AIBU to expect support from my MIL after criticising DH?

[Katey83]

My extended family on my DH side have had a very difficult year, including his father dying, mental illness in his siblings, problems with his DD (my dsd) health and more. In all this I have been there for DH and his family above and beyond, organising and attending appointments, taking on the legal and administrative paperwork because of their language issues, becoming legal parent to his DD and more. His mum has been supportive through all this - partly because she has not much else to do and partly to show appreciation, she has been doing a lot of practical tasks and helping with housework and childcare as DH and I have needed to increase hours. Anyway she also stays with us in our very small house (on a sofa as we have 2 bedrooms and 3 kids) most of the time.

DH and I have been struggling with our relationship through the stress. DSD behaviour is awful and he strugggles not to be Disney Dad. He leaves all the mental and emotional load to me, even with his own family. He means well but is rubbish in many ways. Last night after another day of stress and so on I lost it when he bathed our toddler and came downstairs with her in her pyjamas / her face and feet were still filthy, she had dirt under her nails and her teeth hasn’t been brushed. I told him there was little point in him bothering to bathe her if he wasn’t going to help her get clean. I admit I shouted and it escalated - I told him the marriage was reliant on his ability to parent like a grown up, which he isn’t doing. He said he is trying his best and can’t do any better. Honestly I am about ready to leave.

Mother in law was there and is furious with me. She stormed out, then returned, refused to eat dinner - baby sat kids today as had been arranged due to my and DH work commitments - but didn’t speak a word to me and left when I came down to have lunch (and WFH). She is now refusing to come on our shared holiday as she thinks I am basically a terrible wife and should not criticise DH when he is trying his best.

i feel terrible. AIBU here in expecting some solidarity as a woman? Or understanding that I am at breaking point?

By “out of the way”, I meant that she should have left the house, gone for a walk, popped to the shop - anything so that she allowed them the privacy they deserve! It’s simple politeness and a little consideration.

How do you know it was convenient to leave the house??

And was she supposed to leave her grandchildren there while the OP was shouting at their dad?

@Katey83 are they from a different culture? You mentioned language difficulties. Some cultures just don't accept wives criticising their husbands. However concentrate on your DH, he isn't trying his best, unless you've married a man who isn't capable of independence and self care. He needs to get his shit together. This has done you a favour, it will put needed distance between you and MIL.

the incident lasted about 2 mins or fewer - there was no issue leaving me with my own children, I was already looking after them.

And they weren’t scared by the shouting?

Are they used to hearing it?

What on earth?! She won’t have her son live with her, and yet is mad at you for not looking after her son in your own home that she has settled herself into, as well as she’d like?! Who the hell does she think she is!

Seriously, OP, your DH and his family are taking you for a fool. Smh. This is so messed up.

I doubt they loved hearing me shout at my husband. I don’t know if they were frightened - they have heard raised voices before yes. I would consider it weird for kids to have not done.

You do sound extremely uptight. Why not just ask him to give her face a once over with a flannel, she doesn't need a whole new bath.

Honestly his dad died, his siblings are struggling with MH issues, his DD is struggling and you lose it over a bit of dirt? No one died from a bit of dirt, kids that grow up on farms often have better immune systems. Have you not learnt from all you (well he really) has been through that this really isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things?

I think she’s out of order criticising you instead of helping to solve the problem.

My DS is a very hands on dad with his two little ones (much better than his own dad was when he was little) but if he wasn’t, I’d be reading him the riot act.

What is wrong with a bit of dirt. Its not worth divorcing over

But have they heard shouting before which is completely different to raised voices?

The issue isn’t the dirt in this one instance it’s that a pattern of him being unable to properly do the parental stuff adds to my sense of having to take responsibility for absolutely everything. But yes he has been through a lot.

i’m not sure what impression my OP gave, but I did not scream at DH, I lost my temper and shouted by which I mean raised my voice to a loud volume, telling him ‘for god sake parent like an adult’ when I saw how filthy she still was and slammed a door as I walked away when he started telling me it didn’t matter, chill out etc etc - I said ‘I don’t know how you expect this marriage to work when I am doing everything’ as I walked away . Not good behaviour I agree, but I am not ranting and raving in front of the children as some here are suggesting.

I think your living situation sounds untenable and you should probably separate. 💐

He sounds useless. Of course it's just a snapshot but you guys have got precisely zero chance if you continue to live cooped up like this. Six people in a two bed house does not work.

If you genuinely want to try and fix things then MIL has to go. She can't be allowed to interfere in your marriage and disrespect you in your own home.

As for Mr Disney Dad, if he's a low earner who can't parent or do chores, what exactly is the point of him?

Gosh OP you've certainly attracted the perfect parent nobheads.

In the real world we've all had disagreements with our spouses in front of the kids. Imaging bottling that stuff up all day to release at bed time, my H would be like "why didn't you say something?".

Your H sounds irritating and immature. His mother is a burden and needs to realise how much of her son (and her) living situation is bankrolled by you. Next row, drop that in.

Get a divorce. Life could be so much happier, easier and more peaceful. Have the holiday without her, stop legal proceedings with SD, sell the house, have a lovely life.

Yes, if my DS was a parent and couldn’t bath his child properly or brush her teeth I’d hit the roof with him.

Unless you want to live like this until she dies, it's time for MIL to go home and stay there.

I really don’t think you are going to get good advice on this thread. It is obvious there is a lot of back story and this situation is only a small aspect of the problem. I agree with people that shouting at your partner is bad for children to witness. I agree that it is inappropriate to do in front of your MIL but his family’s complete inability to take responsibility is a red flag, his mother moving in is a red flag, his weaponised incompetence is a red flag.

My husband lost a parent too this last year. That is really hard but the rest of the stuff you are dealing with is just a group of dysfunctional people.

100% this. I think the bigger picture is, you're at breaking point and you snapped. It's not about the dirt as a stand alone event, it's the having to continue to carry the mental load for everything whether it's a task he's completing or not.

His mum moving in, whilst I can imagine she is sad, this is a nightmare situation. It's just another stress to carry around. I would be suggesting she moves out back to one of her own houses to see if your marriage has a chance to get past this.

It’s your house and your MIL needs to butt out. It sounds like there is a lot going on and her being in your over crowded house won’t be helping. Your husband sounded like he needs to up his game, in your shoes then l probably would have lost my temper

You are not a terrible wife. Everybody has their breaking point/last straw. But MIL living there permanently in a small open plan house is not sustainable. You simply can't have any sort of disagreement with your husband - which most couples do - without his mother being aware. And maybe that's why you've bottled things up until it all came out this way.

Harsh as it sounds I'd suggest that he moves with his mum into one of her houses. She will not be lonely and you're doing everything for your child anyway. If he moves out he can take the burden of paperwork and legal, making appointments and trying to deal with his daughter etc which will make your life considerably easier.

I accept that this may mean the end of the marriage. But something has to change and he is not willing to be the driver of that change so you must.

I think it would be helpful if you shared what else he doesn't do properly. On one example it's hard to see if you were over reacting or if it was the straw that broke the camels back

However much I might love and appreciate my future children in-law I would never in a million years take sides with them against my own children