Childcare for nephew

[Childcarehelpneeded]

My sister has recently moved house and now lives close to us. She has a son who is 9. My nephew finished the school year at his old school but will be moving to our local primary school that is a 10 minute walk from where live from September for year 5.

My sister works Monday-Thursday, leaving the house at 8am and getting home at 6pm. Her plan was to use before and after school clubs or a childminder for my nephew. She has enquired about them but breakfast club only has space on Mondays and the after school club is full. She says there are only a few childminders that cover our village annd primary school and they are all fully booked.

She has asked if our our nephew can come to our house before school on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday mornings from 8am and after school each day Monday-Thursday, until she gets home at 6pm. He will be walking to and from school himself so we wouldn’t need to actually take him.

We don’t want to commit to doing this. We only have our youngest child at home full time as she is at college and is mostly independent. Our older children are away at university in term time. We both work from home, although I only work 3 days, but often we don’t have to start work til 10am. We sometimes have a lie in and a lazy start to the day and then we work til 6pm ish.

My sister doesn’t feel my nephew is responsible enough to leave the house on time to get himself to school, lock up and be at home for 2 hours by himself after school, which I agree with. She seems to think that as we don’t have to actually take him to school or pick him up, that this is no bother to us at all. I know in reality that won’t be the case as we will have to be up in the morning with him and obviously we wouldn’t ignore him after school. He’ll want to chat, play, have food etc and we need to be working. She says he can watch tv or go on his iPad but inevitably, it will disturb our work and our life.

I have said that this doesn’t work for us, but have offered to do 1 day if she can sort out the other days. I was a SAHM when our children were young so I didn’t have to worry about childcare and don’t know what other options there are. Are there any obvious options we are missing? We don’t have any other family locally and all her friends work full time so have their own childcare to sort out. Her ex is a waste of space and doesn’t see my nephew regularly.

Do childminder spaces become available regularly? The school have said it’s unlikely a space will open up at breakfast club and after school club as they have a long waiting list.

After years of raising our own children, we thought we were free of this and I can’t help but feel annoyed at being made to feel like we have to help. AIBU? Any advice about other childcare options welcome. Thank you.

That’s really unfair. The OP wfh. How is she supposed to look after a lively 9 year old whilst working? And what is his mum proposing during holiday time? Why should she get up super early to look after him? She’s done her time raising dc.

In your position, @Childcarehelpneeded I wouldn’t offer even one day, or she’ll assume you can do more and I guarantee she’ll try to land you with sick days/INSET days and whatever else comes up. She’s moved away from the ex’s family who were helping, can she move back?

Sounds like she moved nearer but originally he stayed on at his previous school, is that still doable? I mean obviously she was able to manage drop offs and pickups from that school without your involvement.

What is he doing all day every day for the 6 weeks holiday now?

My mum in her 70s did this for us to save ds going to before school club.BUT she offered and that is the point.Stick to your guns.

YANBU at all. She sees you as an easy solution and ignores the fact that what she is asking is making you alter your work patterns, your sleep patterns, your ability to arrange anything on these days. She is asking you to put your job at risk as your employer might take a dim view if he interrupts calls etc. She is not allowing for the fact that your employer might mandate a return to office work. In other words you are carrying all the risk and responsibility to let her have the ability to just sail off to her job.
I think you have been generous to offer one day. I would not be doing any more.
She should be requesting flexible working and WFH. If she can’t have that she should be putting another adult in her house to be the presence there for mornings and after school, for holidays, for when he is sick, for inset days, for snow closure, heat closure. I think this is called a nanny.
And after school clubs are there to develop children’s interests not be free or inexpensive childcare.

I’ve voted YABU because I’m in the “I’d do it for my sister” camp, but I also think YANBU if you don’t have that kind of relationship with your sister. Maybe a trial period to see how much trouble he really is for you?

The op is asking for opinions.

Its not sainted to go above and beyond for family just like its not unreasonable to set boundaries.

This thread has made me grateful for my family if I’m honest. My home is closer for DN. He knows he can come here if a bus is missed or he’s made plans to stay in town.

