AIBU to stay in an unhappy marriage because I cannot afford to leave?

[Gymmum82]

I am in a fairly loveless and sexless marriage for a long time. We get along for the most part but sometimes my husband can be very mean and angry.

I am unhappy. I think he is too. The problem is I cannot afford to support myself.
I do work full time. But it’s minimum wage. If I left I would be putting myself and my children in to poverty. there is no scope to retrain or get a different job.
They would have to give up all their clubs. No holidays. No treats. No parties etc.

So what would you do? Stay and try and make the best of it? Or leave and maybe be happier but literally just be scraping by.

At the minute I choose to stay. But when we argue I wonder whether it would be better to go

This is a big decision. Treat it like a business project, if you were making a huge move business wise you would find out everything in detail, see a solicitor, get the facts on all the financial aspects of it, and then be able to make an informed decision.

Until you've done this, you can't know what your options are. You can feel you have no choice, you can tell yourself you can't afford it, you'd be in poverty, he would have the DC 50/50 (is that likely in reality?) etc, and stay put.

Or you can find out.

Do the sums. Either yourself, or look for charitable/services that can help you with this if needed.

Work out what being poor would actually look like. You are absolutely right that poverty is not fun. But there are many different levels to poverty. There’s living in a tent poverty and everything is a constant struggle. And there’s not being able to eat out, and small flat in a less popular neighbourhood, but being able to eat healthy food and afford medical care and yes you have to budget but you can stay ahead.

You also need to think about what if the choice is not stay or go, but go now or go later. It doesn’t sound like either of you are happy, and as hard as it is to start over now what would that look like in 10 or 15 years? Yes the kids would be grown but your ability to start over would be reduced.

Another thing to consider is if a second job could help you. If your ex is parenting half the time then maybe the time you used to spend on them could go to an extra 5-10 hour job a week that is paid. If your current job is just above minimum wage, then that could make a substantial difference to your financial position (as I said - do the sums, look at impacts on benefits, tax, etc).

As long as there isn’t abuse I tend to agree. Marriages can change and improve, especially as the most stressful period of childrearing recedes. I have experienced this myself.

Splitting is likely to throw up all kinds of other problems, especially the threat of losing your children. There are multiple threads on here where a teenager has gone off to the other parent’s house (perhaps for a more liberal, homework-free environment) and refused to return. There is literally nothing you can do in that situation, as the child’s wishes will be centred once they are above a certain age. Personally I would far rather forgo a bit of personal happiness than risk that happening…

The best thing you can do is to throw yourself into improving your qualifications, earnings and job prospects. Far more qualifications can be done online these days. Or can you start a small business on the side? Even reselling used items can be quite profitable, if you are committed and keep at it. Don’t be put off by the need to do a tax-return, they are really not hard and there will be boxes for your employed earnings and your self employed income. Get onto YouTube and start learning!

The jobs market is not in a good place at the moment. Even with 'retraining', hard work and pushing for other opportunities, there's no guarantee she will be successful in her pursuit of more money. The way some people talk about retraining or doing a course, it's like they think it's like a magic wand. But life doesn't always work like the way you think it sometimes should on paper.
It's a really difficult situation to make whether to stay or go. Both are shit options, but she's just got to choose what is less shit.

Retraining is hard. As a pp said though, there is student finance (plus subsidised creches etc) for those without a first degree.

I agree, and some of the financial advice here is naive, at best. Some people don’t have funds to “squirrel away”. Retraining might be a good option for OP long term but it’s not some magic pill.

I think someone about said get some premium bonds. I mean, seriously??!

I agree that retraining isn’t necessarily a magic wand, especially in the current employment market. This is why I think a self-employed side-business might be a better option.

But better anything than lying down and giving up!