To think I should be able to take my daughter on holiday

[jj3457]

Hi everyone. I know some people may not like this, but I am a dad posting, just looking for some advice.

I told my ex I would like to take our daughter (3) on holiday to spain for 5 days with me and my mum.

Now this is where I messed up, and I will hold my hands up. I was dishonest when I told her I would be going with my mum. We will actually be going with my partner who my ex hasn’t met. I know this was a stupid lie but I was just worried my ex wouldn’t give consent for the holiday if she knew who was actually going.

To make matter worse, my ex has now found out that my mum is actually going to Florida for 2 weeks at the time I said she was coming to Spain with us.

My ex has messaged to say that she will not be handing over the passport until I give explicit details about the travel. I know that once I tell her I’m going with my partner she will refuse to consent. The holiday is booked and paid for.

I know I’m in the wrong for being dishonest but I am on the birth certificate and have as much right as she does to take her on the holiday. My ex has taken her abroad several times before and this is my first time.

what can I do if my ex refuses to give consent?

thanks

Would be a flat no from me. You lied so I’d be asking if I was your ex what else you are or have been lying about. Plus I’d be furious about the lie.

Would your ex have a problem with the fact you have a new partner? Is this why you lied?
If so i understand to a degree.
You are right, assuming you are a dad that has stepped up in every way for your DD since the break down of the relationship with your ex, then you should have the right to take your DD wherever you please as her parents.
I suspect if or when your ex begins a relationship with whomever she wont be asking yourself for permission if he/she/they can holiday with herself and your DD.

Yes!!
and actually you should be giving her your girlfriends details so she can do a background check on her.
Tell us, how would you feel if she took your daughter away with a man you knew nothing about and lied about it

So your GF's phone number is too precious to hand over to a stranger, but your 3 year-old daughter - yeah, no problem?

If she is spending 24/7 with the child I think it’s fair to meet that person briefly

So if you were a single mum would you give your new boyfriends phone number to your ex and allow him to vet your new boyfriend?

Why was your ex happy for you to go with your mother, OP, and not when she learned your mother was not coming (before you told her about gf coming)? Would she not trust you to take your DD away by yourself?

My biggest fear would be drowning, as everyone else has flagged. Some of your comments are a bit worrying in that respect. Children don't usually drown in pools because they're not wearing armbands and a ring during swim sessions, they drown because they access the pool at a time when adults aren't watching them and they're not expected to be there. They slip away when the attention is off them for a moment and end up in the pool and are not seen until it is too late.

I can see why your ex would be unhappy that it's your girlfriend going, with the potential for you to be wrapped up in each other and the attention not on your DD, rather than her DD's grandmother who is presumably used to minding her and caring for her. I would feel reassured as a parent if I knew that the new girlfriend was used to small children and their ways, even if theoretically it should be the father doing all the caring.

I am a single mum. And yes if I was going on holiday with another man I’m sure ex would want to meet him

tho my dd is 9 so quite capable of speaking and telling any issues so no need to have his number

but at 3 this child is more at risk

tho in my case ex gets supervised visits with dd so he wouldn’t get a leg to stand on insisting on meeting someone and having their number

but I also wouldn’t have lied like op and when /if I met someone I would tell ex if it was going somewhere

if need be get a 2nd phone payg and give number if think will get countless texts but it doesn’t sound like that to me

the mum has offered an olive branch to op after his lying and he still isn’t happy

I agree that he's been a dishonest idiot here, but I can't honestly see many mums agreeing to their exes vetting their new boyfriend. Great that you'd be ok with it, but I suspect you're in the minority.

When men have made similar demands previously and the mums pay on here they are usually told that he's trying to every control and that it's none of his business what you do and who you see on your time. I'm not personally sure whether I stand on this, but think a similar approach needs to be taken to both parents. If dad's don't get to vet the new boyfriend, then mums don't get to vet the new girlfriend either.

