To think I should be able to take my daughter on holiday

[jj3457]

Hi everyone. I know some people may not like this, but I am a dad posting, just looking for some advice.

I told my ex I would like to take our daughter (3) on holiday to spain for 5 days with me and my mum.

Now this is where I messed up, and I will hold my hands up. I was dishonest when I told her I would be going with my mum. We will actually be going with my partner who my ex hasn’t met. I know this was a stupid lie but I was just worried my ex wouldn’t give consent for the holiday if she knew who was actually going.

To make matter worse, my ex has now found out that my mum is actually going to Florida for 2 weeks at the time I said she was coming to Spain with us.

My ex has messaged to say that she will not be handing over the passport until I give explicit details about the travel. I know that once I tell her I’m going with my partner she will refuse to consent. The holiday is booked and paid for.

I know I’m in the wrong for being dishonest but I am on the birth certificate and have as much right as she does to take her on the holiday. My ex has taken her abroad several times before and this is my first time.

what can I do if my ex refuses to give consent?

thanks

You creates this situation by lying. You can't get your pants in a bunch now you have been caught out and ex wants to set some rules.

Perhaps if you hadnt lied in the first place ex would be 'in your private life'

You can be a reliable adult without playing mum. What is difficult for you about that? You're making our own narrative, I have no idea what the gf does/will want to do - and neither do you. People are very quick to assume that the woman will be doing parenting duties, but OP is the parent here, not the gf.

She’s made a basic request to meet or at least speak to the other adult who is going to be with her child.

She has, and she's been told no. So in retaliation she's not allowing the holiday. She's perfectly within her rights to do that but it's coming from a place of retaliation.

despite the vast majority of posters disagreeing with you

Do you really think that majority of posters on this thread are a good cross section of the population? It's an echo chamber. So forgive me if 'lots' of people on Mumsnet having a different point of view doesn't mean much to me.

I am quite bored of your nonsense now.

Ah, that old chestnut. Off you pop then.

I’ve read all your posts in this thread. TBH the lie at the beginning was your biggest mistake. I’m commenting as somebody whose son has had ALL the hassles under the sun with his daughter’s mother, but you did yourself no favours from the outset. Surely if your daughter has met your new partner, she’d have mentioned this to her mummy? You should have asked to have a discussion with mum and lay your cards in the table, assuring her as much as possible. I hope it comes to a good conclusion. The fact her mummy is happy so long specific criteria are met, that’s a win. Particularly given your big fat fib. Hope all goes well.

It’s coming from a need for safety for her child. she’s never met this woman, isn’t allowed to speak to her. He’s lied about the whole thing. He’s never had his dd for 5 nights and wants to start by taking her overseas. The mum would be so anxious about this just on its own, add in the lies, the ops terrible communication here and his refusal to make any very small gestures to help his ex feel comfortable and the mum is taking the path that she feels the safest about her dd on, saying no. It’s entirely possible given the limited parenting time the dad does that court would say no because he needs to build up to it so he can take her away but in the uk or for 3 nights to start with.

I have a 3 year old and i would 1000% be withholding consent! You lied to her and yet think she should trust you to take her child out of the country..you've literally proven yourself to be untrustworthy! Yes she's taken your child abroad but doubt she lied to you about travel plans

I truly hope she doesn't give you the passport. You're a liar and you have the emotional intelligence and empathy of a slow worm.

It's fair to want that, I agree.

Essentially, the holiday is a bit of a red herring. The crux of the matter is that the ex has just found out about the girlfriend - she's understandably shaken, as is totally normal when you find out a new partner is in your ex and your child's life. She's blindsided, she's hurt, she's unsure what that means going forward and she wants to meet her - again understandable - but she has no right to. Because of the imminent timing of the holiday she is trying to strongarm it by refusing the holiday - as this is the one and only play she has to try and force a meeting.

Even if she is successful is stopping this holiday it gets her nowhere and changes nothing. The gf continues to be part of her DC's life - she could even be her sole carer every other weekend if you really want to go to extremes - so really it's just a question of geography.

But the ex hasn’t done ANY of this? The ex has consented but simply wants to speak with the stranger who will be spending time with her child. Safeguarding seems to be bottom of everyone’s list here.

