AIBU to stay in an unhappy marriage because I cannot afford to leave?

[Gymmum82]

I am in a fairly loveless and sexless marriage for a long time. We get along for the most part but sometimes my husband can be very mean and angry.

I am unhappy. I think he is too. The problem is I cannot afford to support myself.
I do work full time. But it’s minimum wage. If I left I would be putting myself and my children in to poverty. there is no scope to retrain or get a different job.
They would have to give up all their clubs. No holidays. No treats. No parties etc.

So what would you do? Stay and try and make the best of it? Or leave and maybe be happier but literally just be scraping by.

At the minute I choose to stay. But when we argue I wonder whether it would be better to go

Well said.
Perhaps find out if you qaulify for extra $ or child support.

If you genuinely can’t afford to leave now, (and I get that, not everyone can afford to)
how about you start making a plan to be able to afford it? You sound like you’ve lost faith in yourself, in your ability to provide for yourself.

Are your living expenses such as housing quite low as your husband's income isn't massive for a family of 4 especially if you can afford £250 per month for activities.

Has your husband always been like this? If not, are there any underlying health issues?

What do you think will happen when the children are older/at university?

A lot of this hinges on what you mean by “very mean and angry”. If you mean abusive to you and/or the kids, then you need to start to plan your exit. However, if you get along and the atmosphere isn’t toxic / tense all the time, I’d personally stay and work at the marriage, if that’s possible. My own personal happiness is secondary for what’s best for the kids and unless there is an issue of abuse, I don’t think being ferried between two houses and their parents living apart is what’s best for them. I appreciate that’s not likely to be a popular view.

At what age does that kick in- kids getting to choose? This is a reason not to leave- courts imposing time with a father if you cannot prove he’s not a good influence. I feel like I protect them in a lot of ways at the moment.

Many people leave school with little to no qualifications but options are always available through colleges to retrain. I’d argue there’s always “scope to retrain” in this country. Open uni also exists for people who’d struggle to attend uni in person. There are ways around earning little above min wage for the rest of your life.

That said, some of the advice on here regarding squirrelling money I bet you don’t have away is naive at best. If he truly did want 50:50 access then you’re right, you wouldn’t get as much UC and likely no CM so things would be tight. Best you could do with hobbies is ask him to fund those for the children’s sake.

It’s your life but for me this would be a case of sticking it out till the DC are adults and hoping you’d be able to leave then. I’d definitely be looking into college courses in the meantime and then be considering uni.

You can start planning for a better future @Gymmum82 .

Close yourself off emotionally from you husband a bit more. Are you paying into a pension? Start making some small additional contributions now, you will save NI on that. Although you can only take yourself down to minimum wage with that. Ask your employer for any raise that they can give you.

Can you get a 2nd job for an evening or 2 each week? Pay that straight into premium bonds and keep your finger crossed for the big win.

Your children are on the cusp of becoming a lot more independent, which will give you a lot more free time. Your DD won't be doing her dance for many more years.

What is your family situation? Do you have any future inheritance on the horizon?

How long until your mortgage is paid off and how much equity do you have?

My mum and dad divorced when I was 6, my only holiday in the rest of my childhood was a week at Butlins. You don’t need holidays, but I’d say that your children need happy parents.

I would guess many people are in the same boat and would separate if they could afford to, but put up with it until one of them has a fling and the issue is forced.

I'm sure you'd have said but are your parents around and supportive, could they fund the dance classes if you explained how miserable you are? Wouldn't you be eligible for housing benefit as a single parent on a low wage?

Sounds so miserable op, I hope things improve for you

A lot of people in your situation from what I can see give themselves a glow up, start new male dominated hobbies, get a new job in a male dominated work place - and leave by having an affair.

I'm not saying it's right or wrong but it certainly happens.

You’ve got to get out OP. You might still get maintenance depending on his income even with 50:50 but your kids are almost at an age where they can decide for themselves where to live and if they don’t want 50:50 then he’ll have to take you to court to get it and then the court will ask the kids what they want. It isn’t about what he wants. You are still young enough to have another life don’t waste it you will regret it.

I felt in a similar position a few years ago. Life at home was miserable and I was walking on eggshells around my angry husband, as were the children. I had been a stay at home mum for 8 years, having left a good career to raise the children (I loved being a stay at home mum but would not advise my daughter to do the same, I would suggest to her to keep working part time so that she is not financially dependent on a partner) so money was a big worry for me as I had no income other than child benefit and a small amount of tax credits.

I was torn between staying and leaving because of the fear of how I would manage financially and my worry that he would fight for 50/50 shared care (his relationship with the children was pretty bad at that point and I didn't think the children could cope with that). In the end I made the decision to leave the relationship after an incident when our eldest was cowering in his room so scared, as his dad was shouting at him over and over. I had to sort myself out financially first though, I wasn't able to go back to my old career so applied for jobs that fitted in with school hours. I got a job in a school 3 days a week, pay was low but it was a start. When we separated I had enough money coming in (wages, child benefit, child maintenance and I claimed a top up from universal credit) to pay the mortgage & all bills.

