To want MIL to stop doing our laundry?

[HannahR21]

MIL is here every other Tuesday looking after our toddler whilst we both work. She is really helpful, and tries to do stuff round the house. Recently, she has started putting washes on. I find this a step too far - the first time this happened, there wasn’t a great deal of washing in our basket - it would have fit in one wash. She left one item in the basket which was a rather ‘risque’ all in one bedroom outfit of mine if you get what I mean. She had obviously seen it, and decided to leave it (and nothing else) in the basket.

DH says she’s being helpful and it saves me a job so I should be grateful. I find it..invasive? Fully appreciate it may be a ‘me’ issue but thought it’d get some impartial views.

I’d really hate this. Your husband should speak to her really but as he won’t, I’d just say thanks very much but please don’t do the laundry as you’re going to do it later. Have another chore to offer in case she pushes back.

Assuming she isn't bad at the laundry, if you're able to "just get over it" your life will be kind of better. So I would suggest that's worth a try. There really isn't much reason to be bothered that she's seen your laundry, it's just fabric with some dirt on. Even the underwear is just that.

I'm not sure if you're bothered about MiL having seen the lingerie, or that she decided not to wash it leaving just one thing for you. If the former, I'd suggest keeping a separate laundry bag for stuff you'd feel shy about her seeing. If the latter, next time breezily say "Oh the lingerie can go in the machine, MiL. Thanks so much for helping out."

But if you can't get over it, just tell her you'd rather she didn't do it. Thank her for trying to be helpful. Say it just doesn't feel right to have someone else going through your smalls, though you know she's seen it all before. Suggest, if she can fit it in instead, that she has a cup of tea and a biscuit and enjoys a few moments of quiet, since she's already doing so much for you.

No, saves me a job. It's just worn clothes, everyone has them.

But then that is adding to OP’s workload if she has to sort something before MIL comes, which again isn’t helping. My MIL irons underwear, I would find it really uncomfortable if she ironed my pants.

You need to tell her if he won’t. I am sure you can find a diplomatic way to phrase it.

I would pay someone to do that if it meant I didn't have to do laundry! MiL doing it for free - my heroine! Big bunch of flowers and a bottle of wine every so often by way of thanks.

Haha. Sounds rather like a male colleague I had working abroad who ended up hiding his laundry from his own housekeeper after she put his tweed jacket in the washer. Him being male, she wouldn't acknowledge his authority.

I’m sure you felt mortified but you have no reason to be. How would your MIL have got your DH if she doesn’t know what goes on in bedrooms?? Easy solution: keep your bedroom outfits aside in a little bag in your wardrobe and wash them yourself. Leave the tamer items in the laundry basket. You’re a lucky woman having a MIL that does all this - don’t lose it over some misplaced embarrassment.

Why are people trying to make this a DH problem? He is happy to have her do his laundry. You don't want yours done OP, so you tell her. How can this be difficult? If you don't want her to even see yours, could you ask DH to put his on top of the machine for her?

It's not though. If it was just jeans and t-shirts is one thing...but it's risque sexy lingerie too. I wouldn't want anyone handling my used knickers, I do think that's quite intrusive!

My point of view is that I wouldn't care.
My mum used to do this for me about 30 years ago. She is a grown women, she's not going to get embarrassed over a few throngs and an Anne Sumers or similar outfit.
That and other jobs were really helpful to me and dh.
I could do with the help again to be honest!

A total invasion of privacy. And she may not wash things as you want either.

To be fair to MIL that outfit you refer to (see photo) are notoriously difficult to launder so it is probably best she didn't attempt it.

If they shrink you can end up with a nasty crick in your neck just putting it on - so a friend tells me.

I’d love someone (anyone!!) to do my washing…and preferably ironing/putting away as well! Honestly, not even joking…if I had a MIL who did this every week, I’d be so grateful!

My MIL (RIP) used to do this for me…I teach primary so work bloody long hours! It was genuinely a god send!

She would also clean around and tidy the children’s rooms…💖💖

Saying this…if you don’t like it OP just tell her 🤷‍♀️

We're obviously very different people then! I would find it a huge invasion of privacy.

It goes beyond “bedroom outfits” though. I think nice underwear is important, and l spend a lot on it, but not for a MIL to see.

Ah I can always rely on you @TwoLeftSocksWithHoles to give me a laugh😂I really didn’t want to admit to not knowing what an all in one sex outfit is. Thanks for enlightening me.

Mine did this and commented on how she couldn’t tell my pants apart from the baby vests! In front of everyone! I laughed it off but come on, I was post-partum and I didn’t ask her to sort my pants. (In her defence they were enormous. She is generally lovely.)

If laundry is in your part of the chore division, you get to decide how and when its done. Also you get to talk to your Mil.

@HannahR21 just tell her not to as you find it invasive and that you appreciate she's trying to help but it isn't

Just have to hide precious clothing. My DM once completely shrank an Angora jumper, wouldn’t even fit a teddy bear! 😢

I’m with you OP. Had exactly the same with my MIL nearly 30 years ago when she would look after DD one day a week (at her insistence) and decide she simply must rifle through our laundry baskets and hang our underpants over the radiators to dry.

We used to hide the laundry baskets in closed wardrobes etc but she still found them. DP had words as he didn’t like it either and she would stop for a few weeks and then carry on as if completely oblivious to us telling her we didn’t like her doing it. Ended up falling out with her and she didn’t speak to us for several years oh dear never mind.

I'd hate it. To even get to our laundry basket, someone would need to go upstairs and through our bedroom which just feels like personal space so a no go for visitors.

As PP said, it's not a favour if you don't want the help. Sounds like your husband just doesn't want to have the chat since it makes no difference to him who does the washing.

On a side note, as a mum of two toddlers, I'm impressed by all these women that can get chores done whilst looking after kids 🤣 I've obviously got some things to work on before I'm a gran!

But people shouldn’t have to hide things. MIL (or DM) should be respectful of people’s homes. Ask first before rifling through laundry baskets. As can be seen by this thread some are fine with it others not. So find out first. And all because you are fine with it doesn’t mean any future relatives of yours will be fine with it. Can see some future MILs riding roughshod over DIL’s feelings.

And funny that it is rarely men who rifle through laundry baskets at other people’s houses

I now have to do my DM’s laundry as she is too infirm to do it now. But I tell her when I am doing it and what I am washing. If she is having a good day I let her sort her underwear and put it away as I am sure she would rather do that.

Why a huge invasion? Just curious.