To think I should be able to take my daughter on holiday

[jj3457]

Hi everyone. I know some people may not like this, but I am a dad posting, just looking for some advice.

I told my ex I would like to take our daughter (3) on holiday to spain for 5 days with me and my mum.

Now this is where I messed up, and I will hold my hands up. I was dishonest when I told her I would be going with my mum. We will actually be going with my partner who my ex hasn’t met. I know this was a stupid lie but I was just worried my ex wouldn’t give consent for the holiday if she knew who was actually going.

To make matter worse, my ex has now found out that my mum is actually going to Florida for 2 weeks at the time I said she was coming to Spain with us.

My ex has messaged to say that she will not be handing over the passport until I give explicit details about the travel. I know that once I tell her I’m going with my partner she will refuse to consent. The holiday is booked and paid for.

I know I’m in the wrong for being dishonest but I am on the birth certificate and have as much right as she does to take her on the holiday. My ex has taken her abroad several times before and this is my first time.

what can I do if my ex refuses to give consent?

thanks

The only question here is what the best thing is for the child’s safety.

Answer - that her M has details of your girlfriend and a means of contacting her.

Your version of events makes no sense and I don’t blame her for not trusting you with the most precious person in her life.

@jj3457 you should have told the truth lad. Given plenty of notice and also said that your daughter has met your partner. I suppose if she decides not to allow it, there's not much you can do for this time.
Suck it up and tell her everything now.

This is so beyond reasonable of her given you have already lied.

Honestly the fact you haven’t told your ex about your girlfriend when your daughter is seeing her all the time is outrageous. I’m afraid once you’re co-parenting you have to involve your ex in bigger life things like this.

Oh they will want to know all about her and why she was hidden as it shows that there's no coparenting relationship and that dad is willing to lie and have a small child lie crts dont like that.
As for my last paragraph you may think its spiteful but its fact and the op needs to start thinking about what he intends to do move, cut back his work hours or just not spend the time with his dd as no crt will allow him to keep monopolise non school time ie have ever weekend

Honestly I get what your ex is doing. You said you were going on holiday with your mum. Therefore if anything happened to you, your mum was there to take control and call her to let her know that her daughter is safe or not as the case may be. Ex now knows you are not going with mum but going with bonus adult in your daughter's life. Exs safety net about your mum has just been whipped away. Get your GF to message Ex with something along the lines "hello, I'm Alice, I'm Jeremy's girlfriend. Please save my number in case of emergencies. Feel free to give me a bell if you would like a chat". Easy and breezy. You are assuming your ex wants to make trouble. I'm assuming that she just wants to get the measure of the stranger that is about to take her daughter out of the country and assure herself her daughter will be safe if you get in an accident. Obviously if ex kicks off with abuse to GF that's a different matter.

Word to the wise though, adult up in these conversations. Don't lie about whose company your daughter is keeping. Would you be happy if your ex said she was taking your daughter on holiday with her mum only to find out it's a boyfriend who is a complete stranger to you? Give the ex some respect as the person who has primary care giver responsibilities.

I'd go with this. As a parent of a very young child I'd feel more comfortable to have some kind of communication channel open with your GF. I think you need to allow this OP - this way you are more likely to be able to take your daughter o holiday. If your Ex trusts your new GF she will feel better about you all going away. I don't think secrecy is going to solve anything. You are already struggling as a result of being secretive.

Seeing as you are stupid enough to lie about your girlfriend going with you, I'd swallow your (misplaced) pride and go along with what your ex has suggested.

If this is real, you're not coming across as a) particularly bright or b) particularly child focused. It seems to be more about your 'rights' (ha ha) and your pride.

Only saying YABU because what she’s asked for isn’t unreasonable. Denying her it is.

Without knowing anything about how you and your ex get on and communicate day-to-day, that you seem to be somewhat dishonest and manipulative it seems reasonable that your ex wants this info and contact.

Honestly, the adult thing to do would be to suggest meeting over coffee. The three of you. Then also suggest stepping away to allow them (your GF and Ex) to chat privately. Your ex is a mother. Allowing another woman in evokes very strong innate feelings of protection. Allow her to see for herself who she will be entrusting her child with.

Also offer to meet your ex privately as well and offer her a face to face apology for lying without justifying, I'm sorry I lied. You and our daughter deserve the truth.

I hope this works out for you and that you will do the work you need to do to find, and live with, authenticity. 💐

seems you’re more bothered about holidaying with your new partner than your child. A 3 year old needs a lot of looking after / entertaining/ protecting - not v conducive to a newish relationship with someone who doesn’t have children. Your daughter is not a tag on / decoration. If I was her mother I’d be livid about the lying , and flabbergasted at such a flaky plan. Take your daughter away for a few days yourself and go and enjoy the time with your new partner - you can’t have both in the early stages and certainly not for a whole week abroad!!

