To want MIL to stop doing our laundry?

[HannahR21]

MIL is here every other Tuesday looking after our toddler whilst we both work. She is really helpful, and tries to do stuff round the house. Recently, she has started putting washes on. I find this a step too far - the first time this happened, there wasn’t a great deal of washing in our basket - it would have fit in one wash. She left one item in the basket which was a rather ‘risque’ all in one bedroom outfit of mine if you get what I mean. She had obviously seen it, and decided to leave it (and nothing else) in the basket.

DH says she’s being helpful and it saves me a job so I should be grateful. I find it..invasive? Fully appreciate it may be a ‘me’ issue but thought it’d get some impartial views.

I’m a MIL. Personally I wouldn’t dream of doing their washing. I’m sure she just wants to help but just tell her politely that you would rather do your own laundry.

Sure they can. By being polite, asking before doing anything potentially invasive (if they wouldn't do it if visiting their boss's house, then it's potentially invasive) instead of making assumptions that it's helpful, and generally thinking before acting. There's nothing nice about taking over someone's life, or aspects of it, without being asked/asking yourself.

OP, if you don't want to say anything I'd get a solid-colour plastic box or wooden toy box with lid, put it in your bedroom and designate that as your laundry basket. DH and DC laundry can go in the regular basket and she can wash that if DH is fine with it and thinks it's helpful.

If MIL is one of those with a huge sense of entitlement who'd not take the hint and would go looking for your laundry, you can leave a note inside saying "piss off and stop being so nosey looking through all my stuff, you rude cow". Yes it's rude, but she won't even see it unless she's poking around in random boxes, so she can hardly call you out on it without confessing that's exactly what she's been doing! Sometimes rudeness is the only thing these types understand and you should then find the behaviour finally stops.

Oh I've been there OP. My MIL used to let our dogs out a couple of days a week and she would take the washing to her house and bring it back 2 days later in a black bag and stinking of cigarette smoke. I used to re-wash it all myself. She shrunk my hand wash only jumper one day and after that I told her to not take my washing again. I also had a DH problem 🤣

Exactly, so she should stop doing the bloody laundry then! Allocating other jobs would be as a way of making her too busy to do laundry whilst avoiding the awkwardness of having to confront her over her entitled behaviour. It's not a favour if the person doesn't want you to do it. If someone's babysitting for me, I expect them to watch TV or read a book when not dealing with DC and to clean up any mess they make themselves but not to do housework. If I wanted a "scullery maid" I'd employ one!

My MIL did/does this. She has a near zero privacy threshold and she's baffled at mine. I asked her: "Thank you, but I prefer to do my laundry myself". She asked me to explain why? She didn't understand. I had to "explain myself". Which I found incredibly frustrating. Why should I have to explain why I don't want my laundry done for me? I just DON'T. It's also frustrating the people here being dismissive. I had this with my friends. I guess some of them don't mind. I absolutely DO. We are all different. Why is that so hard to comprehend?! I had to start digging within myself to find reasons to EXPLAIN why I don't want my laundry done. Maybe I have some past childhood experiences? Maybe my mother was unusual? Maybe it was that camp I stayed over? My strict babysitter? For something so basic, so fundamental, as not wanting my laundry done.

I asked my MIL to stop. She thought I was being silly ( her words : "I don't mind - i've seen it all before") and kept on doing the laundry. So yes, now I have to make sure I do my laundry before she comes, or hide the laundry basket. Which I find INCREDIBLY irritating.

Yeah just tell her 'please don't touch my laundry. It was clear you saw my negligee and discarded it as it clearly goes on a delicate wash. Which is very observant. But there really is no need and we'd rather you left it.'

If she won't, put laundry basket in your room and lock the door!

Your husband is a twat and I agree that it is invasive.
Could you have a seperate laundry basket in your room for underwear and let her crack on, if it is helpful.

Otherwise just ask her to leave it.
Your husband is a twat.

Yeah....I wouldn't be wearing any outfits until my husband had my back.

My ex did the same while we were abroad staying with his parents. I refused to have sex with him until he'd put a stop to his mum having any contact with the "evidence". No bigger turn off than knowing his mum was going through my pants.

