AIBU to feel jealous of another mum’s post-baby bounce back?

[Ohbeehave]

I know it’s not fair to be jealous, but there’s a mum at my mum and baby group with a one month old. She looks fantastic, wears cropped tops and you can see a bit of ab definition. She always tucks into the biscuits, and when I ask how she’s bounced back she just says she doesn’t have time but is breastfeeding.
Im there with an 18 month old, work hard and go to bootcamp and am heavier than when I was pregnant 😭 life just isn’t fair.
Do you really think she’s just lucky or is there some sort of trick to this kind of bounce back I am missing. I know my husband is disappointed with how long it’s taking me. I had been telling him to be kind and I’d just given birth, but now with this woman I think I am kidding myself.

What the hell has your husband been saying to you?!

Sounds like your jealously is rooted in the fact your husband is a cockwomble! Tell his to stick his disappointment up his arse!!

Missed the bit about your husband, I'm just getting properly into shape as in joining a gym properly last year when my youngest turned 4, also joined slimming world. You just can't compare, post partim experiences are so varied. My husband has happily ravaged me at a size 10 and a size 18 over the 29 years we've been together. I'm currently a 14-16 and a work in progress and he regularly declared he worships my body. Your husband should be making you feel loved, attractive and supported right now

Yeah your dh is the problem.

I would say I bounced back eventually but it took over 2 years (so not really bouncing more like a slow slow deflation haha).

You asked if there's a secret trick to it - The thing that particularly helped me was finally treating my anemia, which was totally transformative to my health. If your iron is at all low (like so many women) push hard to get treatment for that. It was like a magic spell made me healthier and happier and just well-er in every way

He doesn’t tell me he’s disappointed, I just feel he is. Before I was pregnant he used to pay me lots of compliments about my body and what I wore, whereas now he just tells me he loves me. Occasionally he’ll say when we go out how about that dress or that top and I’ll have to remind him they don’t fit anymore, because I’ve just had a baby- but I no longer have “just had”, and seeing this woman makes me feel I was kidding myself. I know he wants that version of me back.

I found walking fast, a lot supported my weightloss and fitness, we lived 30 minutes from town, so marched in and back every day for groceries, chill, baby groups, weight dropped off me

A lot of it is genetics really. It was a bit awkward listening to conversations about baby weight when it seemed to come off quickly both times.

For me it was being more physically active, carrying babies (twins) up and down the stairs all day long, pushing the pram etc. and barely any time to eat so I was running on coffee.

I'm going to be very honest here, either he actually is a complete pig or you're making this up in your mind. Either way, you should reach out to your GP if you're struggling because this is going to be a dark cloud over what should be such a happy time.

Its so easy to say, and so hard to do (believe me... I know!) but there is little point thinking about it and comparing. We're all different.

DC1 I 'bounced back', and fit into my size 10 jeans by end of 2nd week. I dropped more weight and was back to pre-pregnancy weight within 2-3months without trying. I was running around like mad, nervous that I didn't know what the hell I was doing, colicky baby, difficult post-birth recovery and generally a bit miserable though.

DC2 I still haven't lost it all. DC2 is now 5! I just can't shift the last 7-10lbs for any decent length of time. I also have crepey skin on my stomach a bit now and seem to have a bit of a pouch I never had before. However, my recovery (ELCS this time) was smooth, baby was calmer, I was calmer.

Personally I think the trick is a) genetics and b) having a baby pretty young and/or when you were in amazing shape to start with and barely putting any weight on during pregnancy [back to genetics]

Leaving aside the skinny mum. Fair enough to be envious. You have to ask yourself whether you are being realistic about how much you are eating and training. Then add in how much sleep you are getting because if it's not a steady 8+hrs you will be fighting a losing battle.

So I'd start by telling DH how he can help you to get a decent nights sleep, to eat well and to have time to train as well as some personal time off. Same for him obviously.

My husband is a couple of years younger than me and I'll be honest, there's been a certain amount of glee on my part watching him getting a little older and then finding out that a hard week at the gym won't shift half a stone as it used to. You've put on presumably quite a bit of weight through pregnancy and it is bloody hard to shift it with the metabolism changes that come with age, lack of sleep and time. Make a realistic plan and go for slow and steady.

So if he doesn't actually tell you he's disappointed and it's just a feeling you have, how does this make sense?

"I know my husband is disappointed with how long it’s taking me. I had been telling him to be kind and I’d just given birth"

Why would you tell him to 'be kind' if there was absolutely no conversation about it?

If you are heavier now, a year and a half after birth, compared to when you were pregnant then it’s a you problem and you can’t just complain that life’s not fair. If you are happy with your weight crack on, if you aren’t you need a lifestyle overhaul to actually do something about it.
Generally the people who lose weight quickly have healthier lifestyles and diets overall.

