AIBU to expect support from my MIL after criticising DH?

[Katey83]

My extended family on my DH side have had a very difficult year, including his father dying, mental illness in his siblings, problems with his DD (my dsd) health and more. In all this I have been there for DH and his family above and beyond, organising and attending appointments, taking on the legal and administrative paperwork because of their language issues, becoming legal parent to his DD and more. His mum has been supportive through all this - partly because she has not much else to do and partly to show appreciation, she has been doing a lot of practical tasks and helping with housework and childcare as DH and I have needed to increase hours. Anyway she also stays with us in our very small house (on a sofa as we have 2 bedrooms and 3 kids) most of the time.

DH and I have been struggling with our relationship through the stress. DSD behaviour is awful and he strugggles not to be Disney Dad. He leaves all the mental and emotional load to me, even with his own family. He means well but is rubbish in many ways. Last night after another day of stress and so on I lost it when he bathed our toddler and came downstairs with her in her pyjamas / her face and feet were still filthy, she had dirt under her nails and her teeth hasn’t been brushed. I told him there was little point in him bothering to bathe her if he wasn’t going to help her get clean. I admit I shouted and it escalated - I told him the marriage was reliant on his ability to parent like a grown up, which he isn’t doing. He said he is trying his best and can’t do any better. Honestly I am about ready to leave.

Mother in law was there and is furious with me. She stormed out, then returned, refused to eat dinner - baby sat kids today as had been arranged due to my and DH work commitments - but didn’t speak a word to me and left when I came down to have lunch (and WFH). She is now refusing to come on our shared holiday as she thinks I am basically a terrible wife and should not criticise DH when he is trying his best.

i feel terrible. AIBU here in expecting some solidarity as a woman? Or understanding that I am at breaking point?

Do you want to stay married to the man?

We choose our own happiness in life, you don't need to accept such a zero effort man.

If you don't need her, then send her home.
I cannot imagine having someone suddenly insert themselves in my home, sleeping on the sofa.
Of course it is more stress.
Do not bring her on holiday.
Your marriage needs space and some cards on the table.

Let it go? Her child was still filthy. Getting into bed like that?? I should co co...

She needs to move back to her own home, she and her family need to do their own paperwork, you need to be firm about your role and mother, stepmother and wife and what you will/wont accept from your husband. This all sounds too much from too many people on top of everyone. It’s going to explode.

Then she can go back to her home then.

Giving the silent treatment to one of the homeowners because you disagree with them is juvenile. Raising voices is not great, neither is not being able to properly clean your own child.

Guessing she is one of those women who thinks a man just attempting to clean their child is good enough.

Doubt if you did that she would say you were doing your best.

If your DH isn’t going out of his way to host her himself then more reason for her to go to her own home.

Right now I don’t. But there is a lot of guilt due to me being the breadwinner. If I leave him, he and SD will be basically homeless. He would get about £20k if I sold the house and he has a very small income.

Surely they’d move in with his DM into one of her houses and make each other happy? He’s your husband not your son, supposedly your equal. He’s not your responsibility to the point of you having to put up with all this

Well presumably as his mother owns two houses, he would go and live in one of those. And I imagine she would be delighted to just live with him and his DD without you in the equation. As for his low income, that wouldn't be your problem.

You don't need to stay in a miserable relationship just to house and bankroll a useless man.
He's an adult, just as capable as you, he just chooses to be a burden to others.

You refuse to accept that you were in the wrong here . And foolish to think his mother would appreciate you talking to anyone , let alone her son in such a vicious way . She stayed silent as probably needs to calm down before the whole thing escalates . I do understand your frustration but everyone seems to be struggling in the house at the moment.

He sounds like a useless father and I can fully understand why you lost your temper, if he’s genuinely it doesn’t understand or is genuinely unable to mange a dependent child’s hygiene needs and sees things like brushing teeth as optional extras, I’d be angry too.

