AIBU to expect support from my MIL after criticising DH?

[Katey83]

My extended family on my DH side have had a very difficult year, including his father dying, mental illness in his siblings, problems with his DD (my dsd) health and more. In all this I have been there for DH and his family above and beyond, organising and attending appointments, taking on the legal and administrative paperwork because of their language issues, becoming legal parent to his DD and more. His mum has been supportive through all this - partly because she has not much else to do and partly to show appreciation, she has been doing a lot of practical tasks and helping with housework and childcare as DH and I have needed to increase hours. Anyway she also stays with us in our very small house (on a sofa as we have 2 bedrooms and 3 kids) most of the time.

DH and I have been struggling with our relationship through the stress. DSD behaviour is awful and he strugggles not to be Disney Dad. He leaves all the mental and emotional load to me, even with his own family. He means well but is rubbish in many ways. Last night after another day of stress and so on I lost it when he bathed our toddler and came downstairs with her in her pyjamas / her face and feet were still filthy, she had dirt under her nails and her teeth hasn’t been brushed. I told him there was little point in him bothering to bathe her if he wasn’t going to help her get clean. I admit I shouted and it escalated - I told him the marriage was reliant on his ability to parent like a grown up, which he isn’t doing. He said he is trying his best and can’t do any better. Honestly I am about ready to leave.

Mother in law was there and is furious with me. She stormed out, then returned, refused to eat dinner - baby sat kids today as had been arranged due to my and DH work commitments - but didn’t speak a word to me and left when I came down to have lunch (and WFH). She is now refusing to come on our shared holiday as she thinks I am basically a terrible wife and should not criticise DH when he is trying his best.

i feel terrible. AIBU here in expecting some solidarity as a woman? Or understanding that I am at breaking point?

I don't think it does sound ridiculous. I think couples counseling could be good. Understandable that you were frustrated with him but you don't need to shout at him.

You just say you forgot her hands and face, take her back to the bath please.

Then y9u need to make it clear to her that if she wants to be rude and go the silent treatment route she can do it from her own house but needs to maintain basic standards of civility in yours. Also, you're doing too much for them.including dsd.

If I criticise my husband's parenting in a reasonable fashion, MIL will almost always back me up, but then I always do it in a conversational way. In fact, sometimes he responds better to it as feedback when he can see two of us agreeing on it.

But if I kicked off at him in front of her when she was doing a lot to support us both, I'd have to grovel, and rightly so.

I loathe this idea that simply because we share a sex, there should be automatic solidarity between women. Bad behaviour is still bad behaviour, regardless of the fact you’re both female. Sounds like you went way OTT. I wouldn’t expect my MIL to support me if I was berating her son and we get on hugely well.

Well yes I try that and get ‘what? She’s fine. You’re so uptight. Who cares about a bit of dirt?’

Well, yes. You know he's a Disney dad. Useless.

I wouldn't go on holiday with you either after witnessing you shouting, especially in front of your DC.

Plus, wouldn't she just end up doing more of your housework and childcare on holiday anyway?

She might want a break from it all.

I’d have backed you up if my ds was that useless. Although I might have quietly wished that you’d expressed it a bit differently but I would have been shocked at the lack of effort in giving your toddler a bath.

OP, your MIL needs to move back to her own home - it’s not your problem she’s lonely, she’s creating extra burden in a tiny house and means you cannot communicate openly with your husband regularly (so it waits until things boil over).
You need to stop running entire extended family’s mental load - they can do it themselves or your DH can do it - you don’t have the capacity.
Your MIL likely felt called out because she raised a Disney dad who can’t bathe a toddler, but on the flip side- you have a DSD so you knew before you married him he will be as useful in parenting as a chocolate teapot. But this is something you can deal with productively when your problems are: your marriage and the kids- you’re burnt out cause for whatever reason you’re doing everything for everyone and letting MIL live with you on top- there’s no requirement to do any of that if you don’t have the capacity (if you did, the votes could be split, but not if it’s all too much).

You have my sympathy, op- the whole set up sounds impossible. But arguing in front of your MIl and expecting her to take sides was never going to go well. It’s unfair to put her in that position.

It really sounds as if she needs to move out and I’d talk to your husband about how to make that work- what support she’d need to live alone, expectations around visits etc.

If you shouted in front of her, you brought her into it by default.

You could wait until you go to bed, or take your DH out of the room. There's never any need to yell at your spouse in front of their parents.

I’d love her to not come, honestly. I need some space with my family. Before her husband passed she had very little to do with us, never got my kids a Christmas or birthday gift, rarely made any effort. Yes she has been hugely helpful since, but as I say it’s more for her than it is us.

I also find it mad that nobody on mumsnet argues with their spouse or ever shouts!

Unless the MIL sleeps in their bed with them, of course they are times when they're alone 😉

I agree that she needs to go back to her own house but that's not a reason to shout at her son in front of her.

If the MIL goes home, the OP and her DH will lose the free housework, various other tasks and childcare.

People aren't saying they don't argue, they're saying they don't do it in front of their kids or in-laws as it's not fair or appropriate.

I also find it mad that nobody on mumsnet argues with their spouse or ever shouts!

No, some parents DO shout at their spouse and some even do it in front of their kids.

It is however, generally known as being abusive.

Have a look around the Relationships topic and you'll see plenty of shouty/abusive partners.

OP, you have my sympathy.
Obviously the shouting is wrong. But it sounds like you are packed into a small house with a woman who has decided ye can fill her time now.

The holiday on your own is a good idea.
Are you happily married?
Is this what you want?
He sounds useless if he can't do the basics.

Can you do without her childcare?
If so, do.

Losing your temper is not good but you need to spell out to him that he needs to cop on.

His mother created this loser, don't be surprised she supports him.

Stop doing so much.
It really is thankless.

Your MIL needs to go home and not to come on holiday with you.

OK so it isn't great how her stropping off has come about but she isn't someone who had a lot of interest in your family until now. She can't move in now and expect everyone to be delighted.

You need better boundaries to stop you taking on all the problems of your DH's family and burning yourself into the ground.

What did you think MIL would do ? You threatened her son’s marriage and in front of your small daughter. You shouted at him in front of your small daughter.

You rarely influence change for the better by shouting at people. Or telling they are useless.

If people seem unable to do something, usually it is because they need advice as to how to do it properly. He is probably too terrified to ask you.

No you are not entitled to assume your MIL would take your ‘side’. She is angry that you saw fit to behave like that.

Show him, explain to him what bathing needs to involve. Tell him not to take it the wrong way but next time do a, b and c.

She was at your house because she provides childcare, surely? You can’t rely on her for childcare but also resent her presence in your house!

Your husband sounds like a useless, lazy dad and you absolutely should call him out on it. But not in front of your MIL and not in front of your children either.

Your MIL needs to move to her own place and not stay over on the sofa.

As I have said above, we actually do not need her for any of this. We have not asked her to do any of it she just sort of moved in after her husband died and took a lot upon herself, yes it’s been useful. No it’s not something we need. I am capable of doing my own housework and we have other childcare options.

I think your MIL should mind her own business. If you are going to insert yourself into a married couple's home you'te going to overhear cross words at some point. I wouldn't blame her for staying out if it, but not speaking to you because of this? Wow.

I'd be looking to pull back massively. Be happy she doesn't want to join you on holiday. Focus on what you want to do about your marriage.

Doesn't matter how much you do for her and her family, she has shown you that you are not really part of the inner family circle.

We don’t rely on her for childcare. She needed to stay with us for a while after her husband died and began offering and we have accepted, up until a year ago she barely saw the children unless we took them to her house.