You're being completely unreasonable! Think about the women who lost their babies, and would give anything to be happy being a mum, and would celebrate their new softer belly and enjoy the fact their life has moved on to enjoy family life instead of stressing about how they look like a teenager.
And tell your husband he's lucky-when we lost our baby, my husband would have been thrilled to see me holding a little one, and rejoiced in my slightly softer body that celebrated what it was meant to do. He certainly wouldn't have been judging me for not looking like a gym instructor, as long as me and the baby were healthy and happy, that's all that matters. And we would have been happy, not whining because of how some other mum looked!

Of course you are not BU, but concentrate on yourself.

The other woman is just lucky. Not everyone lose weight when breastfeeding, some do, some don't.
Some women put their jeans back on and walk out of the maternity ward after 3 hours. Others are in horrendous condition, exhausted, in pain and feel the worst they ever felt in their life.
It IS luck.

Some women will be so busy they can't eat, other women will pile on the pounds because they are exhausted.

Don't compare yourself, but make a realistic plan to get back in shape, around your own lifestyle, and be strict with your diet. It's the only way.

Some women are lucky, others have to really work hard to bounce back and get their old body back. You are not a bad mum if you decide to look after yourself and prioritise your diet and exercise.

was that necessary?

PND is a thing,
babies who don't sleep are a thing
Mothers who have no help and are exhausted are a thing, not everyone has babysitters on tap and can sleep through the night at least from time to time.
Women have completely different birth experience that can ruin them for months later.

Generally the people who lose weight quickly have healthier lifestyles and diets overall.generally yes, in the context of giving birth, luck plays a big part.

At some point you need to make a decision, sure, because you are not lucky, it happens.

I dont think there is a trick to it to be honest, I 'bounced' back, not as quick as 1 month but I did give birth 3 times in 3 years 🤦‍♀️. I did breast feed which they say helps, but I ate LOADS while breastfeeding I was bloody ravenous all the time.

But I was also early 20s, I'm not sure i would be so fortunate now in my mid 30s, try not to be too hard on yourself. Although I can appreciate how frustrated you feel because you are doing everything right now.

The worst thing you can do is compare, we all get jealous it is human nature. But don't let it consume you.

You're being completely unreasonable! Think about the women who lost their babies, and would give anything to be happy being a mum, and would celebrate their new softer belly and enjoy the fact their life has moved on to enjoy family life instead of stressing about how they look like a teenager.

This is an unfair guilt trip to put on the OP and is completely irrelevant to her personal circumstance.

She's allowed her own feelings despite what goes on with other women.

No one said any of those things aren’t true or don’t exist, least of all me. The fact remains if you are attempting to lose weight and you are actually gaining then you do need to have a realistic look at your lifestyle.
Literally nothing I said was mean, rude or dismissive so don’t try and twist things.

Is your dh giving you the time and headspace to focus on yourself? I sometimes think that can be the deciding factor.

I get this and it’s pressure we put on ourselves. With my first I bounced back, back in my jeans with a flat stomach in a month. With my second, I had an EMCS and although I breastfed til she was 18 months, she’s now two and I’ve still got half a stone to lose and need to tone up. I gained almost 5 stone with her though, and I still looked pregnant after giving birth. I go through fits and spurts of exercising a bit more and eating a bit less, but can’t seem to stick to it and honestly, I just don’t want to.

I think it depends if you put on weight during pregnancy, especially if you gain weight elsewhere. I didn’t with either of mine, but I have an active job that I did until the week before a gave birth both times. Any excess weight was contained within my bump, so there wasn’t any losing weight to do, just toning up. I breastfed and had very hungry babies, I could literally feel everything going back as I fed.

My SIL really struggled to lose weight afterwards, she didn’t exercise at all during pregnancy and spent most of her time lying on the sofa (understandable as she had had several miscarriages previously), so had put on weight everywhere. Eventually she used jabs and it’s coming off quickly now, 2 years later

I say this with respect and kindness so please don’t attack me but I think you need to stop comparing yourself to other mums and be proud of what your body has achieved. Lots of women would love to be in your shoes. We are all different shapes and sizes, some pile the weight on in pregnancy, some find it harder to lose the weight than others. Your husband is being very unfair and shouldn’t be commenting on your weight unless he’s concerned for your health!

Your husband is awful.

I was absolutely delighted with how quickly I lost weight PP when breastfeeding. I stopped after 2 years and carried on with my biscuit habit. I too now weigh almost as much as when pregnant and don’t have the energy to fix it!

Some women are naturally slim. They don't have to work at it, their bodies just naturally regulate to keep them that way. I have a couple of friends like this, and they essentially behave around food how I behave on Mounjaro (can't overeat, don't crave junk, prefer salads). They are just lucky.

The problem here is your husband.