To think I should be able to take my daughter on holiday

[jj3457]

Hi everyone. I know some people may not like this, but I am a dad posting, just looking for some advice.

I told my ex I would like to take our daughter (3) on holiday to spain for 5 days with me and my mum.

Now this is where I messed up, and I will hold my hands up. I was dishonest when I told her I would be going with my mum. We will actually be going with my partner who my ex hasn’t met. I know this was a stupid lie but I was just worried my ex wouldn’t give consent for the holiday if she knew who was actually going.

To make matter worse, my ex has now found out that my mum is actually going to Florida for 2 weeks at the time I said she was coming to Spain with us.

My ex has messaged to say that she will not be handing over the passport until I give explicit details about the travel. I know that once I tell her I’m going with my partner she will refuse to consent. The holiday is booked and paid for.

I know I’m in the wrong for being dishonest but I am on the birth certificate and have as much right as she does to take her on the holiday. My ex has taken her abroad several times before and this is my first time.

what can I do if my ex refuses to give consent?

thanks

I haven’t specifically told my ex I have a girlfriend but I have never expected our daughter to keep secrets. I know that our daughter has mentioned my gf to my ex so I’m sure she is aware

I don't trust people that lie to me. You have caused your ex to distrust you. Why not go alone with your DD or wait until your Mum can go with you? Your ex would probably have agreed because she knows and trusts your Mum with your DD. She doesn't know your new gf well or trust her. You have only your self to blame.

I expect you’ve burnt your last bridge with your ex and contact will be sorted via a court order.

So you’ve let the toddler tell your ex for you. How mature.

Of course you're expecting her to keep the new partner a secret? Otherwise you would have told your ex about her and you wouldn't have felt the need to add to the lie with the holiday.

Personally I find it odd your new partner has spent so much time with your child given how little you see her. Don't you want time just the two of you without your new partner playing at being her third parent?

How has your daughter not already told her mum about your girlfriend if you’ve been together since last Jan and has been seeing her regularly?!
You’re not only lying about the holiday but also being totally dishonest about who is having close contact with her during your time.
You should have been honest from the start, even if it meant going back to court to regain your access if your ex had tried to stop you seeing her.
All you can do is now is tell the truth, she can refuse permission for you to take her and if you don’t have the same surname you would need to travel with a letter of permission from her other parent anyway.
One of my friends has been stopped as her child had a different surname to her luckily she always carries the letter just incase.

Legally she really doesn't. It's a courtesy but not a legal right. The judge in my case told me I should as a courtesy but didn't have to.

Op should have been up front from the start. And he should absolutely be giving flight and hotel details as a courtesy - what mum wouldn't want to know where their 3yo is? Does op think she's going to be on the next flight to stalk their holiday?

i wouldn't be comfortable with this. You've proven yourself to be a liar. Your daughter is very young to be in a different country from her mother for 5 days.

Even if you managed to persuade your ex (Which i don't think you will, quite rightly!)
Just their passport and consent is risky.
I've been talking my child abroad for years on my own, and every year I take his birth certificate, my birth certificate, and a letter of consent from his dad that I have notarised each time (at significant cost!).

I have been questioned several times about me travelling alone with a child, and even my own child was once asked by an immigration official "who is this lady?" pointing at me as they were going through the paperwork.

You could become very unstuck trying to leave the country or enter another with another adult unrelated to the child and none of the above mentioned paperwork in place.

Child abduction and trafficking is a huge concern and the authorities are rightly very tight on this.

And yes, I am pissed off that I have to pay £150 every year to get the consent notarised, in order to take my child that I grew and birthed on holiday.
But I do the right thing.

Do you have a contact order? I would request the passport for your daughter formally, through an email or if no progress a solicitors letter. Ask your ex if she has concerns about the trip. Be open and say you should have been truthful as nothing to hide so it was silly to lie.

When did you separate from the ex?

Your ex has no right legally to know who you are going on holiday with. When your DD is in your care it is completely up to you who else is with you both.

You can apply for a court order to allow you to travel out of the country with your DD if your ex withholds consent. You should definitely do this if she does as hopefully it will stop her being difficult going forwards.

So, given the choice of going on holiday with your daughter or your new girlfriend, you choose your girlfriend.

Nice.

Unfortunately you will be changing things because your ex has parental responsibility and your child doesn't live with you so if she says you aren't leaving the country with the child, you aren't leaving the country with the child. Legally she can, and sounds like she has, stop you.

What did you think you were going to achieve by lying? You probably will need to go to court to see your child again.

Like hell would I let my child on holiday with a stranger.

Best getting an emergency court order. Its nothing to do with your ex.

Sorry, I do sympathise to a point, as I've seen too many men go through this (wanting to go on holiday with the child after a divorce, and being stopped for no good reason) - but this is entirely your fault.

What on earth were you going to brief your child to say? "daddy's new friend"? "new aunty"?

Ugh. It's so grim.

Would you be happy for your DD to go away with a man you had never met?

Yes I was more comfortable when ds was just 2 years old when he went to his dads and his GF was there.

She was really good with him.

I also think the lie probably caused this issue over anything else.

I like the response posted above - worth a try.

I'm not surprised that your ex can be 'difficult'. You only have your daughter 26 nights out of 365 so your ex will be worried if the wee one will cope for 5 nights. And then you lie about who you're going with. If I was your daughter's mum you'd know what difficult was.

When did you start seeing your girlfriend and how long did you wait until you introduced your daughter to her?

I would definitely introduce your gf to your ex if you want any chance of your daughter going on holiday with you.

The mother regularly takes the child away though. The father , although a twat for lying is her parent.

he can go to court.

This! It’s pretty clear where your priorities lie. You’ve been seeing this woman for 18 months (“since last January”) and kept it a secret from your ex, including your toddler daughter in the lie?!

Are you for real?!

I’m with the father of my children, but the amount of people who think it’s ok to just randomly introduce their child to someone as partner and not discuss it with the other parent first is wild to me.

in the absence of abuse, surely a ‘hey, I’ve been seeing my partner for 6 months now, it’s getting more serious and I’d like to introduce them to our child and have them regularly spend time together’ is just common courtesy. Both ways.

He's not doing a very good job of parenting though is he. We can try to pretend all we like that this mum and dad are equal but they really aren't. The mum is the main care giver by a significant stretch and the dad apparently can't look after his own child without his new partner being there.

Basically, don't lie and it'll be fine. FAFO

Would you be comfortable with your ex lying about taking your daughter abroad with a new man who you’d never met and was potentially sleeping in close quarters to your daughter

Have you ever taken your very young daughter away on your own and is she used to not having her mum around for days at a time?

Even if you answered yes to both questions you need to remember you daughter’s needs come first. Your wishes come waaay below and your new partners even further below.

Maybe just take your girlfriend on holiday and leave your daughter with the parent who has her best interests at heart.