on our sofas, and even then, I’d be needing to clean up with him.

Many schools do not allow children to leave on their own until in year 6. There is a reason for this.

I’m not sure on ratios. She just said none had any spaces.

He would definitely want food. We don’t eat dinner til about 7pm usually but I have visions of my sister turning up to pick him up at 6pm ish and inevitably staying to chat and have a cup of tea and either they’re having dinner with us or we’ll be eating later. We just don’t want it.

No payment offered, not that I would accept.

She wouldn’t want to gibe up her career to be a childminder. 😬