To think I should be able to take my daughter on holiday

[jj3457]

Hi everyone. I know some people may not like this, but I am a dad posting, just looking for some advice.

I told my ex I would like to take our daughter (3) on holiday to spain for 5 days with me and my mum.

Now this is where I messed up, and I will hold my hands up. I was dishonest when I told her I would be going with my mum. We will actually be going with my partner who my ex hasn’t met. I know this was a stupid lie but I was just worried my ex wouldn’t give consent for the holiday if she knew who was actually going.

To make matter worse, my ex has now found out that my mum is actually going to Florida for 2 weeks at the time I said she was coming to Spain with us.

My ex has messaged to say that she will not be handing over the passport until I give explicit details about the travel. I know that once I tell her I’m going with my partner she will refuse to consent. The holiday is booked and paid for.

I know I’m in the wrong for being dishonest but I am on the birth certificate and have as much right as she does to take her on the holiday. My ex has taken her abroad several times before and this is my first time.

what can I do if my ex refuses to give consent?

thanks

Given you did mess up with the lie, I’d play nice with ex at this point. If you don’t want her to have your gf’s phone number, buy a brick payg phone, give her that number and take that with you on holiday as a back up emergency phone. If your current gf is going to be around for a long time she is going to meet your ex at some point - school plays, birthday parties, even weddings and future grandchildren’s birthdays. She might as well get the first awkward 5 minute chat out the way now.

Why aren't you comfortable

This is a very good point.
And what if OP needs to contact her ex if something happens to her? Ie, I'm at the hosp to have emerg surgery for appendicitis.
I imagine panic if I messaged, didn't hear back, messaged again, called, no answer, etc. A myriad of situations.

That aside, just be mature adults, meet up, discuss the holiday, exchange info. 🤷‍♀️
It makes for a more peaceful life and that can only benefit the child. 🙂

I agree that the op was being completely unreasonable about lying. For the sake of peace, given how dishonest he's been, I'd suggest he agrees to the gf and mum having a chat.

But I can't honestly see many women on Mumsnet giving their ex their boyfriends telephone number and suggesting they have a chat. There'd be a thousand reasons given why that wouldn't be appropriate, even though a boyfriend is a far higher risk. Can you honestly imagine many women allowing their ex to vet their new boyfriend for suitability to go away with their child. They'd be told that was controlling etc. it just wouldn't happen.

You are being unreasonable. Something happens on holiday. You’re taken ill - you refused to give your ex contact details and she is unable to get in contact with your girlfriend. Phone numbers can be changed.

suck it up

You aren’t comfortable with your ex meeting your new gf but expect her to be comfortable with her daughter going abroad with an adult she has never met?

also, your daughter spends one night with you every other weekend? So your child spends 7% of the year with you? Minus the day you see them after nursery during the week. Can you not understand why, which so little contact, an adult she doesn’t know, the very young age of the child AND your lying why her mum might have reservations?

Speaking as a mum, with a largely supportive co-parent I’d strongly suggest the best thing you can do going forward is step up as a dad. You barely see your daughter. Living an hour away and her being in nursery isn’t a reason to barely see her, it’s an excuse. Being a parent isn’t about giving a holiday once a year. It’s ALL the other stuff. Your girl will grow up in a flash and you’ll barely know her.

As a gf of somebody with children- it would be a huge red flag to me if you saw your 3 year old once a week and then were super keen to take them on holiday. That smacks of being a Disney dad, as in ‘disnae do much until it’s time to show off and play happy families for a week.

Honesty is the best policy you shouldn’t have lied the other way round I’m sure you wouldn’t be happy either but at the same time if your partner and ex partner have a good relationship it shouldn’t be a problem talk to your ex no more lies explain why you lied and apologise sometimes that goes a long way and build the trust back you co-parent a child together you loved each other once you both want what’s best for your child . Hopefully she’ll let you take your little one away but from now on just be honest she’ll respect that more and promise not to do that again . Also let her have all the details of where your going and flights all that information this is the first time the child is going abroad without her she will be anxious give her what she’s asking for it’s the least you can do since you lied .

Nobody would be taking my 3 year old that far away from me full stop. Putting that aside, no way in hell would I let my child go that far away from me with a woman I’ve never met. Add to that the fact that you
lied, and you’re asking her to let the most precious thing in the world to her go away with someone she can’t trust and someone she’s never met. But over and above all that, I highly doubt a three year old is going to want to leave their mum for that long. Mine wouldn’t have at that age. So you’re being unreasonable on many levels. Apologise to 3 year old’s mum and go enjoy your holiday without your 3 year old.

Everything else aside, Have you thought through how your daughter may respond to the extreme temperatures in Spain at the moment? I think they're in the middle of a heat wave, and young children can find it very difficult to cope with the high temperatures - you may have a bad tempered upset child for the whole time- made worse by not being able to sleep well in the heat.

