To want MIL to stop doing our laundry?

[HannahR21]

MIL is here every other Tuesday looking after our toddler whilst we both work. She is really helpful, and tries to do stuff round the house. Recently, she has started putting washes on. I find this a step too far - the first time this happened, there wasn’t a great deal of washing in our basket - it would have fit in one wash. She left one item in the basket which was a rather ‘risque’ all in one bedroom outfit of mine if you get what I mean. She had obviously seen it, and decided to leave it (and nothing else) in the basket.

DH says she’s being helpful and it saves me a job so I should be grateful. I find it..invasive? Fully appreciate it may be a ‘me’ issue but thought it’d get some impartial views.

I would get a mesh bag and put your underwear/delicates in that and ask her not to wash those items. She probably thinks she is helping out.

To be fair, if the OP doesn’t want her MIL to wash her risqué underwear I don’t think she’ll want her trimming her bush.

(I don’t have a coat, it’s warm , but I will leave)

This is quite a good idea - though I would personally get two baskets, and put towels etc that are quite sturdy in one for washing and put my blouses and things that I would be cross if they got knocked about in the other.

Then you can just be honest and say something like "It was so lovely to come home to find you had done the laundry the other day. I'm not expecting you to, but if you do look to do some again, could you please do the stuff in X basket; the Y basket I prefer to process myself."

That lets her help without rejecting her efforts - and in that circumstance it actually IS helpful surely?

I don’t think she’ll want her trimming her bush.

Or vacuuming it ...

DH says she’s being helpful and it saves me a job so I should be grateful.

Your husband doesn't do laundry then?

YANBU, not many people want thier Mil's poking around in thier dirty washing.

She could easily have asked OP instead of just assuming tho.

@Cherrysoup "Can you allocate other jobs"

Dear lord, she's doing the OP a huge favour with childcare and other household jobs, probably all free of charge. She's the child's actual grandmother not a scullery maid.

My Mum used to come to my house every week and she asked me right from the start what she could do that would help me. She did not just start riffling through dirty clothing baskets. Some people are fine with someone touching their underwear, I am not.

It isn't helping if it makes you unhappy. But you do have a Dh problem that he would rather see you pissed off than tell his mother not to do the laundry. Yes she is trying to help but that help needs to be agreed beforehand.

If he won't tell her then inform him that you will tell her yourself.

Only if she hangs it up and irons it

Whenever I stay with DS, I like to help with housework but always ask him and DDIL first. I even check if it’s okay to bring in dry washing in case it would be seen as invasive. I’d hate my MIL to touch anything of mine! (She has history for poking around and using things up or ruining things!)

I think it's intrusive. My MIL would come into our house when we were on holiday and do our washing, so intrusive going through my underwear. I would just politely ask her not to.

Why does your husband say that his mum is doing you a favour? Does he think that the washing is your job, even though you are both working?

Telling your MIL to stop doing the washing would come better from him. She is much more likely to take offence or be upset if you speak to her about it rather than her son.

This.

Maybe mothers in law should ask/agree what they are going to help out with ? “Anything else I can help out with while I’m here? Can I throw a load of laundry on?”

Perfect

Yeah seriously - just don't leave your glittery nipple clamps in the laundry basket. There. Problem solved.

When she gets there/you're leaving just call out "Don't worry about the laundry by the way, I'll do it in the morning/tonight etc".
It's really not that much of a big deal but I'm sure she will get the hint you don't like it though.

I totally understand where you are coming from. My mother in law used to throw our clothes into the laundry when we were staying with her. I know she was doing it to be helpful, but I found her coming into the room we were staying in to gather up our dirty laundry extremely invasive. When we have guests staying with us, the spare room is exclusively theirs, and I will always respect their privacy and not enter the room. I would also expect that anyone in my house would not enter my bedroom unless invited to do so. It's a massive invasion of privacy. Do you leave your bedroom door closed when you're not there?

Just tell her to leave the washing as you prefer to do it yourself.

Tell DH he is free to do his own washing and obviously risque outfits for the bedroom will no longer be on the menu as you don’t have privacy in your laundry basket.

Is there something else (ironing?) which you could ask to do in preference if she has some spare time during the day? Otherwise you would presumably rather she spent the time with the toddler.

Just leave your dildo on top of the pile next time….😏

Put the laundry in a bin bag in the boot of the car when you leave.

Sure they can. Don’t treat your adult child’s house as if you are in charge of it. Respect the adults who are actually in charge of it. (Just as you would in any other home)

Offer help by all means, but accept your D.C, DIL or SIL’s boundaries.

It’s absolutely not complicated.

If OP were complaining about MIL not doing chores whilst doing childcare, you might have a point. But doing someone a favour doesn't mean you get to intrude in the rest of their life without so much as asking.

I wouldn't like any random chore to be done by my MIL, mum or dad without me checking first. FIL is on the permanent "no" list after several offences (ripping out much loved plants, breaking things and generally being an arse to me and MIL when we were moving in).

Get a separate small wash bag for your own lingerie keep that where she won’t see it & leave her to crack on with the laundry i think

look forward to her thread asking why DiL has decided to go commando in a few weeks ☺️

I’d hate this too. I don’t actually mind laundry, am very organised with it and would hate someone to throw my timetable out or wash at a higher temp than needed. (I’m not weird about anything else just very particular about laundry!)

Tell her you prefer to do it yourself. Under no circumstances do what others have suggested and start avoiding putting things in your own laundry basket.