Childcare for nephew

[Childcarehelpneeded]

My sister has recently moved house and now lives close to us. She has a son who is 9. My nephew finished the school year at his old school but will be moving to our local primary school that is a 10 minute walk from where live from September for year 5.

My sister works Monday-Thursday, leaving the house at 8am and getting home at 6pm. Her plan was to use before and after school clubs or a childminder for my nephew. She has enquired about them but breakfast club only has space on Mondays and the after school club is full. She says there are only a few childminders that cover our village annd primary school and they are all fully booked.

She has asked if our our nephew can come to our house before school on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday mornings from 8am and after school each day Monday-Thursday, until she gets home at 6pm. He will be walking to and from school himself so we wouldn’t need to actually take him.

We don’t want to commit to doing this. We only have our youngest child at home full time as she is at college and is mostly independent. Our older children are away at university in term time. We both work from home, although I only work 3 days, but often we don’t have to start work til 10am. We sometimes have a lie in and a lazy start to the day and then we work til 6pm ish.

My sister doesn’t feel my nephew is responsible enough to leave the house on time to get himself to school, lock up and be at home for 2 hours by himself after school, which I agree with. She seems to think that as we don’t have to actually take him to school or pick him up, that this is no bother to us at all. I know in reality that won’t be the case as we will have to be up in the morning with him and obviously we wouldn’t ignore him after school. He’ll want to chat, play, have food etc and we need to be working. She says he can watch tv or go on his iPad but inevitably, it will disturb our work and our life.

I have said that this doesn’t work for us, but have offered to do 1 day if she can sort out the other days. I was a SAHM when our children were young so I didn’t have to worry about childcare and don’t know what other options there are. Are there any obvious options we are missing? We don’t have any other family locally and all her friends work full time so have their own childcare to sort out. Her ex is a waste of space and doesn’t see my nephew regularly.

Do childminder spaces become available regularly? The school have said it’s unlikely a space will open up at breakfast club and after school club as they have a long waiting list.

After years of raising our own children, we thought we were free of this and I can’t help but feel annoyed at being made to feel like we have to help. AIBU? Any advice about other childcare options welcome. Thank you.

The people who are saying it's not much to ask aren't really thinking it through.

It's having to get up, dressed and ready for his arrival.
It's having to take a break from work to fetch him, and the op says he isn't a leave to play child.
It's not being able to go on term time holidays, or suddenly needing to go into the office, or not take that appointment that came up at the end of the day...

But also there's the potential for so much more.
He's ill. Well you work with him at home after school, so I've brought him round to spend the day with you, or school has phoned, can you pick him up?
And inset days and holidays, or half days... because you can work with him there....

I don't think the sister has moved with the thought of free childcare, but I suspect she hasn't been quite as proactive looking fir it because she's felt that is a good ( and free) back up to fall back on.

Op I'd make it clear that you will be occasional back up, but nothing regular. Amd if she asks more often than reasonable in the first term find solid reasons ( like needing to be in the office) that you cannot. That way she doesn't fall back into thinking you are always available.

I don’t think you’re being particularly unreasonable, you’ve offered to cover one day, it’s up to you how much support/help you offer your sister & if what she’s asked for is too much then it’s too much.

I’d would like to put a scenario forward to you. You have three children, let’s say two of them are girls, in 15 years time they live in the same village (you’re not anywhere near them) one of your daughters has a child and she needs help with childcare (similar situation to what your sister needs now) maybe her partner left or circumstances around childcare changed, your other daughter is able to help but put forward the same argument that you are doing now, how does that make you feel? Is it sadness that in one daughter’s time of need the other wants a lie in?

I hate it when family/friends put people in this position.

Of course you’re not unreasonable to say no, she’s a CF who shouldn't have put you in that position where you’re made to feel like an ogre for refusing! Tell her you have sex in the mornings and it takes until 8.30.

I would definitely help my sister, at least in the short term.

Everyone always says it always takes a village but then everyone piles in in situations like this and says "no way, it's to be too much of a commitment".

Why dont you agree to say 6 weeks whilst she finds other plans, or 1 day a week, and see it as an opportunity to bond with your nephew?

Yes, I understand you see yourself as a sainted angel and would like to force that role and that misery onto everyone else while believing you are morally superior.

But fortunately OP isn't falling for it. So you do you, and she'll do what works for her and is healthy for her.

No I wouldn't feel sadness. I'd feel that sister was asking far too much and be not impressed with her for asking so much.

But on the basis I'd be retired or approaching retirement, I'd offer to come down and do either Monday or Friday with staying over into the weekend to help.

I would not expect her sibling who is busy enough with work to do it.

Out if interest, when Op had a small child and was working, did her childless sister, who had less commitments, ever offer to come down and look after her child, say for a week during the holidays? Or does the village only work one way?

If she knows any other parents of children in his year she should get added to the parent whatsapp group if there is one - this would be a good way to ask what options there might be for before and after school cover. When we moved area this was how we found our childminder.