You’re really being selfish, you lied to her.

Hang on a minute, you are expecting your ex to be comfortable to let your daughter go on holiday with yourself and a woman she has never met.

Yet you aren't comfortable for your ex to have contact details and a brief conversation with the woman who would be taking your daughter on holiday?

Can you see the double standard?

Is this not turning a blind eye?

Why on earth do you imagine the gf will be getting involved with anything other than being another adult there?

You have some truly odd ideas about what constitutes being a decent parent and a stepmother. You have some even stranger ideas about mothers not being able to get a gut feel about someone by talking to them.

So, as a parent you'd be quite happy to let your three-year-old go off with an ex and a complete stranger? Seriously?

Ditch the partner for the holiday and have a lovely time with dd. Get your priorities right.

This. No way would I consent now, I'd be wondering what else you'd lied about and in no universe would my 3 year old toddler be leaving the country with a man I can't trust.

You should have been upfront, introduced them and made nice like adults. You've acted like the 3 year old who is unfortunately stuck in the middle of this shit show.

Frankly you are an idiot.

You sounded foolish to start with and have just confirmed it.

of course it’s reasonable she speaks with her. She’s been extremely amenable.

Let me guess - youve told your new partner you have a crazy ex? 🤦‍♀️

I am not comfortable with this.

Never mind what you think-what does your gf think?

It’s interesting because I’ve seen really strong views shared previously that the other parent should have no expectation of meeting the new partner.

Legally she can’t enforce that but I’d want that if another adult was spending time with my child. I’d also want the other parent to be comfortable with me if I was spending time with their child.
Add to that the level of dishonesty already, she’s absolutely reasonable.

@jj3457you’ll never get a court order in time so why not just go along with it and meet for coffee or have a FaceTime call?

3 is quite young, and not ideal to lie. I think unreasonable to take your child abroad with an adult your ex hasn’t met. Same if she wanted to go abroad with a new partner. I’d go to Spain without her and take her on another holiday with your mum or just you.

Cafcass would likely advise the court regarding appropriate access moving forwards but lying about who is accompanying him on holiday is not a safeguarding issue unless it is someone who poses a risk to the child.
Lack of involvement doesn't revoke the child's right to spend time with the father. Unless there is a potential kidnapping risk by taking the child abroad, the courts may allow this.
The father can also allow his child to be looked after by anyone he regards as appropriate when in his care without the mums permission whether she likes it or not!

I think you’ve been very foolish and made a rod for your own back. If it was my three-year-old and I hadn’t met your new partner myself, there is absolutely no way I would allow my child to go on holiday with you and the new partner..

The question is why you’re so keen to keep your gf & ex from communicating.

1. your ex is in fact a dangerous lunatic & you’re scared for your gf: think you’d have mentioned that by now. Also, in that case, why are you living an hour away & letting this maniac parent your dd for all but a couple of nights a month?
2. your ex & gf might discover…discrepancies…in your relationship timelines. Sounds quite likely to me; we’ve established that you’re a liar & have zero respect for your ex. So maybe you’re worried about the shit hitting the fan when your gf finds out that you were not, in fact, a single man when you started seeing her.
3. you’ve told your gf that your ex is stopping you from spending time with your dd, this is untrue. See above re you being a proven liar. This would reveal you to your gf as a deadbeat dad.
4. your ex has absolutely got the measure of you as a useless wazzock, hence she was ok with the holiday when she thought you’d have your mummy with you. Again, embarrassing for your gf to hear this.
5. you were in fact abusive to your ex & you really don’t want your gf to hear about it…after you’ve been painting the ex as the problem in your relationship.
6. you are just a grumpy little manchild who doesn’t like that a woman’s saying No. Or not even No, but Maybe but I need reassurance as you’re obviously neither trustworthy nor particularly competent.

Honestly, your ex is being remarkably reasonable.

The one person you’ve barely mentioned is the gf. Is she happy to have your ex have her number for emergencies, & maybe to have a quick chat with her on WhatsApp? Have you even asked her?

You might not be comfortable with this but you have caused yourself a problem by lying in the first place. If your ex can get past this, I think it wouldnt be.a wild idea to ask your gf for her permission to pass on contact details for an emergency and thus meet her halfway. I can understand your reticence at them.having a conversation but that is up to your gf too. If you want to save your holiday, you may have no choice.

By the way, I am sure you would want to know the man if your wife was having a relationship which your daughter is involved in too

Out of curiosity @jj3457was your girlfriend aware you were lying to your ex about her being on the holiday? Does she know you’ve kept her secret?

Was your mum aware you were using her name to cover that your GF was going?