To think I should be able to take my daughter on holiday

[jj3457]

Hi everyone. I know some people may not like this, but I am a dad posting, just looking for some advice.

I told my ex I would like to take our daughter (3) on holiday to spain for 5 days with me and my mum.

Now this is where I messed up, and I will hold my hands up. I was dishonest when I told her I would be going with my mum. We will actually be going with my partner who my ex hasn’t met. I know this was a stupid lie but I was just worried my ex wouldn’t give consent for the holiday if she knew who was actually going.

To make matter worse, my ex has now found out that my mum is actually going to Florida for 2 weeks at the time I said she was coming to Spain with us.

My ex has messaged to say that she will not be handing over the passport until I give explicit details about the travel. I know that once I tell her I’m going with my partner she will refuse to consent. The holiday is booked and paid for.

I know I’m in the wrong for being dishonest but I am on the birth certificate and have as much right as she does to take her on the holiday. My ex has taken her abroad several times before and this is my first time.

what can I do if my ex refuses to give consent?

thanks

My ex refused consent for me to take the kids to Spain for 2 weeks so I took him to court (and of course was given permission as the resident parent).

You fucked up by lying, you know that. You could go to court but I suspect you're short on time to get it before a judge before you go. And the lying won't help your case, you know that too.

I think you need to let this go for this year. Write a fucking humble email to your ex apologising for the fib and tell her that you're going to make the introduction with a view to going away all together next year.

Then next spring ask for permission again. If she refuses by all means go to court, you'll likely be given permission. You can self-represent and its a couple of hundr e quid for the fee.

You fucked around and found out the consequences. Chalk this one up to experience op, lesson learned.

What the OP should have done was introduce the new partner to the child's mother at the outset to reassure her that her child was in good hands when she was with Dad. The holiday wouldn't have been a problem then since the mother was quite happy for her child to go away with OP and his mother who presumably she trusts to put her child's needs first. But the situation now is OP is expecting the mother to entrust her child to another adult that she doesn't know. The lying adds another element of doubt to the whole thing.
It's an enormous undertaking to hand your very young child over to someone she has previously only stayed with for a weekend, while you are also still close at hand if the child becomes distressed. Taking her away for five or six nights to another country is a different thing entirely. And now that OP has betrayed the mother's trust, it's completely understandable that she is questioning the whole enterprise.

It's really not a question of the OP's rights (how typical of a man to go straight to that!) - it's much more about the child's best interests and the mother feeling confident that she is with two adults who are competent enough to look after her for the time she's away. In this mother's place I'd be very wary about permitting this holiday or any other extended contact periods until I was thoroughly reassured about the OP's fitness to be a father, especially if lying has been an issue in the past.

Go to court and get all this stuff sorted out legally.

otherwise you are going to be squabbling for the next 15 years.

and don’t lie. It doesn’t build trust.

YES!!!

You are coming across as young OP. Are you in your twenties?
It might be better to accept this holiday is not going to happen the way you anticipated and chalk it up to experience. Your ex may capitulate if you give her all the details she requires to reach a decision.
Does ex know current gf or do they have history? Is that what prompted the lie in the first place? You seem to be hiding some pertinent facts here and focusing on the legalities less than a week before takeoff.

She'll be with her dad, he's just as much her parent as her mum.

It’s irrelevant whether she has a legal right to know or not. You’ve lied and been dishonest about who is going to be with her child and who maybe be involved in intimate care of her. You can take her to court for a specific issues order but do you really want a lifetime of co parenting built on lies and court orders?

(also I think this post is a reverse)

How does your last sentence make sense when the rest of your post suggests telling more lies?

No, your ex has no 'right' to meet your partner.

And no, she can't withhold access on your time or dictate where you go/who with in this country. But you can't take your daughter abroad without her mother's consent unless you have a court order to back you up, which you won't get in this time frame.

So, yes in this instance she absolutely can stop you taking her. Whether you still go with just your partner or you stay in this country is up to you.

I have to say I'm usually against one parent thinking they have more say on where kids go but in this instance I'm kind of with your ex. You lied to her and she's reacted in kind. I'd be ready to accept you need to scrap your holiday and maybe try again next year.

Out of interest was your girlfriend complicit with the lie too? Or did she think your ex was aware she was going on the holiday?

If she was happy to go along with the lie as well, I’d be questioning her morals too to be honest.

I couldn’t play happy families on holiday with a bloke and his child knowing full well the mother had no idea of my existence.

Yes, as I’ve already stated, I know that lying wasn’t the right thing to do. I just panicked and couldn’t go back on the lie.

My daughter (who is almost 4) has known my partner since last January and my partner is amazing with her. My daughter is really fond of her too. I haven’t introduced gf to my ex as she can be difficult and I worried she would withhold contact if she knew our daughter was spending time with another woman.

I presume she knows your mum very well so her mother wasn't worried about the holiday if she was there, but you are going with a new partner of course she is worried. Your child is still very young. , Is your partner used to spending time with very young children? , could she cope with an unhappy child who doesn't sleep and cries for her mum?

So the daughter isn’t allowed to tell her mum about the girlfriend in general?

Just how many secrets do you expect your poor child to keep.

Does your ex know you have a gf?

Whatever you do do not follow the advice to say your mum was going and changed her mind or made other plans.

Your ex has been let down by you lying and that will impact your relationship. Do not make your mother also someone she’s angry at if she was unaware of your lies, that would be highly unfair

If your daughter is expected to keep all these secrets well I’m sorry but you’re a terrible dad.

It’s like red flag 101 telling a child to keep secrets from their parent. Especially hiding people they are in contact with.

I worried she would withhold contact if she knew our daughter was spending time with another woman.

If she did this then she would certainly be in the wrong and you would have to go to court. But the abroad thing is very different as you're going to have to accept that , whatever your initial reasoning

So you’ve been lying for a year and a half? Really shit thing to do. You say your ex is difficult but you are a long term liar… both of you need to grow up.

Like hell would i be handing over my daughter to you after this lie. She's too young to be away from her mum for so long also. GF should not be going on this holiday.

Yes legally she should know. Cut your loses here and just go on holiday with your gf and try to make amends with ex

It's really appalling behaviour to put pressure on a really small child to lie to her mum. I don't think any of this will be a problem for too much longer. You seem incapable of putting your daughter's needs first.

How is her mum unaware of her if your nearly 4yo has been spending with her?

If you’ve told/encouraged your 3yo to lie to or hide things from her Mum you’ll have more problems than a holiday as that is totally unacceptable

Come on. Stop being an ass. You should have told your ex

You should have told your ex about gf before you introduced your dd to her.

Yeah but he's not though is he. She spends 13 nights out of every 14 with her mum and 1 with her dad. He lied about having his mum with him on the trip, he hasn't answered any questions about how long he has been with his girlfriend or what the sleeping arrangements are. He has been caught out in a lie and rather than come clean he first thought is does his ex have the right to know who he is going on holiday with rather than putting the child and her needs front and centre.

You need to have the courage to be honest n think.

If she’s difficult, don’t use that as a reason to be dishonest.

You can tell her straight - “this is my new partner, she will be spending time with our dd. She is a good person and I would hope you will trust my judgment. Our dd has a good relationship with her but of course I am always present and always the person in charge of taking care off dd. I would very much like you to meet my partner/ girlfriend and would suggest this time and date”

She can’t withhold contact for this reason - no court would thinking having a new girlfriend who is present alongside you is a reason to stop contact.