Just FYI .. my friend took her ex to court, it was agreed that both parents could take the children on holiday as long as a certain amount of notice was given.
My friend requested that any partner her or her ex were planning to introduce to the children were first subject to a DBS check (she’s a cop so is more than aware of how fast these things can go wrong), judge agreed. It was agreed that any holidays outside of the U.K. were agreed in advance and each would have access to flight details, hotel, and who else would be there.

I think your ex is being very reasonable wanting a conversation with your girlfriend before she allows her to leave the country with her child! Why would you not want this to happen? If your ex was taking your child away with a new boyfriend would you not want to have a chat with him first ? Would you not want to know who your 3 year old was spending time with?

My ex husband is dating someone new, I don’t care about his relationship and it isn’t my business.. BUT if he was leaving the country with my 3 year old then I’d one hundred percent think this woman’s details were my business, and I’d be checking her out for any criminal history and wanting to know who she is. Luckily we separated and my daughters 15 now, so thankfully if he wanted to introduce his GF & our DD I wouldn’t feel the need to know her because my DD is old enough to advocate for herself. But at primary age - you’re being unreasonable not letting her chat to your new GF, she just wants the reassurance that your new GF is ok

As a parent to young children, it's the idea of living an hour away from them that's 'unrealistic'. I've just checked on my 3 year old and can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that I'd drive any distance to see him, even for 5 minutes, rather than leave it to once a week.

How often do you use annual leave to finish early and drive up to see her? Or to take her out for the day? Have you asked your employer for flexibility to start and finish work earlier so that you can pick her up from nursery on some days? Applied for jobs near where she lives?

Even after your ex has offered to let you take her, you still won't compromise because your 'comfort' with her knowledge of your private life is more important to you than your own child.

Stop putting yourself, your ego, and what's convenient for you ahead of your daughter.

Your poor ex having to co-parent with a liar.

This is such a horrendous take and your ex’s requests are perfectly reasonable. There is a difference between getting involved in your personal life and wanting to know who is around her/your child. I would never introduce a partner to my child before first introducing them to the other parent - to not even tell them is appalling and so childish. Imagine if you were taken ill on holiday (for example) and your child’s mother and your girlfriend are not in contact.

@jj3457

I have read all your replies but there are far too many from others to read theirs.

What are the sleeping arrangements on this holiday ?
is your young daughter sleeping in her own bedroom, on her own

• is that safe

or do you think she is sleeping in your bedroom ?
if so...
where is your girlfriend sleeping ? with you too ?

is this appropriate ?

You wouldn't be thinking of having sex in the bedroom whilst your daughter is present, are you...

Thank you for completely nailing my point and contradicting yourself entirely. In one breath you’re saying that the GF won’t want to play mum despite willingly being in a relationship with the OP who comes with a daughter, and in the other you’re suggesting she’s trustworthy enough to be a reliable adult who will be capable of helping. Since none of us know if she is in fact either of those people or where the middle ground actually is, it makes perfect sense for the child’s mother to show a modicum of concern about whoever her lying ex is dating and whether she is trustworthy enough to have some responsibility around her child.

Nowhere has it said that the mother had vetoed this holiday. She’s made a basic request to meet or at least speak to the other adult who is going to be with her child. So, respectfully, no. My point is not at all silly, and you clearly just want an argument despite the vast majority of posters disagreeing with you. I hope it made you feel better. I am quite bored of your nonsense now.

I’ve also had friends /family who have split and met other partners and all have met once knew it was serious

just to put a face to a name / not saying they go out for meals etc but just to say hi this abc

it’s been 18mths + and op didn’t tell ex met someone and they are spending sounds like every time they see dad/op they also see gf

What does that even mean?!

All you can do is be honest. Don't bullshit by saying your mum's plans have changed as a PP said.

I wouldn't agree to it as you've lied. But she might. But you're clearly more bothered about getting your own way than having a good co-parenting relationship.