I have absolutely never heard anyone say "It takes a village" or agree with this comment, outside of mumsnet - and possibly Hilary Clinton also said it perhaps 20 years ago.

It takes a parent to parent their own kids - this is how everyone has always felt.

For me, it would depend on the 9 year old and my relationship with them.

There are 9 year olds who could be trusted to let themselves in and just hang out, and there are those that couldn't.

Mind you, if they could be trusted to let themselves in and hang out, I suppose they're already the kind of 9 year old who could do that at their own home, with you on the other end of a phone if needed for an emergency.

I agree with PP - she's going to need to shift her hours/get on waitlists for a bit.

Would i want to no. Would I be doing it if wrap around care available definitely not. But I would agree on a temp basis until she can find alternative. People must age out of wrap around care every year so expect it would be one year, with lots of hols.

Or even better,the sister researches holiday camps! Why is it up to the OP for figure it out?

I understand where you are coming from @Childcarehelpneeded . I have started saying no recently to requests for help with the school run. I did the school run for my own for a total of 18 years, I am not committing to do it again for anyone. Not for one day a week, nope.
She will need to do what all other parents do and figure out a way to work around it.
Me and my DH have done all manner of shifts/hours so we were available, I just won't put myself out for people unwilling to change anything themselves anymore.

This isn't your problem to fix and I would be annoyed, as you are, that she was trying to make it my problem.

I think she’s put you in a difficult position here. I agree with PPs who say if you do it temporarily then it’ll end up long term.

It is unreasonable of her to expect this of you and DH long term. I’m also thinking about school holidays- is she going to expect you to have him then too?

I also agree about the ‘it takes a village’ but you’ve already agreed to do one day so you are supportive. You are also working full time - the fact that it’s from home shouldn’t really come into it. You won’t be able to just leave your desk whenever he wants/needs something.

It’s tricky but it’s not your problem is it? Has she looked on Childcare.com for local childcare help? Local Facebook pages etc can also help with finding childcare.

@Childcarehelpneeded I think you're very generous offering 1 day when your routine has changed and you are freed up from kid responsibilities. I think the student idea might work well for her, especially if they are doing childcare/teaching?

Adding to this she could use the bubble app or childcare.co.uk to find reliable DBS certified babysitters

I have sympathy for your sister given the scarcity of wrap around care where I live. We put DD2 on the waiting list for breakfast & after school club over a year before she started school - long before her school place had even been confirmed.

However what you do find is that odd days do become available as time goes on. So she needs to be on all the waiting lists for any days that come up.

I would do this for my sister as long as she was actively looking for solutions. eg enrolling nephew in school clubs like football etc, which would keep him occupied until 4.30ish.

I think the option of getting a local teen to babysit after school is also a good one, especially as you would be around in case of emergencies. However, I wouldn’t be happy with some random, so it might take a bit more time for her find someone by word of mouth. If you are more local, maybe one of your teen’s friends has a younger sibling who would be reliable?

Why so aggressive?

all I said was I don’t think asking for help from family is being a CF.

I think you and I have different experiences of family.

And I’m not sure you can speak on behalf of the OP. She seems to really care for her sister and want to help her (just not want to be put out for 2 years every day)

I would do this for my sister without hesitation. People really are dicks these days.

Agree.

Tinks2026

the perfect solution to me will always be that the kids are with relatives/ people they know very well if they’re at the age where childcare doesn’t benefit so much. And nearby!!! Of course that would have been perfect!!! Plus again, family so there all bond more etc. Yes she’s a cf but I get her desperation (we had no family and twice I had to quit jobs because childcare fell through and around here is all full up)

I’d probably agree, on the proviso that she contacts childminders weekly and gets on all of their waiting lists - that he can come after school as you’re already up and about and he can just sit and watch tv for an hour or 2 whilst you work.
I’d be very clear that mornings won’t work for you and suggest she puts in a flex work request for a later start and working through lunch or whatever.

I would adjust my hours on those days and help her….shes your sister, and he’s your nephew and you’ll have some quality time with him. Perhaps 8.30-4.30 on those days and that will mean a bit of time doing his homework alone before you can play with him. Ensure your sister sends snacks or he can make a crumpet or whatever on his own to eat whilst he works. If it was me, I would also offer my sister dinner one of those nights. I’m all for helping family out. Surely she’s helped you before?

I read op answers but not all the others.

What's your sister's plan for school holidays and when nephew is sick?
I know you said he will walk to school but the days when the weather is really bad will you be expected to drop/collect him?

Her kid, her problem ultimately.

You are not being unreasonable at all-you’ve done your time with your own children!
I actually wouldn’t offer to do this even one day a week as if you can work around him one day, she’ll think you can every day.

Also, what about INSET days? What about when you’re on holiday? School holidays? When he’s ill? You’re ill?

You can’t keep the dogs away from him and work either so it’s not as simple as him just pottering around your house anyway.

If feels rather like she’s moved this close to you to pressure you into doing this!

What did she say when you said no?