AIBU to expect support from my MIL after criticising DH?

[Katey83]

My extended family on my DH side have had a very difficult year, including his father dying, mental illness in his siblings, problems with his DD (my dsd) health and more. In all this I have been there for DH and his family above and beyond, organising and attending appointments, taking on the legal and administrative paperwork because of their language issues, becoming legal parent to his DD and more. His mum has been supportive through all this - partly because she has not much else to do and partly to show appreciation, she has been doing a lot of practical tasks and helping with housework and childcare as DH and I have needed to increase hours. Anyway she also stays with us in our very small house (on a sofa as we have 2 bedrooms and 3 kids) most of the time.

DH and I have been struggling with our relationship through the stress. DSD behaviour is awful and he strugggles not to be Disney Dad. He leaves all the mental and emotional load to me, even with his own family. He means well but is rubbish in many ways. Last night after another day of stress and so on I lost it when he bathed our toddler and came downstairs with her in her pyjamas / her face and feet were still filthy, she had dirt under her nails and her teeth hasn’t been brushed. I told him there was little point in him bothering to bathe her if he wasn’t going to help her get clean. I admit I shouted and it escalated - I told him the marriage was reliant on his ability to parent like a grown up, which he isn’t doing. He said he is trying his best and can’t do any better. Honestly I am about ready to leave.

Mother in law was there and is furious with me. She stormed out, then returned, refused to eat dinner - baby sat kids today as had been arranged due to my and DH work commitments - but didn’t speak a word to me and left when I came down to have lunch (and WFH). She is now refusing to come on our shared holiday as she thinks I am basically a terrible wife and should not criticise DH when he is trying his best.

i feel terrible. AIBU here in expecting some solidarity as a woman? Or understanding that I am at breaking point?

I think @Katey83 has got the message that most don't approve of her shouting at her husband. However it sounds as if all the responsibilities for the family have landed her shoulders.

MIL has practically moved into her home, despite having 2 of her own.

MIL is wedged into a small 2 bedroomed home which is open plan downstairs.

MIL is sleeping on a sofa in the open plan area of their home.

MIL depends on OP to do all the paperwork in relation to her FILs death.

MIL and her son relies on OP for support in dealing with other siblings MH.

OP is dealing with the mental and emotional load in relation to her stepdaughter with little support.

MIL acts like a child when OP loses it with her husband who 'bathes' their child but leaves them obviously dirty!

MIL stormed out, sulks, refuses to talk to OP
and is now refusing to go on holiday with them. This would be a win for me.

@Katey83 1st thing you need to do is get your MIL out of YOUR house and off your sofa. How are you supposed to have any kind of normal family life with MIL there all the time in your family space. She has no right to behave as she has done especially as she never bothered with your family before her husband died.

Your husband needs to step up. What was your relationship like before MIL got involved? You need to reclaim your home and start implementing changes and installing boundaries. Good luck.

It sounds like you are at the end of your tether and he may be struggling too. You need a serious talk about this. Kids in bed, MIL at her house. Sit and chat calmly. Make him listen.

Your MIL needs to move out. Now. Immediately.

Your MIL needs to not to come on holiday with you.

You and DH need to work on your relationship and decide if you want to be together or not. Then work out how he can step up as a parent

This needs to happen before you take legal responsibility for his DD. You cannot disrupt that child's life if you go on to split 6 months after getting responsibility.

You need to step back from his family admin. It's kind you have helped so far but your bucket is overflowing just now so someone else needs to take responsibility.

It's been tough. See if you can get through it together before you make rash decisions.

I could not agree more