Since it is your house though I think you could say to your mil "thank you for being so helpful while you're here to watch DC but please don't do our laundry again" It's your house, you don't need to justify yourself.

Nah. Start buying sexy and silly men’s underwear. Boxers with elephant trunks. Mankinis. Lace boxers. Men’s thongs.

his and hers silky short robes. With initials on so no mistaking who they belong to.

the odd gimp mask.

Rubber long johns.

she’ll soon stop touching the basket.

does DH have any hobby gear he’s leecuous about? Several subtle suggestions about how you can never get around to cleaning it…

make it a problem for him.

I too would find that intrusive.

Who wants their MIL handling their used knickers! Particularly the risque item... hopefully she was more embarrassed than you were.

Perhaps juat say, "I appreciate you trying to help but theres no need to do laundry when you're here, thanks"

Take your husband's advice, it's spot on. So many posters on here complain about in-laws that come round and have to be waited on hand and foot. Your MIL sounds lovely and helpful, appreciate her! Just don't leave anything you don't want her to see in the laundry basket.

Helping is only helping if you don’t mind somebody doing it. I would hate this too. Is there something else you wouldn’t mind her doing if she wants to help.

If she continues to do it if you ask her not to, that is really rude.

For those saying the OP shouldn’t say anything, do you just do somebody’s laundry when you go into their house without asking if it is okay

If your husband thinks it's helpful to you but it's not help that you want, why doesn't he tell her which one of his chores to do instead?

Why does it so often seem to be laundry that is done?

Because it's relatively easy to do?

DH says what?! Er, no, if someone is doing something in your home you don't like, didn't ask for and isn't necessary then of course she is not being helpful. How odd that he'd even try to make that claim.

Does he often lie to you about people's behaviour and minimise your completely normal reactions to people overstepping? Or is he just a mummy's boy?

It’s nice she feels at home but that’s taking it too far for my liking. I would hate someone going through my laundry, feels a bit weird

Just say I really appreciate your help but I’d rather do the washing. Really not a big deal.

What's the problem? It's just clothes.

So do you just rifle through someone else’s laundry basket without asking

You seriously wouldn't have an issue with your mother in law coming into your bedroom when you weren't there, and rifling through your dirty washing?

Well I'm on the fence here (which is unusual for me).

I can see why you find it invasive, but I also think you should take all the help you can get (assuming of course that she isn't ruining clothes in the process).

Could you sort the laundry before she comes and give her a clear instruction, like "if you have time to put this wash on that would be really helpful, but please don't add anything to it"?

It's not entitled behaviour if the person doesn't know they're "doing wrong". And I'd hardly call doing someone else's laundry entitled. Misguided in this instance yes, but entitled. I mean really? And the MIL is offering childcare not babysitting, thus enabling the OP and her DH to go to work. The word "entitled" has reached new levels of absurdity.

I would love someone to do my ironing, in fact don't some people pay for this as a service.?

When I read threads like this I often wonder if the Royal family give any thought to who might be handling their smalls. I can’t imagine that they do any of their own laundry. I occasionally put a wash on and tidy round for my DS and DIL when they are at work. They don’t mind. However some people are very particular about how their laundry is done. If OP doesn’t want anyone else washing her all in one sex outfit that’s up to her. Oh sorry just realised that wasn’t what got washed.

Ah I could have written this myself - same problem. Everyone thinks it’s wonderful until it happens to you. My MIL washes, but everything is put on a 20 min cycle, with no temperature and, unsurprisingly, everything comes out still dirty. She then hangs it up and puts it away (ignoring my children in the process, so I end up being called down from my office by my children to help them). I’ve asked her not to do it, she does it anyway (her response is always but I’m just trying to help). I’ve hidden our washing, she has found it, I’ve hidden the pegs she’s interrupted a work call to ask where the pegs are and wouldn’t leave until I gave a detailed explanation - then processed to ask why I’d put them there. It’s exhausting. Maybe if she washed them ok, I’d be fine, but the fact they come out dirty drives me bananas.