To think I should be able to take my daughter on holiday

[jj3457]

Hi everyone. I know some people may not like this, but I am a dad posting, just looking for some advice.

I told my ex I would like to take our daughter (3) on holiday to spain for 5 days with me and my mum.

Now this is where I messed up, and I will hold my hands up. I was dishonest when I told her I would be going with my mum. We will actually be going with my partner who my ex hasn’t met. I know this was a stupid lie but I was just worried my ex wouldn’t give consent for the holiday if she knew who was actually going.

To make matter worse, my ex has now found out that my mum is actually going to Florida for 2 weeks at the time I said she was coming to Spain with us.

My ex has messaged to say that she will not be handing over the passport until I give explicit details about the travel. I know that once I tell her I’m going with my partner she will refuse to consent. The holiday is booked and paid for.

I know I’m in the wrong for being dishonest but I am on the birth certificate and have as much right as she does to take her on the holiday. My ex has taken her abroad several times before and this is my first time.

what can I do if my ex refuses to give consent?

thanks

I wonder if he's not comfortable because he's afraid the ex will tell the current partner some of the crap he's done?!

Lying over the child, refusing to allow his ex to speak to the girlfriend. It's all a bit... controlling?

Ok just read the update. I think the ex is being fair enough in her requests.

The father has made safeguarding decisions on his daughter's behalf.

If the mother truly thinks the father is not safe to make those judgements about his daughter's relationships then she needs to be be acting on that immediately.

In the absence of that this is a very understandable, but still unreasonable, hurt reaction, wrapped up in (again understandable) worry about her little girl being away without her. I get it - I'd feel the same - but it isn't a safeguarding concern.

She’s worried you’re going to abduct the child. If you won’t tell her who the girlfriend is, your mother didn’t know you had lied, and she can’t speak to the gf, how does she even know gf exists? All of this screams abduction risk from
her point of view.

You lied about the holiday, you’ve been found out, and she’s been about to hand over the passport. That’s the difference between it being a holiday in the UK or previous times with the child alone.

How can you not see how your lies and continued behaviour mean that no reasonable parent would let you take the child abroad. I think it’s very likely that this level of lying would make you look unreliable at the least and like a serious abduction risk at worst if it went to court.

I have read through a lot of the replies and will address some of the things I keep seeing come up -

It’s funny how I’m being labelled as “abusive” when actually my ex will often verbally abuse me when she’s not happy about things. Perhaps this will give some of you an insight into why I wasn’t truthful in the first place.

Yes, I am aware there are a lot of questions from some of you that I have not answered because I’m not interested in plastering my whole life all over the internet, thanks. I came here for advice and have shared the information I’m comfortable with sharing. Asking me about my living situation and why I live where I live is completely irrelevant to this post.

Thank you to all the posters who have been non-judgemental and have given great advice. I will consider a court order for any future holidays.

and is your current gf speaking to your x sometime soon ?

The father who is a liar? I don’t think the mother suggesting a bit of communication so that they can all move forward in the future as grown ups is in any way unreasonable. You can make this point over and over, but it doesn’t make your opinion any more valid than anyone else’s. Neither does it mean people will agree because you explain your reasoning to them. As you said yourself, we are all entitled to our opinions. Mine is purely about concern for the child and not the need to be right. If I were the ex, I would want to know who my 3-year-old daughter was going away with. I imagine the vast majority of decent parents would too.

Wowsers, you’re quick to anger! You came here for advice, and people have given in.

Going to court is so much more hassle than just working with your ex, to put her mind at rest.

No one cares about your private life, not your ex, not people on here. Posters are just asking pertinent questions to try to understand the situation they are advising on.

But by all means waste time and money going to court when you could simply introduce your ex to your girlfriend. What’s so wrong with the girlfriend you can’t introduce her to the mother of your child? 😵‍💫

Can you stop saying you opinion over and over again please? It's so annoying. You've said it sooooooo many times.

I think she's being reasonable and it's normal for her to want to be comfortable with the person her daughter will be travelling with and spending time with.

Unless there's some back story or something you're trying to hide or you think she will try to sabotage your relationship.

Indignance at being questioned, accusations of abuse without giving any specifics and vagueness/refusal to clarify relevant details in the name of privacy are pretty much playbook, mate.

