AIBU to expect support from my MIL after criticising DH?

[Katey83]

My extended family on my DH side have had a very difficult year, including his father dying, mental illness in his siblings, problems with his DD (my dsd) health and more. In all this I have been there for DH and his family above and beyond, organising and attending appointments, taking on the legal and administrative paperwork because of their language issues, becoming legal parent to his DD and more. His mum has been supportive through all this - partly because she has not much else to do and partly to show appreciation, she has been doing a lot of practical tasks and helping with housework and childcare as DH and I have needed to increase hours. Anyway she also stays with us in our very small house (on a sofa as we have 2 bedrooms and 3 kids) most of the time.

DH and I have been struggling with our relationship through the stress. DSD behaviour is awful and he strugggles not to be Disney Dad. He leaves all the mental and emotional load to me, even with his own family. He means well but is rubbish in many ways. Last night after another day of stress and so on I lost it when he bathed our toddler and came downstairs with her in her pyjamas / her face and feet were still filthy, she had dirt under her nails and her teeth hasn’t been brushed. I told him there was little point in him bothering to bathe her if he wasn’t going to help her get clean. I admit I shouted and it escalated - I told him the marriage was reliant on his ability to parent like a grown up, which he isn’t doing. He said he is trying his best and can’t do any better. Honestly I am about ready to leave.

Mother in law was there and is furious with me. She stormed out, then returned, refused to eat dinner - baby sat kids today as had been arranged due to my and DH work commitments - but didn’t speak a word to me and left when I came down to have lunch (and WFH). She is now refusing to come on our shared holiday as she thinks I am basically a terrible wife and should not criticise DH when he is trying his best.

i feel terrible. AIBU here in expecting some solidarity as a woman? Or understanding that I am at breaking point?

You criticised her son ( however fairly) she has lost her husband ( I assume they were still married) is sleeping on your couch and watching your kids. I think emotions were already running high and nothing in that situation is fair or easy.

This sounds like my MIL...who I love btw. In her eyes I am the greatest, until I criticise her DS, and then l see where I really stand. It hurts tbh. I have 4DS, I hope I have more common sense and can validate my future DILs feelings!

I'd do the same as her. I'd have eaten dinner though...

Of course your MIL is not going to side with you against her son. The whole situation seems untenable with too many people in a small house and too much work for you (and probably others too). Can you step back so your workload becomes more manageable and concentrate on your DC and DH rather than doing the IL's paperwork? MIL needs to find somewhere else to live too, living on a sofa is not going to work long term I'm not surprised it got to boiling point.

Regarding the holiday - go without her and try to spend some quality time with your DH and close family (that doesn't not include MIL) and work out how you can all have a better living situation..

She has two houses! She just prefers to be with us as is lonely. It’s a lot of stress.

Criticising your DH in front of his mother was never going to go down well.

My own mum would definitely not side with my brother in similar situation…she’d tell him to step up.

Then it's crazy that she is always in your pockets. Get her to move back to relieve the tension. I love my MIL, she has been great (although now very old and suffering health issues) but no way would I want to live with her.

I see what you mean, but I need to be able to express myself to my husband in my own home.

Then wait until you're alone, don't bring his mum into it. It's not fair.

Your DH sounds a bit rubbish with the kids, but she is his mum, she’s not going to side with you.

I agree with PP, go on holiday without her, try to reconnect with your DH. Step back from the family paperwork - your DH can do it, or arrange other help for your in-laws.

Sounds like MIL is with you too often

I didn’t bring her into it. She was here because she is always here.

OP is never alone with her husband because her MIL is always there. She says MIL has two houses but is lonely so insists on sleeping at their house.

This is a ridiculous situation as you have three adults and three children sleeping in a house with only two bedrooms. Your MIL needs to go home.

I don’t think it is appropriate to vent your frustration to your husband’s mother as her loyalty naturally lies with her son. You need to apologise for dragging her into your own issues.

That said if she is going to mistreat you she will have to move out.

It is an absolute requirement of her living in your home that she treats you respectfully.

I didn’t vent to her. I vented to my husband directly. She wasn’t involved but was here / it’s a tiny house with open plan downstairs rooms.

@Katey83 yhen that needs to change.

Set your boundaries and non negotiable limits on immediate family time and extended family time…

if you become her crutch now for company etc she will monopolise all your time at home and never develop other relationships or habits to help her with her loneliness.

and I’m sorry. Bathing a toddler isn’t rocket science. You can’t just sit them in water and then get them out 3 minutes later. Surely he can see she’s still bogging?

If he wasn’t in your immediate life - and lived with his mum in one of her two houses - how much calmer and simpler would life be?

I think shouting and belittling your husband in front of your child was wrong. I’m sure in hindsight you would agree. Am sorry you find yourself in such stress but the onus is on you and husband to find a way to work things out, The MIL is peripheral.

She’s just lost her husband, You criticising her son was never going to go well. 🙄

Absolutely your husband should be looking after your kid as much as you and it's not unreasonable to expect him to have her clean.
Bit scathing you say MIL has not much else to do-she could do lots of things from joining clubs, to volunteer work, to lying reading all day but she helps you both.
Solidarity as a woman means nothing-you should speak up for the person you think is right, regardless of whether they are the same gender/skin colour/age as you.
And my dad or FIL would have gone mad at my husband if he was shouting at me, especially in front of the kids, whether I was justified in being annoyed.

Is it belittling? Surely, surely it is worse for me to simply re bathe her and suck up his uselessness? Teaching her that women just do everything?

You didn't have to rebathe anyone. You could let it go. Is it a hill worth dying on?

I would go and move into MIL’s house for a few days and let them get on with it

Your child should be shielded from parental conflict. Kids are like a sponge, they take everything in - words, tone, atmospheric…. Apparently you told (shouted) at husband that he needs to parent like a grown up. Maybe other similar stuff was said. This is bad.

This will sound ridiculous, but have you considered a form of couples mediation or counselling? I know people hate the mention of it but it would give you both opportunity to say your piece. Maybe inch towards something better.

Her storming out, not eating your food or going on your holiday sounds absolutely ideal!
Your life doesn't sound enjoyable at the minute. Never go over and above for anyone, it's rarely worth it.

Your husband is a crap father to his eldest, so expect the same for your kids, sadly.

I wouldn't talk to my DH like that in front of anyone, least of all his own mother. If my DH tried to humiliate me like that I'd be considering divorce.