Four days a week is insane. I hope she is v grateful for the one day.

As a recent empty-nester, no way would I want to do this stuff again. Aside from the practical issues, there is a psychological responsibility to having a young kid around that I would not want. And if you suddenly wanted a day off out, what then?

A flexible last-minute option is very different to planned four days a week, twice a day childcare.

One day is nice and fair but otherwise you are working

she needs to work from home or change her hours or find childcare. Even if a nanny to her home

I don’t see how this has become your problem. Ideologically, it would annoy me that you’re making up the slack for his deadbeat dad.

Funnily enough this was a plan when my younger dn was going to move schools. It would most definitely have suited my lifestyle more than the ops but my point was it doesn’t make you a saint just because you don’t assume ds is a CF and you’re a saint if you happily would do it.

I think the op could perhaps be more open to doing it but at the end of the day it’s her choice. But why ask on here if it’s such a no brainer?

That is fine i am sure the op likes her Nephew and Sister, and would help out now and again like you, but this is a regular arrangement the sister is after and this is what is unfair, the op also works but because it is from home her sister doesn't seem to have considered this, the Op would be stuck in term time baby sitting, there is nothing wrong in not wanting to be committed to this.

Working from home is still working. You can't focus on work AND be in charge of a small child.

Another self appointed sainted angel who has decided that they themselves would self sacrifice if it made them miserable, so OP should too.

But she's not going to, thankfully.

Posters on this thread who are saying it’s not a big deal - have they missed the facts that 1. OP also works and 2. Her nephew is a lively, chatty child who won’t sit quietly in front of a screen?

@Childcarehelpneeded can any of your sister’s job be done wfh? If not, has she looked for a more local, flexible job? Could she go part time or put in a request for flexible working arrangements? It’s very unfair to expect you to make changes to your working arrangements if she hasn’t tried to do the same!

I think you are kind to offer one day a week of childcare but you do need to be crystal clear that is all you are prepared to do.

This.

at 9? I don't know any kids that did it from 9 years old.

Everyone who says she should do it are missing the point that she works!!! Your sister should have checked out childcare before she moved not after! One day a week is reasonable and good of you. She needs to sort out the rest herself! All those saying they would do it for their sister probably don't work from home nor have kids! They can offer themselves if they feel like it🙄

This thread has made me grateful for my family if I’m honest. My home is closer for DN. He knows he can come here if a bus is missed or he’s made plans to stay in town.

I have a tribe of neices and nephews. If they can get here themselves, they are always welcome. They come for tea, sleepovers, the older ones arrange it themselves nowadays, a child/teen will pop up out of nowhere almost daily now it is the holidays.
I still won't commit to a school run or 'childcare' during the holidays. For the first time in a long time we can concentrate on our own jobs and timetable having dedicated ourselves to school runs and childcare for 18 years.

I am also grateful for my huge, chaotic family and that when I say no, they listen and understand.

Perfect for you and the cheeky fucker sister - and the absolute total opposite for the OP.

@Childcarehelpneeded

Who is looking after your nephew for the 6 weeks summer?
What did your sister say when you said no?
What would happen for insets, holidays, when you or he is ill?

This "village" has to be made up of willing participants.
She doesn't get to recruit anyone and everyone & then get the arse on when people say no. It doesn't work like that.

I've done it for my sister. If it was me I'd offer to do it temporarily if she had your nephews name on waiting lists for all the child minders/ wrap around care/ after school clubs that were available in the area. I'd also expect her to take any additional slots as and when they became available.

I'd also expect her to check with her employer to see if they can offer any flexibility. Even if it just meant she'd be dropping him off later or collecting him earlier.

I'd also be clear that you're likely to holiday during term time so she'll need to find cover for that, but give her notice of up coming holidays.

This is on the basis that she genuinely had plans for childcare that fell through and is desperate.

Yanbu. It’s a massive ask.

If you didn’t live nearby or you had jobs that meant you had to leave the house for 8am and didn’t get home until 5.30 then she’d have to find a solution.