AIBU to stay in an unhappy marriage because I cannot afford to leave?

[Gymmum82]

I am in a fairly loveless and sexless marriage for a long time. We get along for the most part but sometimes my husband can be very mean and angry.

I am unhappy. I think he is too. The problem is I cannot afford to support myself.
I do work full time. But it’s minimum wage. If I left I would be putting myself and my children in to poverty. there is no scope to retrain or get a different job.
They would have to give up all their clubs. No holidays. No treats. No parties etc.

So what would you do? Stay and try and make the best of it? Or leave and maybe be happier but literally just be scraping by.

At the minute I choose to stay. But when we argue I wonder whether it would be better to go

Are you in the UK? You may be entitled to universal credit and child maintenance. Have a look at the entitledto.co.uk website.

I would rather be poor and happy, than model a miserable, loveless relationship to my children.

It’s extremely common for people to disinvest from their marriage as a personal fulfiller, and keep the marriage as a structure. Leaning on the state isn’t a good idea. The tax payers are already under enough stress.
you married him because you loved him, presumably, and wanted to commit to him. Give it a try, don’t see state benefits as your way out. Marriage has to be worked at.

There are different types of 'afford'.

I am certainly poorer than when I was married in terms of housing, cars, holidays and the like. But I am richer in peace, independence, hobbies and time.

My own mother chose the material things too, her security was not found within herself. I am not moralising, I can see both sides.

Make a plan. Starting now squirrel any money into a separate account. Building Soc? Even small amounts matter. This will start to give you hope. Maybe a local charity can give you advice which may make your path clearer. Please keep this away from him! I wish I had done this year's before I finally left. Good Luck to you and your children.

"my husband can be very mean and angry"

That's a horrible way to live. Have you asked him what he wants to do about your loveless marriage and how he would co-parent with you in the event of a split?

He would want the kids 50/50 so no maintenance. I would be entitled to a small amount of universal credit. But even with that I couldn’t afford to support myself well

How old are you? Why are they no options at all to look into promotions or a new job?

But would I be happy? That’s the question. I don’t think anyone living in poverty is genuinely happy

Then stay (so long as he’s not abusive). You put all your eggs in one basket unfortunately. And it wasn’t investing in your own ability to earn.

How old are the kids?

Women don't need to stay in abusive marriages.

I haven’t asked. It would lead to an argument and I just can’t face it. When things are calm it’s ok. But when he’s pissed off or angry he is very unpleasant. I try not to provoke that

Late 40’s. I left school with few qualifications and the career path I chose is very poorly paid. It’s more of a vocation than anything else. I’m already at the top. There is nowhere else to go

Kids are 10 and 12. You are correct. It was a big mistake and I wish my parents had given me more advice when I was choosing what to do after school

But you’re not happy now. And your kids may never be happy in their relationships, having learned from yours.

He’s not abusive. Grumpy. Moody yes. But not abusive

You say there's no scope for training/job improvement. Are you sure?

I only ask as in a similar situation, I used student finance as my income to get us through the split and first couple of years. My degree was useful in getting me a job after, but to be honest not essential. The student finance was instrumental in allowing me to start a new life though...

(As to the poor/happy thing, I was definitely happy poor. Much happier than MC and married. I was brought up dirt poor though, so already knew how to be happy and poor, I guess.)

What career path is minimum wage at THE TOP??

Id stay but fulfil myself in other ways. Id join clubs, social groups, have hobbies. Id fulfil myself externally. Id grey rock any meanness.

OP you walking on eggshells trying not to provoke or anger him is telling us all very clearly that you DO live in a abusive relationship. And so do your kids. 😢

Have you done the entitled to calculations to see what you'd actually be living on?? Low-income with kids you'd likely be looking at a UC top up.

Plus if he DID have the kids 50/50 you'd have time to do something else work wise on top of your vocation to top up your main work income potentially? But most men like this don't stick to 50/50 long-term.

Late 40’s. I left school with few qualifications and the career path I chose is very poorly paid. It’s more of a vocation than anything else. I’m already at the top. There is nowhere else to go
There are still options. There are jobs that pay more than mnw that don't require more than basic qualifications.

You say yours is a vocation. Are you attached to it emotionally or because it suits your lifestyle?

Sorry I earn very slightly more than minimum wage. But still very poorly paid.
I don’t really want to say my job as it’s a bit too outing. But other professions with comparatively similar crap wages and little scope to increase would be carer, teaching assistant, dental nurse, veterinary nurse, pharmacy dispenser, zookeeper.

Can you find a better paid job or re train and lay the ground work for leaving, even if you can’t leave now.
You may be able to accept your husband’s behaviour but it’s likely having an impact on the children too. I’d rather be poor than living in that environment. (I grew up in a house like that).

Start saving money today until you save enough to rent somewhere for a few months. Regarding job - how about self-employment, providing services, starting business? You might not have an education, but you surely have skills that you can sell?

I do try to do this. But when he’s in one of his moods the atmosphere is horrible and it’s hard. I have lots of friends. Hobbies etc. But your friends can only support you so much