OP - if you're still reading - of course yanbu to want to take your DD on holiday - but YABU because you lied to your ex - not a little lie, a big fat lie about who would be the other adult on holiday with your (and her) 3yo. You have also been secretive about your gf - why?
Secrets and lies. I would be extremely nervous in your ex's shoes.
She has every reason to want to meet your gf first, and have her contact details - what if you lose your phone? As someone whose ex-H has tried to keep secrets from me for years, told the kids to keep secrets from me etc (they always tell me) I am v sensitive to this. I always think what else is he lying about??
And PPs are very wise to tell you about the dangers of taking toddlers abroad - it is bloody hard work. You have to have eyes on her every second - for eg. you can't just assume your gf is watching her - with swimming pools, balconies, marble floors and steps etc, there are so many more hazards than at home - you literally cannot take your eyes off toddlers on holiday. It's exhausting - and you need to be ready for that.

She isn't an unknown stranger and she isn't 'random'. Not to the child and not to her parent, the OP - who has deemed her fit to be around his child. You are speaking from an emotional point of view from the mother's feelings.

The OP has a perfect right to allow this relationship between his gf and his child, and to make judgements about their interactions and dynamics. The fact the ex isn't part of it is distressing for her, of course, but neither here nor there.

OP it's perfectly reasonable for a mum to want to meet the person who is spending time with her young child. When I started living with my partner, I offered to meet his ex, and his children were 7 and 9.

Agreed. My sentiments exactly. The ex has agreed provided she can have some contact first. It’s pointless trying to explain this to people who don’t read threads properly and always have to be right.

I don't think @jj3457 is coming back... but the more I read this thread, the more I think that maybe the OP is actually the new GF.

Would you be comfortable if she took your daughter away with a man you’d never met?

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to have a quick chat with someone spending a week with my kid. What are you worried about?

As others have said, it’s about safeguarding and honesty. The lie is awful - I’d be pretty unimpressed if I was the girlfriend, too.
I wouldn’t want my 3 yr old put in that situation and would be disgusted if my partner lied to me about what the mother had been told.

Her consent is conditional IF she is given the information she's asked for.

The safeguarding has been taken care of by the child's father, the other parent. The gf is not a stranger to the people on the holiday.

Why are you “not comfortable with this”?
In general, I don’t think parents have the right to make demands about partners, but in this situation, where you have already lied to your ex, I think she’s being rather reasonable tbh. She doesn’t need your new partners bank details, but even if you take a cheap burner phone with you, for emergencies and so your daughter can speak to mum while you’re away, would go a long way to assuaging her concerns.

I think three is too young for such a big trip without mum.

You definitely shouldn’t have lied!!!!!
If you have your daughter 50% of the time or more, it might be doable. If you have her less than 50% of the time, it’s definitely not in your child’s best interests to go on holiday with you and your girlfriend. Your ex is a good mother because there’s no way your child would really benefit from this time away from her mother and with you/your partner.

At nine or ten, maybe. Absolutely not at three!!!

The ex hasn't agreed - she has agreed provided she gets her way. That's exactly what the thread says, so not sure why you think people aren't reading it properly.

Do you not think you're right? Is that not why you're posting and challenging people with a different opinion to yours? What an odd thing to criticise others for when you're doing the exact same thing.

👏 this is spot on

On a trip to Spain where the supervision is a dad and his new gf I'd be most worried about pool safety - is Dad going to assume gf is supervising because she is female and gf going to assume Dad is supervising because he is the actual parent, while the child quietly drowns?
Are they going to be wrapped up in each other if this is a sunny holiday in a fairly new relationship while the 3yr old is a third wheel/not properly supervised/sharing their room?

Just put it down to experience and go without your DD. Have a nice child-free holiday with your new partner.

Most people would kill for the chance of an adults only holiday without their kids. Make the most of it. Your ex is probably relishing the fact that she can exert this control over you and screw up your plans at the last minute. Just remove that power trip from her by dropping the entire conversation. Don't even say 'okay you win, I won't take her.' Just drop the entire thing and don't mention it again.

Honestly, your DD is only 3. She's hardly going to be massively aware of what it means to miss out on 5 days in Spain. Take her out for some nice days together when you get back.

How exactly is the mother getting her way? In what world would any mother in the world class any of this as being her way? And no, it isn’t about being right. It’s about the safety of a child. It’s really not that difficult to grasp.

she’s never met this woman, isn’t allowed to speak to her

The OP has met her, he has made the judgement that it's OK and safe for his daughter. His opinion is the one that counts when she is in his care.

so he can take her away but in the uk or for 3 nights to start with.

And how does that change the safeguarding risk the gf apparently poses? She's either a danger or she's not. The ex still doesn't get to speak to her, she still doesn't know who her child is with - she's in no different situation.

This is about the ex wanting to meet the gf for her own needs, for her own feelings. I'd feel the same way, but it would still be for my own benefit. And I'd feel incensed and angry as well - and probably try and justify it under safeguarding too, that carries a lot of weight to have people agree with me.