To think I should be able to take my daughter on holiday

[jj3457]

Hi everyone. I know some people may not like this, but I am a dad posting, just looking for some advice.

I told my ex I would like to take our daughter (3) on holiday to spain for 5 days with me and my mum.

Now this is where I messed up, and I will hold my hands up. I was dishonest when I told her I would be going with my mum. We will actually be going with my partner who my ex hasn’t met. I know this was a stupid lie but I was just worried my ex wouldn’t give consent for the holiday if she knew who was actually going.

To make matter worse, my ex has now found out that my mum is actually going to Florida for 2 weeks at the time I said she was coming to Spain with us.

My ex has messaged to say that she will not be handing over the passport until I give explicit details about the travel. I know that once I tell her I’m going with my partner she will refuse to consent. The holiday is booked and paid for.

I know I’m in the wrong for being dishonest but I am on the birth certificate and have as much right as she does to take her on the holiday. My ex has taken her abroad several times before and this is my first time.

what can I do if my ex refuses to give consent?

thanks

Absolutely this. And when someone is oblivious to the concerns, it would worry me what other safety issues they wouldn’t be savvy about. I think when you take the ex part out of it, people can generally see why a quick chat is helpful (doesn’t mean you’ll always be right but you might see some red flags) I pop in for a quick coffee for my older child when they do a first play date - get a sense of the house, parents rules, other people around etc. and most people do it with me , no issue!

It sounds like you need to work with her on this one. Let her have the number and a quick conversation. GF then has the choice to ignore your ex while on holiday if she messages her (unless of course it’s an emergency).
You agree that any contact is only for emergencies while you are away.

Absolutely agree. If there's nothing to hide, what is the issue?

And she isn't comfortable with her daughter being abroad with a woman she's never met.

You need to suck up the discomfort and introduce them. You're all adults. What do you imagine will happen?

She will always be a part of your personal life. You have a child together. Until that child is an adult, you are tied together. You chose to have children with this woman. You don't need to still love her but you must have loved each other once? Can you really not summon up some respect and amicable feelings for your child's mother?

What is best for your daughter is to see you all getting along politely. You need to set an example and put her first. Just arrange to meet them for a coffee. You have a child you all love. She's your common ground.

Exchange numbers, chat awkwardly for 30 minutes then congratulate yourself inwardly for your maturity. That's what I did. She's a nice enough woman, she's kind to my kids, my ex loves her so we get the fuck along because my kids comfort is more important than mine.

You'll always get stick on here as you're a man!
No your ex cant legally base your contact on whether you tell her your personal life details; this attitude will reflect dimly on her in court and cafcass. Unless she has serious safeguarding concerns that she can substantiate with evidence then no she legally cannot prevent contact. However, you have no child arrangement order in place and until you do, she can do whatever she likes. Equally, so can you! If you have PR then you don't legally have to return your daughter after contact. I'm obviously not advising that you do this as it wouldn't be acting within your daughters best interest.
Get a formal child arrangement order ASAP. The courts will look at routine and what is already in place, who provides the most stability for the child and what is in her best interests. If you want more contact, you need to implement it now and stick to it to prove you can offer your daughter a safe and stable home when with you.

I don’t know in which terms you ended but unless your ex us a vengeful twat, I wouldn’t worry much about this.

As a stepmum I have offered my phone to the mum in case she needs to convey information that her ex can forget. And I have welcome my ex’s partner offering the same.

The only time I refused to talk to the ex was when she said she needed to talk to me so she could assess if I was safe around her child so, naturally, I sent her to hell.

IIMO, the best thing you can do for your child is protecting and maintaining a reasonable level of communication with your ex to ensure you can successfully parent your child as a team as a separated couple. If there is no communication, there are so
many misunderstandings everything goes to hell very quickly.

Why are you uncomfortable with your child's mum speaking with with your girlfriend?
Have you given your girlfriend a say in whether she wants to participate in the arrangements that way?

Your ex has been incredibly reasonable with that response. You, sir, are a fool.

Yes, you're quite right - there is of course zero middle ground between ignoring a child entirely and taking on all intimate, motherly roles. Simply being present and interacting with a child in a safe, friendly, responsible level but taking on not parenting is not an option. No one ever does that with children that aren't there while their parents are. No one.

So, as a parent you'd be quite happy to let your three-year-old go off with an ex and a complete stranger? Seriously?

