Childcare for nephew

[Childcarehelpneeded]

My sister has recently moved house and now lives close to us. She has a son who is 9. My nephew finished the school year at his old school but will be moving to our local primary school that is a 10 minute walk from where live from September for year 5.

My sister works Monday-Thursday, leaving the house at 8am and getting home at 6pm. Her plan was to use before and after school clubs or a childminder for my nephew. She has enquired about them but breakfast club only has space on Mondays and the after school club is full. She says there are only a few childminders that cover our village annd primary school and they are all fully booked.

She has asked if our our nephew can come to our house before school on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday mornings from 8am and after school each day Monday-Thursday, until she gets home at 6pm. He will be walking to and from school himself so we wouldn’t need to actually take him.

We don’t want to commit to doing this. We only have our youngest child at home full time as she is at college and is mostly independent. Our older children are away at university in term time. We both work from home, although I only work 3 days, but often we don’t have to start work til 10am. We sometimes have a lie in and a lazy start to the day and then we work til 6pm ish.

My sister doesn’t feel my nephew is responsible enough to leave the house on time to get himself to school, lock up and be at home for 2 hours by himself after school, which I agree with. She seems to think that as we don’t have to actually take him to school or pick him up, that this is no bother to us at all. I know in reality that won’t be the case as we will have to be up in the morning with him and obviously we wouldn’t ignore him after school. He’ll want to chat, play, have food etc and we need to be working. She says he can watch tv or go on his iPad but inevitably, it will disturb our work and our life.

I have said that this doesn’t work for us, but have offered to do 1 day if she can sort out the other days. I was a SAHM when our children were young so I didn’t have to worry about childcare and don’t know what other options there are. Are there any obvious options we are missing? We don’t have any other family locally and all her friends work full time so have their own childcare to sort out. Her ex is a waste of space and doesn’t see my nephew regularly.

Do childminder spaces become available regularly? The school have said it’s unlikely a space will open up at breakfast club and after school club as they have a long waiting list.

After years of raising our own children, we thought we were free of this and I can’t help but feel annoyed at being made to feel like we have to help. AIBU? Any advice about other childcare options welcome. Thank you.

I think what you've offered sounds fair. My only question is whether by saying you can do it one day a week after school, that kind of says you can work round him. Two mornings and no after schools might be easier to stick to. No, we absolutely can't have him during work hours. Maybe you could relax a bit around not needing to be dressed before he arrive, it would simplify things. I think letting him eat breakfast at yours is a good shout. It would keep him occupied. Food stays in the kitchen though.

It's frustrating that she is asking you to flex both ends of your day but doesn't seem to be considering adjusting her own hours. This is a reason to stand firm. And I agree with you that what you offer temporarily might end up permanent because it's easier than keeping looking for a less convenient to her, more expensive solution.

I think she needs a college or uni student or au pair if she can't or won't change her hours. Someone might want those hours as a nanny, it's not impossible. It might even work out perfectly for someone working locally who works 9-3pm pre-school, or someone working as a TA or lunchtime supervisor. But since she's just moved she doesn't have much of a grapevine yet so this may be tricky to find.

What about inset days and school holidays? Is she planning for you to have him all day?

Can she work on prepping him to me capable of getting himself there by himself? Maybe invest in some home automation that will remind him to leave and the like. Then sign him up for after school clubs - sport, music, whatever, that are within walking or bussing distance?

Most 9 year olds could do this fine if they were prepped properly, though I appreciate not every 9 year old is most!

Respectfully, surely this was something that was taken in to account in her decision to move and change his school? At the point where you researched and then register at a new school would you not also be making sure what wraparound is available in the area ?
Also you mention he’s been going to his “old” school for the time being. How has she been managing this if they’ve already moved ?

It’s not your responsibility to pick up the slack. This should have been a deciding factor in her moving and changing his school in the first place and I can’t believe it wasn’t. I’d be very careful that you don’t end up doing more impromptu child care as well… being so close and “available” at home you can bet who’ll get called upon if he’s unwell at school and needs picking up, or she gets stuck at work and so on.

Realistically your sister needs to speak to her employer about flexible working like everyone else has to. It will only be a couple of years until he’s old enough to be on his own anyway, so it’s a relatively temporary problem for her to find a solution to.

Your sister is one of the many who think working at home isn't really work. Tell her to jog on.