I then took a college course 1 day a week to get some extra qualifications to help me get a better job. Since then I have found a full time job with better pay and have been promoted since then. I don't earn a lot but it is enough (I don't enjoy the work at all but that doesn't bother me too much for now).

After the divorce went through the family house was sold and with the equity from that I have been able to buy a home for me and the children. It has been a struggle, the kids still do their clubs etc but I have no money for myself, for holidays, days out etc. If things become more of a struggle financially in the future then they will have to stop going to their activities.

Do you and your husband own a home or rent as that will make a difference to your finances. If you own a home that would need to be sold you would be entitled to a share of the equity from it. If you rent, you would be eligible for help towards rental costs from universal credit. If you only earn a bit above minimum wage you may be eligible for more universal credit than you think. Have you looked at www.entitledto.co.uk for a calculation of what help you could get? If your income is low and you claim universal credit your children would be entitled to free school meals, you might get help with council tax (as well as the 25% single adult discount), you can claim up to 85% of childcare costs back from universal credit if you have childcare costs (my youngest is in primary school so i have to use breakfast club/after school club so that I can work full time and universal credit helps with this cost). There's often lots of extra help out there to help you get on your feet.

Would your husband really want 50/50 shared care of the children? I was very worried about this with my ex but the reality was that he told everyone I was taking his kids away from him, he never saw them etc. but 5 years on all he really wants is 24 hours a fortnight with them and the odd day or two extra in the school holidays. The children's relationship with their dad is much better than it was when we lived with him, and they have pretty much forgotten how bad things were before we split.

Personally I feel I made the right decision, it is incredibly hard financially and in the early days I did wonder if I'd made a mistake. But it has been worth it, the kids are happier, I'm happier and I hope it shows the children that you don't have to put up with being treated badly by a partner.

You are stronger than you realise and whatever option you choose you will get through this.

You need to speak to a solicitor OP.

I would stay as long as it’s safe and seek
friendships and social interaction - at least until kids are 20ish. I think few women want to admit they regret leaving but being poor is awful.

I get that you think you can't afford to leave. I went into a marriage from a rented room and no debt, to having a child and debt. I couldn't just wing it or make do or sofa surf.
I guess you could plod along until the dc are 18 plus, sell the house, deposit on something small. The dc would be independent and presumeably no longer expecting you to fund dance and football or put a roof over their heads.
Seems a bit of a waste of your one life though.

Personally, I borrowed rent money for the crummiest cheapest 2 bed flat. Kept upgrading jobs as dd got older, upgraded flats.
Not the life I imagined when I was holding a bouquet and saying vows. Much better than being married to a resentful man.

Best of luck @Gymmum82

Completely agree. That was the choice I made. It was very hard at times but so much better than the alternative.

But the children won't thank her for their unhappy home. Unless OP will be so poor she can't meet their basic needs, the children are better off in a happy, loving home but without much money.

Focus on what is best for your children. If the household is relatively harmonious it may be better to stay, at least until the children are all adults with their own lives. Children generally want one home, one base, not being shuttled between two households at the whim of their separated parents.
I would question anyway whether you would be happier separating, given the circumstances you describe - the stress of a lot less money, unhappy children, potentially difficult arrangements over child contact. Unless your DC absolutely detest your DH you might be better off staying.

@NeedSleepNowtax credits was a much more generous system. Most people are worse off on UC. It was possible to leave and survive (just!) on tax credits, with UC it’s much harder.

Yes I agree, it is hard with universal credit. I had to switch from tax credits to universal credit when we separated as the change in circumstance closed my tax credit claim.

You could leave and allow your husband to have majority childcare for a while until you find your feet and get more established. At that age the kids can live where they want anyway. This could enable you to take on additional training or a second job to improve your earning potential.

I left an abusive relationship when DC were 13 and 15
I was broke but at peace - no UC then but I got tax credits to top up my wages
20 years later I’m just about to pay off my mortgage - earn around £70k (following many career changes) my DC are grown up - happy rounded adults
I am very content with my life

I know plenty of people who are in unhappy marriages, living pretty much separate lives, but together for the kids, or just too much hassle to separate. I think it's more common that we realise.
Sometimes one of the couple will start an affair, and that prompts a divorce, but so many just carry on and keep the status quo.
I'm not sure you would be happier separating now, OP - not least because of the impact on your DC's lifestyle - but your DC won't be this age forever. You can put a time limit on it - start making plans to leave when, say, youngest child is 18 and more independent. Save money in the meantime.

Childcare

Do you genuinely think your husband wouldn't pay for the dance and the football in the event of a split?