Where did I say I'd be happy about it? Regardless, it's a silly 'concern' - by the sounds of it the child has 'gone off' with her ex and a complete stranger many times, for over a year. The only reason the ex has any say this time is because it's abroad. She's exercising her right to veto the travel this time but she won't be able to every time OP has his daughter - and the gf will remain a 'stranger'.

Tbh shouldn’t have lied but she’s just as much your child as she is your partners. You’ll get a lot of hate on here at wehatemen.com.

Of course they wont, they couldn't give monkeys who dad is sleeping with unless she's a risk.

How many other gf will the toddler be expected to go on holiday with during the next 10 years? I'm guessing they're going to roll round pretty regularly. It's not great to be honest.

In my experience, the difficult ex is the one who’s all about “rights” and “freedom” and has seemingly no interest in creating workable relationships.

This. 1000 times!

You only have 2 options

1. You let your ex meet your new girlfriend, swap phone numbers, and you go on holiday.
2. You act stubborn and refuse her request. You don't go on holiday.

Given you've already lied about who your daughter is going abroad with, I actually think your ex is being incredibly reasonable. You may share parential rights but your actually just a weekend Dad, she does all the hard work and is still working with you now to find a reasonable solution.

Why? You've been with your g/f for a long time. If she's having a part in your daughters life, then surely it makes sense for mum to at least talk to her too? What happens if you get married or whatever in the future, you want to keep them away from each other forever, despite it probably going to cause issues for your daughter?

Honestly, the best thing you can all do is try and make peace when it comes to the care of your daughter. Nothing else matters.

i can assure you that no judge will care about that.

Weather we like it or not, those who have been brave enough to leave a bad marriage, are better at recognising unhealthy patterns and not hanging around for ages so, it may be for the best and probably much less toxic for the child than growing up in a home where parents are unhappy and staying “for the sake of the children)

I think she should let you take the child. I would if It was my position. It's the child losing out otherwise 🤷‍♀️

Christ, I hope that no one ever tries to co parent with you - it would be a hellish 20 years
You're a regular Billy Big Bollocks aren't you?

You f'ed up

Can’t help but think you’re just rather stupid. You’ve had hundreds of replies on here from mostly women who also entirely are telling you not only that you’re being unreasonable but how to fix things. All you’re doing is being evasive, doubling down and being even more difficult.

The thing is, we have all met men in real life like you- the can’t be arsed men who unfortunately are also dads, the performance parent who just wants to show off to their new partner and who doesn’t actually give much of a fuck about their kid.

None of this holiday is in your 3 year old’s best interests, you don’t know her enough to create that warm fun holiday vibe and being with another adult who also doesn’t know her well, who will want your time and attention- not that of an unrelated 3 year old… spells disaster to me.

When you’ve put in some solid groundwork, cooperated with your ex, had more equal custody arrangements- can you not move to live closer? Did your daughter’s mum move away from you with her or did you move post divorce? When you’ve properly stepped up as an emotionally mature adult then you get to have your lovely holidays- right now it’s clear from literally everything you’ve said, that you’re nowhere near that yet.

When you rant about your ‘nightmare’ ex to people and roll your eyes and call her ‘nuts’ you can safely assume that every ‘nightmare ex’ I’ve ever met was a perfectly normal woman trying to exist under ridiculous circumstances by an immature manchild who they had the good sense to leave. One day, your current girlfriend will be the next in line for the ‘crazy ex’ title, perhaps it’s not them that’s the issue.

@TheCatSitterDM

"Given you've already lied about who your daughter is going abroad with, I actually think your ex is being incredibly reasonable. You may share parental rights but you're actually just a weekend Dad, she does all the hard work and is still working with you now to find a reasonable solution."

True and succinct. 👏

I hope OP takes this to heart. 💐

This has just absolutely changed my mind about this post. So something happens to you and the only other adult can’t contact your child’s mum? Also if your taking my child out of the country with a literal stranger then I want to meet that person let alone have a brief conversation, you aren’t taking my child anywhere with someone I’ve never seen face to face. And lastly why aren’t you comfortable with it?

three year olds care more about feeling secure and safe than being on holiday somewhere different with people they aren’t used to spending long periods of time. A teenager might like the experience and I’d wouldn’t want them to miss out.

They will want to know why he lied about her and taught his dd to lie to her mother and keep secrets from her mum as that is massive red flag behaviour.
They will want to know if the dad's behaviour is because the girlfriend is a safeguarding risk, whether the father has nefarious intentions or if hes just a controlling twat.
The crts will want to know this so they can act in the best interests of the child.