Don’t do it. I did this for a friend/neighbour when she went back to work following Covid. It was such a bind and put responsibility upon me when I’d done all my years bringing our own children up. If it was a one off or for x amount of time I might consider it but not like we did again. It was way too much

Oh yes this is far too much to take on and completely tone deaf of her to ask. You are also a person with a busy life and you only just came out of the childcare years yourself, you can’t start again with someone else’s child!

Fortunately she’s got all summer to sort something. I wouldn’t be so fast to offer 1 day, it’s better if she locks in a Mon-Fri solution.

Ignore the sainted self sacrificing twits who will leap in to instruct you that your time and energy are resources to be shared.

The answer is no, of course. And no multiplied by 100 since you're also working.

Don't offer anything, not a single regular day, because you're then locked in and she'll just keep pushing.

It’s a massive tie and really cheeky to ask. What if OP wants to go away ?

As your sister is a single parent she is going to have to request changing her hours and finish at 4pm. Could she make her time up in the evening? Tbh as a single parent I would just speak with my boss and say she is really struggling. She really NEEDS to finish at 4pm.

There's 13 weeks of school holidays. Research holiday camps for your sister.

This is also unfair on your nephew. He needs attention not an ipad every day after school.

She needs to find a student or babysitter or ask other families to share care.

Look up koru kids it's an agency for after school childcare

Are you sure the move to your village wasn’t inspired by the assumption of free childcare? What did she do before she moved?

Yep. As soon as I read she'd moved close to OP I thought incoming CF.

How do you force a deadbeat dad to parent?

Wondering as I've been single parenting for 8 years and didn't realise there was an option.

I wouldn’t want to do it either. Mine are all young adults now. I am moving closer to family soon, and my brother had a later in life child who is 4. They have no-one to help, and I don’t mind occasional babysitting but certainly wouldn’t want to commit to 4 days a week. It’s likely you’ll be stuck doing it for 2yrs plus. It is a big ask.

Has she contacted any nurseries/pre-schools? They often provide before and after school clubs and do drop offs and pick ups.

I'd probably do it, because we're not talking forever here & it's so difficult being an unsupported lone parent (if that's what she is). School need to get more wrap around places organised. There's an obvious demand, & lack of provision disproportionately affects parents like your sister. I do often wonder if some of these village schools, especially those with religious affiliations, only have the minimum to keep themselves inaccessible to anyone except "traditional" families on purpose.

I don’t think your being unreasonable at all, id even be sceptical about helping temporarily as this will inevitably end up long term. What happens if he gets poorly, you have to rearrange your morning until his mum can collect etc.

Has she also tried nurseries? My DGD’s nursery has mini buses and do school drop offs and pick ups to about 4 different primaries in the area. I’m not sure whether it is for ex-nursery children though or open to anyone if they have spaces.

One day a week is generous. Another person who forgets that ‘wfh’ means you work, and aren’t available. Looking after a child for three hours a day is a big ask, and it will be more if she’s late finishing from work, gets stuck in traffic, pops in the shop to buy some milk etc. Also, it restricts you severely in the evening.

i wouldn’t even offer it as a temporary solution, as she may conveniently never find a suitable person.

"It takes a village" means that it works two ways, NOT just taking.

What has the sister done to help out others before she had children? Holiday time?

"It take a village" is the new "I'm entitled to it".

Just say no and let her sulk. Never be afraid of being seen as the bad guy, that's just a thing that manipulative people do to get you to do what they want.

Oh come on, it's clear to see this was her intention all along. I bet she moved closer to you with this exact thing in mind.

I find all this talk about him having keys and being left alone, not needing supervision for 3-4 hours a day shocking to be honest. He's probably not long turned 9 years old.

Why did she move away? Did she ever give thought to finding childcare BEFORE she moved? Or did she figure you would be guilted into it sooner or later?

I would tell her she needs to find a childminder, au pair or whatever to come to her house and care for her son. If you start doing it, it will never stop and all of the things you've thought about (the attention he needs, your sister hanging around, school holiday times) will all rear their heads and she will expect you to fix it.

I am sure there must be some type of agency or something where she can sign up and get matched.

Family support seems to have changed so much since I was a child.

Not really, as a GenXer, we were left to it at this age. That’s why we didn’t need aunties to babysit us—the family wraparound care was the same—zero.