You may end up missing out on the holiday but sounds like for future this is something you will need to get a firm agreement on via the courts to rubber stamp the arrangement. I think it's hideously unfair but not much you can do currently.

Yes he can take his child to Norfolk for one night on his allotted night, but not a holiday. As he barely sees his child, so doesn’t have this time within their arrangement ( his choice as he can’t manage bed times apparently)

It would be extremely damaging to their co parenting relationship should the mother find out another unknown stranger was sleeping with her toddler in her room. That would probably be enough in itself for a court hearing to discuss the safety of the child, and I would contact social services, and also push for supervised contact centres only.

You can’t just have random men and women sleeping with such tiny children, it’s a major safe guarding issue. Have you she idea how many children and babies are abused by step parents and those that are known to the family? The courts take this very seriously particularly with toddlers that can’t communicate or defend themselves in any way.

For your gf's sake, I hope she finds this thread. She clearly doesn't know what she's gotten herself into.

You lied about who your DD would be with to her DM.

You refuse to share your gf's info w/ your ex but expect her to hand over your DD to spend a vacation w/ this woman. If your gf is so wonderful, your ex might relax more knowing a capable woman is around your DD

Again, your DD is 3. She's VERY young and you seem to not have any concern for her needs, safety, or emotional well-being.

You seem utterly clueless. Grow up, suck up and be a decent father.

I can see why your ex has a big problem with this because you lied, she might,and quite tightly so, be wondering what else you might be lying about that involves your daughter.

After all, she could be thinking, if you are taking your daughter to another country and if you where trying to snatch her (I'm not saying for one moment that you are) it would extremely difficult to get her back.

This is probably one of the scenarios that is going through her mind, mainly because you lied.

Now, I'm not saying that your ex hasn't been been unreasonable in the past etc, but I, from a mother's point of view can see where she's coming from to a point.

The best thing that I can think of is if you bite the bullet, apologise to her for lying in the first place and you, your partner and ex all meet up somewhere neutral and discuss the situation

Also, if she does genuinely keep being unreasonable, consider getting some legal advice.

You're not comfortable with giving your girlfriends details away ? Maybe if you hadn't lied you wouldn't have to. I wouldn't want my 3 year old daughter going away with a stranger I'd never met. Quite frankly I think your ex is being very understanding and complying with her reasonable requests is the least you can do. Grow up.

You're not comfortable with giving your girlfriends details away ? Maybe if you hadn't lied you wouldn't have to. I wouldn't want my 3 year old daughter going away with a stranger I'd never met. Quite frankly I think your ex is being very understanding and complying with her reasonable requests is the least you can do. Grow up.

Did you agree to taking your daughter and girlfriend both on holiday to shut everybody up.

To look like the mature caring father and boyfriend and please everybody.?
A bit of a chancery.

You don't sound very responsible.. And if the little girl was my daughter l wouldn't want you to take her on holiday anywhere. Especially not with a new girlfriend.

Ok I backtrack a little on what I said.

You are mistakenly reading this as your ex wanting to be involved in your life. When actually she wants to meet the adults who will be spending a lot of time with her small child. That just seems to be responsible parenting.

OP your ex is a lot more reasonable than me as I wouldn't entertain you going on holiday with a 3 year old after you lied so significantly. You see your child EOW so have you ever parented on your own for longer than 48 hours? Have you ever parented in a foreign country by a pool with so many dangers? Does your girlfriend have children and know you need eyes on the back of your head?

Just give your ex your girlfriends details and go on holiday. You are being like a toddler. Your ex is being so reasonable and you are still taking issue with her.

Flip it round OP. How comfortable would you be with your daughter going abroad with an adult you’d only heard minimal information about via said daughter?

You can try for a specific issue order but it may not be heard in time. Can represent yourself. It doesn't matter what people say here or feelings. You have parental responsibility. Who you and your DD spend time with on your time is your business.

With all due respect you could drop your phone in the pool and that’s your ex loosing all access to you and your child instantly with no explanation, it’s really not a big deal for you to share the contact details of another adult present for emergencies.

your being incredibly difficult, your ex is being amazingly understanding, it’s not about you it’s about the child, grow up

Just here to watch you getting your ar*e handed to you.

Hahahaha! This was so generous of your ex, and you aren’t comfortable with it.
I’m so thankful every day that I didn’t procreate with a twat!

Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive. Of course you should have been able to take your daughter on holiday, but you blew it.

The next issue - now that the trust has been lost - is how other contact is navigated. Your child’s mother might decide she can’t trust you at all, and suggest supervised contact is the only way forward.

The fact you can’t see why a random adult in your room for the best part of a week with a young toddler isn’t a good idea only adds to the case that you really can’t be trusted.