AIBU to stay in an unhappy marriage because I cannot afford to leave?

[Gymmum82]

I am in a fairly loveless and sexless marriage for a long time. We get along for the most part but sometimes my husband can be very mean and angry.

I am unhappy. I think he is too. The problem is I cannot afford to support myself.
I do work full time. But it’s minimum wage. If I left I would be putting myself and my children in to poverty. there is no scope to retrain or get a different job.
They would have to give up all their clubs. No holidays. No treats. No parties etc.

So what would you do? Stay and try and make the best of it? Or leave and maybe be happier but literally just be scraping by.

At the minute I choose to stay. But when we argue I wonder whether it would be better to go

If you are actively trying “not to provoke him” (your words) then he is abusive.

I would say I’m attached to it emotionally because I genuinely love my job.
It doesn’t suit my lifestyle in that it is just a job. I have other things in my life outside of work. But I don’t dread going to work. I enjoy it

Nothing that would earn me more than I do right now

Maybe that wasn’t the right words. I don’t start conversations I think will lead to arguments. I just want a peaceful life. I’d rather avoid topics that have the potential to escalate in to an argument

But you’re not happy now so what do you have to loose? I’d much rather give it a shot going alone than stay with someone I’m not happy with

That’s great you love your job and enjoy it but the reality is, it’s keeping you stuck in a situation you would rather not be in. Sometimes we have to do a job we don’t enjoy to afford the things we want.

most kids would rather a happy family home with no treats than a miserable home with money used to make Up for the lack of happiness

You both sound like an affair waiting to happen!

Lots of people stay together for the kids. When they’ve grown up, would you leave?

I would leave, kids need a happy healthy home & mum far more than they need holidays and “stuff”.

You would be surprised. You cannot put on a price on peace. Women have restarted with nothing but felt better. There is help out there, plenty of free cycle sites and good people who donate to those restarting their lives.
I promise you that the stress on your children will be much greater if you stay.

The thing about posts like this are that the OP essentially knows that the only way to change requires difficult choices which they aren’t willing to do.

@Gymmum82 you absolutely can retrain - there at least lots of options. But you don’t want to. That’s your shout but you can’t then complain about the low wages.

You want to stay in your low paid job. So stay and make the best of it but don’t pretend you are a helpless passenger in your life.

Have you checked how much you'd get in a divorce if he buys you out of the house, or it's sold?

Your kids can choose where they live at those ages, 50/50 wouldn't be enforceable.

So what are the “escalating arguments “ you talk about ? What is he unhappy with in the marriage? I feel for you as it must be awful walking on eggshells all the time but feel you have to stay for the children (btw what would you advocate your child to do in these circumstances?) that might be your answer lead by example. How do they feel about him and his moods is it affecting them or are they too meek to say because like you they have accepted their lot.

Can the people saying retrain, get a new job etc please explain what jobs they mean? What jobs pay you while they train you? (Very few and the salary is very low for at least a year)

What jobs (beside minimum wage jobs with little progression) actually hire you If you have no experience or the right qualifications ?

People make out like it's all so simple. It's a luxury to 'start again' and retrain or study something new.

And poverty is miserable and it's extremely hard to escape without external help or someone that can pay for you to retrain and fund you and your children at the same time!

Is the house rented or bought? Does your husband earn well? He would have to pay maintenance or he may decide to leave the home for the children. He’s probably oblivious to his attitude as subjects are avoided by his family to keep him from getting annoyed. Let him get annoyed, tell him that you want to separate and see where the cards lay. If you own half the property then don’t leave, many people are separated and live together until they can afford an alternative.

@AdmiralTeacup what a load of shit your post is.

Do you have a pension from your job?

I don’t agree with Teacups views either, but your put down is very rude.

Exactly. It’s always the same crap
on here retrain. But people don’t seem
to know how much professional training courses costs. I did one paid by my employer if I had to self fund it would have cost me 4k

Could your DH afford to support the children as main parent and maintain their quality of life? Surely you can earn enough to support yourself and pay maintenance and have weekend/midweek contact with your wage and whatever you'd get from the divorce settlement.

I understand OS . The fear of just about surviving financially especially with kids is real . You have to come to terms with the reality that something has got to change . One option is a need to find a better paid job or an additional income stream . Are you in rented property now . If you split try to find a situation that you could share rent or rent out a room to help . Consider changing your job at least temporarily or get an extra one. . It will be very tough at first but only you can decide if you would be happier not living with him anymore . You have youth on your side as still very capable of earning an income .

From what you are saying this is an emotionally abusive/controlling relationship. His moods dictate what you can say or do. You have to avoid subjects to prevent an argument. This is no way to live.
Once you accept this is not a healthy relationship for you or your children, it might be easier for you to leave. At the ages they are they are likely to have some say in where they live, so your DH is less likely to get 50/50.
Contact somewhere like Woman's Aid for some support.

I dont know anyone who is poor and happy

Of course they aren't. Anyone who says they are haven't been poor either. It's soul destroying.