Honestly OP I don't get it. You are presumably hoping that your partner is going to be in yours and your childs life for a long time. So surely, for your child, it makes eminent sense for her and your child's mother to meet, say hi and exchange contact details. You've been an idiot lying, you have the opportunity to take your child away, and you're being difficult for the sake of it. I would also add, I don't think it is your place to decide whether your partner does or does not meet your ex. If she is happy to and happy to exchange numbers then that is her decision to make, not yours.

It really IS annoying, isn’t it? Now you know how the rest of us feel! 😆 Goodnight!

Why you live where you live is relevant as that along with your very important job appear to be your reason for having so little contact with your very young dd. The very little contact is a big factor in why 5 nights abroad feels a huge step to your daughter’s mum. She looks after her for minimum 5 days straight every week and always has, you never have.

😂

I’m sure the judge is going to be well impressed when OP tells them his daughter only sleeps over every other weekend.

So basically yes, she was your affair partner while your wife was pregnant or had a young baby to care for, which is why you don't want them being in touch and why you're fighting tooth and nail to hide who you're going on holiday with. You think she might be upset about the gf making off on holiday with both her husband and her child. If you'd actually admitted this, we could have given you better advice. Many of us here know that these things happen in life, although they are obviously far from desirable.

What's done is done, and she probably knows or suspects that you're still with her. Just come clean. It will make your life a million times easier. She probably doesn't care at this stage anyway, because you'll have hurt her so much by having an affair around the time she had your baby that I doubt she has any feelings left for you.

You won't do the two simple things she asks - gf's contact details and a quick chat. And you are so determined to keep your ex in the dark and for them not to have any contact that you would literally rather go to court over it than meet her halfway. You'd rather spend the money, create the stress....man. You must be TERRIFIED of what your wife will say. Well, you shouldn't be. These things happen, and the law is on your side.

Tell the truth and let the cards fall where they may. It's enormously freeing to live like that.

Cheaper, too. You could fulfil your ex's requests if you just told the truth, and then you wouldn't have to spend money and create extra strain by putting her through court. That will upset the apple cart anyway, so you might as well choose the honesty apple cart. It's the free cart!

Whilst I’m in agreement that I wouldn’t like it, and have been in the same scenario, the facts are that his ex can’t dictate with whom he goes on holiday with and you would simply need to obtain a court order to get the passport, if there are no valid reasons as to why you can’t take her, then the court will should approve it.

He hasn’t got time. He would have if he hadn’t lied, but there you go.

Massive breakdown in communication. You should of mentioned the idea of holiday to your ex before booking.

Its a pure lack of respect. DD is very young and 3 year old mention thing how did you think she wasn't going to find out??

On top of this you have another woman going on the holiday... is there nobody else that can take her place?

Next time

so this time you won’t be taking your dd is that right @jj3457

people ask where you live as an hour away is far. So someone moved - you or ex ?

be the bigger person and let ex and gf meet. If she is important to you she’s gonna be in your life and therefore your dd life for a long time so eventually will meet you ex

What’s the bet that his ex’s “verbal abuse” in response to things she’s “not happy about” means her calling him a cheating fuckwit when she discovered the affair (which he didn’t tell her about because he “knew how she’d react”).

Funny how the problem is shifted from the thing the OP did to the way the ex reacted to the thing he did.

OP, does your gf know that she is being kept so secret? Does she know that you told your ex that your mum was coming?

It sounds to me like you've been lying to your mum, your ex, and your gf. I promise you, your life will be immeasurably better and simpler if you just stop lying. Be who you are, be honest, and let the cards fall where they may, as I said before. Everything will be easier if you are your authentic self. But you have to stop lying to so many people.

I'm also interested in what OP is planning for the evenings as well with a child he claims not to see on weekdays because she goes to bed at 7pm. Is he planning to spend evenings in the room with his dd? Or is he planning to sneak down to the hotel bar for couple time with his gf?

Along with the risks of water, balconies, traffic, crowds etc - heat is going to be a major problem with most resorts in Spain hitting the mid-high 30sC next week with some areas of the Costa del Sol hitting the mid 40sC/110F!! So hydration/sun protection is going to be a continual issue.

Oh and OP . I hope you have good insurance and your European health card organised for your dd (speaking as someone who has needed to use it more than once)