Would he be likely to pursue 50/50? Or if you’re the legal parent of his dd would you have to pay child support and she be part of any 50/50 contact arrangements? You say she will be homeless but as her legal parent, isn’t housing her as much your responsibility now too? I don’t know how it works but just mentioning in case it makes leaving more complicated and it means you have to pay him child support for her if you’re planning on leaving and him having full custody.

Shouting at him and threatening the marriage in front of the children isn’t ideal but I can see why you lost your shit. I’d take it as a red flag for how toxic your home environment has come and it’s not healthy for any of the children.

It gets worse. He’s a cocklodger too?? So low income, Disney dad, doesn’t provide for himself and his kids, and can’t even bathe a child competently. And has a mother that has essentially moved in with you without your agreement. Well he certainly wasn’t the one to choose to father a child but I’m sure you realise that now.

That does not mean that you have to continue to lug his dead weight around, however. Get rid of the worthless manchild and let his mother help him figure it out. He doesn’t have to be your problem. You will feel so much lighter when you just have to deal with yourself and your toddler and not the manchild, his child, and his mother to boot.

I think your husband did a crap job of washing his own child and no attempt to clean their teeth. If a woman had done it, it would have been done as standard. However emotions are running high and you all have a lot going on. Maybe talk to your MIL and husband together and try to sort this issue. Sounds like you have been doing a lot to support the family. Hope you can all support each other going forwards.

Honestly now based off of behaviour I think they both need to go. Your DH is absolutely useless and while shouting at anyone is not great, he and his mother are an unwelcome burden.

Divorce, sell up but remember if you’ve now adopted his daughter you have PR for her too.

She wouldn’t have them at hers!

I’m in the process of becoming legal parent. So it’s not yet been signed off my a judge but will be…unless I pull out now which I think is on the cards.

I don’t refuse to accept I was in the wrong, I shouldn’t have shouted and lost my temper at my husband in front of everyone. As I said the house is small so there is nowhere where you can really have a private row. I feel bad and said so in my OP.

I can understand why you snapped OP - it was a "last straw" situation after all the stress you've been under.

Tbh I'd stop worrying about whether MIL is / should be on your or your husband's side and focus on what can be done to improve the current situation. MIL moving back to her own house? You stepping back a bit from the level of support you've been providing?

Think about your boundaries OP - it sounds like you've given too much of yourself.

MIL not coming on the holiday sounds like a blessing in disguise!

I think you’re just adding a lot of drip feeds to make your husband sound ‘more’ useless than he already is because this thread is not going your way. I’m not commenting on the drip feeds or your overall relationship , just the matter in the OP.
No matter what , shouting and belittling another adult in the presence of your children is a form of abuse. You created a toxic moment when you lost it in front of everyone and I don’t know how you expect his mum to back you up. There are lots of ways you can express yourself without losing it in front of your kids.

I don't think you are unreasonable for being upset with your DH.

I think you were unreasonable to speak to him in front of her. If your current living situation means that's difficult, you need to find a way to not be on top of each other all the time. She needs not to be at yours all the time.

I would expect almost any mother to "side" with her son over her DIL in a situation like this, particularly when tempers have become heated.

His DM should have made herself scarce when the disagreement began - if I was in someone else’s home, I’d get myself out of the way so that they could have some privacy! She’s staying in your home and no amount of ‘helping’ or grieving entitles her to outstay her welcome.

You mentioned language difficulties in your OP. Is there a cultural expectation that your widowed MIL would move in with her son and his family?

You seem to be keeping everything together, particularly financially, and becoming a legal parent to your step-daughter is a big step that will make it harder for you to separate.

Hm depends. If you “lost it” and screamed and shouted at my child to “parent like a grown up” then yeah damn right I’d be unimpressed.

If you were a bit eye rolly or quietly irritated but balanced, I’d back you if I agreed with you.

You say this like screaming and shouting is normal. It shouldn’t be normal tbh.

My husband and I have disagreements, sure, but I don’t think we’ve ever “lost it” with each other.

The OP was shouting at her husband.

Unless they live in a mansion, her MIL and the kids were always going to hear her.