You are being quite unreasonable. If your ex had a new man would you be happy not knowing any information about him whatsoever when he’s around your child? Especially if he’s being left alone with her? She’s asking for contact information - actually that’s exactly what a childcare provider would expect. It’s a safety thing. You already broke the trust by lying - your ex is meeting you half way by saying she’ll give consent if you let her have the contact info for the woman she doesn’t know from Adam that is going to be around her young daughter in a foreign country. She wants a brief conversation with her that’s all. If you want to be good Co parents for your daughter (the most important person in the world to you both!) then having a good trusting relationship is imperative. If your partner is long term then she will eventually need to interact with your ex anyway otherwise you are treating her like a guilty secret. Have you even bothered chatting with your partner to see how she feels about it? You are coming across as quite immature and defensive- You lied and then you’re surprised your ex is hesitant at trusting you with the most important person in the world to her? Grow up and act responsibly and respectively and you’ll find you’ll have a much better co parenting relationship

You have dodged the questions asked.

Why do you live so far away?
Why don’t you want your ex and girlfriend to speak?
Why did you lie?

My guess is it’s all about you. You don’t want them speaking because then your new girlfriend will find out what you are really like.

You say your ex is ‘difficult’ yet have given no examples and she’s been very reasonable. You have introduced a new person into your very young daughters life and haven’t given her mother the courtesy of letting her know.

You are the difficult one aren’t you?

I would see no issue with you taking your daughter on holiday if you had shared care and were more involved with her daily routine and needs. However given you see your child the bare minimum and have lied about your intentions i cannot see how this is in a 3 year olds best interest. Your contact sounds sporadic at best and from some of your comments its definitely hinting at why this is.

That's all very reasonable concessions and here's why:

1)IF anything happened you, your gf would be the one calling your daughters mother and caring for daughter. Of course its unlikely but it's not impossible, and a mother will worry about that scenario. That risk assessment brain kicks in the moment you give birth its unreal.

2. a brief conversation makes perfect sense as like it or not when you have a child with someone you are always going to be involved in some way in their life after you break up. I'm almost 40 and my mum STILL hates my father, not exactly with no reason, and she still has to occasionally see him as they share kids, albeit adult ones. A cordial chat between two grown women makes sense to at least not have your gf be a complete stranger to your ex.

3. bear in mind if your gf does any looking after of your child at all, it again makes sense for your ex to want to at least talk with her. No-one wants a literal stranger to them caring for their child, a brief chat is the bare minimum tbh. My dad made an effort to know my stepdad as this guy (who was lovely incidentally) was looking after his daughters at times. It's part of having divorced or separated parents, and I urge you to take the high road if you think your ex is difficult, and facilitate a cordial relationship there for your daughters sake.

Leaving your daughter to let her mum know her father has a new someone…really responsible and noble 🙄

Your daughter should not be left to pass vital comms like that between her parents. Be the adult and have an honest conversation or send a factual, responsible letter that acknowledges your failings, doesn’t mention anyone else’s, and suggests an honest, clear way forward.

As others have said, a woman who has known your child for a few months and is unknown to her mother, is not suitable to share a room with your child.

If you can’t look after your child for 5 days while abroad, don’t take her.

You don't feel comfortable about your ex and mother to your very young daughter, the contact details for your GF in case of an emergency or to speak with her beforehand.

THIS. ISN'T. ABOUT. YOU! Your feelings do not matter. I thought your daughter was the priority? Clearly not. The ball is in your ex's court and if I was her, I'd be telling you to go fuck yourself.

You think your ex is interested in your life/love life. I guarantee she really isn't. She just wants to know who is around her daughter. And I guarantee you'd be pissed off if she had behaved in the way you have, hiding a girlfriend, lying to her and just behaving like a shit person.

What have you told your GF about your ex that you don't want her to know? That is the only reason you don't feel comfortable about them having contact. Otherwise, you'd understand where she was coming from and PUT YOUR DAUGHTER FIRST! You really are pathetic.

No she absolutely doesn’t have that right, legally speaking.

Separated parents who manage to coparent even only vaguely well, do manage to tell each other this sort of thing usually, however.

Lying about who is going and so on speaks to a highly dysfunctional coparenting set up, on both sides.